How Can I Resist Pornography?
How Can I Resist Pornography?
The following is a resource for June 13, 2021, Young Men and Young Women lesson discussing pornography as part of the Come Follow Me curriculum. Here's the lesson: How Can I Resist Pornography?
Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever. – Essential Parley P. Pratt, Chapter 10 “Intelligence and Affection”
… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover. Elder Oaks What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
***Authors Note: This lesson is designed to meet the needs of a diverse audience and forums; adults, children, leadership, Sunday School, Elder Quorum, Relief Society, Firesides, etc. Please prayerfully select the sections and content/sections you believe are MOST applicable to the audience and purpose of your lesson. Due to the complexity and frequent misconceptions around this topic, I’ve intentionally included a comprehensive resource. There is NO expectation for ALL the material listed below to be covered in a brief 15-30 min lesson, please plan accordingly.***
This resource is divided into the following sections:
Due to the nature of this particular lesson on pornography and chastity, I offer a background of my ‘why’ for providing this resource. This Background section is NOT needed for the lesson but many might find it helpful and relatable. If you want to skip to the actual lesson prep section, scroll down to “How Can I Resist Pornography?” or click the link in the menu.
Background - 'The Why'
No greater responsibility can rest upon any man (or woman) than to be a teacher of God’s children. — Elder David O. McKay, Conference Report, Oct. 1916, 57.
Without a doubt, I’ve experienced the greatest insights, edification, and lifting up of souls when I approach teaching with this sense of great responsibility. There is a beauty that results when one pours their heart, mind, and soul into studying the teachings of Christ. In spite of mortal limitations and weaknesses, thoughts are guided by the spirit in a way that edifies and draws the teacher and student closer to God. Anyone who has taught the gospel of Christ has most likely had this experience. It changes your life in some way each time it happens. This edification comes from one’s prayerful guidance and spiritual influence. At times the spirit takes you beyond the provided lesson material or guides you in a direction that builds on the basic concepts presented. I testify that there is no greater calling than to be a teacher. There is no more universal way to emulate Christ than to honor the sacred opportunities to teach.
In the following, I’m going to provide real examples (names changed) of how teaching from a place of hope, clarity, and love has a more positive and lasting effect on souls than teaching with fear.
Rachel (F54): "Since joining ARP five years ago, my issues with porn have increased. I’m so confused. I don’t want this filth in my life, but I can’t seem to go more than a few weeks at a time without slipping. If my faith and ARP can’t help me, is it too late for me?"
Caleb (M16): Came in feeling absolutely hopeless. “I have been doing everything the bishop said I should, and it makes no difference," he said. He recounted hearing the same counsel from his bishop and parents over and over: read your scriptures, memorize hymns, pray, try harder, think of something different, etc. Through sobs, he talked about praying that these feelings and desires would just go away so he wouldn’t look at porn anymore. What started as 5 to 10 minute prayers had become one to two hour-long desperate pleadings that his “temptations and desires” would just go away. When prayer didn’t work to eliminate these feelings, his faith began to wane. He truly struggled as he first began to doubt himself and then God. He was at the end of his rope.
David (M48): "Help me please, I don’t know what to do, I’m scared. We have spent almost all our retirement ($50,000+) on one of the best porn addiction treatment programs available. But at best, I still struggle with porn use as I did prior to treatment, but if I’m honest with myself it’s probably worse now. But no one knows. I’m afraid to tell my wife. Because if the best treatment can’t help me, what does that mean about me?"
Jordan (M15): "I’ve destroyed my chances of marrying my future wife and I have disappointed my children. What’s the point of even going on living anymore? I can’t stop looking at porn and I don’t want to become a sexual predator."
Allison (F34): Feeling the years of struggle weighing on her and wondering if her faith was ever real, she had followed every piece of counsel and still felt that hope was wearing thin. Before giving up, she wanted to try one last time to get professional help, as a final reassurance to herself that she had done everything she could before calling it quits. She recognized that doing more of the same wasn’t working, and decided to include a therapist in her recovery process. She found me in a listing of Latter-day Saint counselors and reached out. Allison bravely explained her situation in raw honesty. She was out of options. Her leaders didn’t know what else to offer her other than the counsel to pray, study, and have “more faith.” But she was already doing all of those things without success. She simply didn’t know what else she could possibly do.
Scott Cannon (M30s): Stood in front of his congregation and spoke openly about his lifelong struggle with pornography: a struggle that he saw as an addiction and, because he believed what he was told at church, a struggle that would likely ruin his life.
“By age 16 when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone no good Mormon girl would ever marry," Cannon said over the pulpit. "I saw someone who was losing the battle with Satan. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I regretted that I had ever been born.”
Cannon says it was a kind of on-again/off-again relationship with pornography. There were periods of months and years where he successfully avoided it. He began hoping that when it came his time to die and meet God, it would happen during one of those clean streaks. That thinking led him to a very dangerous conclusion.
“I realized that my best and perhaps only option would be to choose for myself when I would go to meet God," said Cannon.
He was suicidal. And then he kind of snapped out of it. He started doing research of his own and discovered that from a clinical perspective, pornography was not nearly as destructive as he had thought. Stigma Of Pornography Brings Consequences Of Its Own
Meredith (F43): Found out her husband was viewing pornography. She had sounded frantic on the phone, so I made room for her in my schedule that same night.
“My entire marriage feels like a lie,” Meredith tearfully shared. The evening before, she had picked up his phone to look something up online since she had left her phone upstairs. As she typed her search into the address bar, the browser started suggesting pornographic sites. She checked the browser history and found various websites that he had been visiting repeatedly.
She continued, her words full of confusion and anger, “I prayed all day about how to approach him about it. I tried to talk with him when he got home about what I had found last night. He got so upset and just kept denying it over and over. I finally grabbed his phone from him and showed him the browser history. He got quiet and said that he has been looking at porn all through our marriage and was masturbating to it too. We’ve been married for nine years! This has been going on for nine years!”
She thought she had a strong, solid marriage and an absolute best friend. He was always a doting husband, and she never felt like anything was amiss. He was a fantastic father who set a good example for the kids and was always there for them. She seemed unable to make sense of the discrepancy between the way she had always regarded him and what she was now learning about him.
“How could this happen?” Meredith demanded. “How can he just throw away our temple marriage like this?” She suddenly felt trapped in a marriage with someone she couldn’t trust and feared how this would affect her and their kids’ future. She wondered if it was best for her and the kids to leave the “dangerous” influences of her husband's behavior. She desperately wanted to feel hopeful but couldn’t see how to, based on the damage she believed pornography caused to a person.
What do these real-life examples have in common? They were all taught the ‘harms’ of pornography in their lessons on chastity in church. But never HOW to have thriving, loving relationships that had the skills to navigate difficult topics like pornography use.
They are not exceptions, they are not alone. As a mental health therapist specializing in the treatment of porn/sex issues, I can tell you that no one is immune to these unfortunate and false views. Bishops, Relief Society Presidents, youth, parents, these unchristlike perspectives deny the atonement and harm individuals and families more than viewing porn harms the individual and family. Having worked with leaders throughout the world, helping them to address the problem of pornography in their Wards and Branches, I can tell you firsthand how destructive these views are.
Now compare the experiences of those above with these real-life examples.
Leanne is a wife of 31 years: When my husband and I started the journey of turning towards each other in all of the aspects of our lives and began to create a truly intimate marriage, the “need” for my husband to turn to porn left him. And my “need” to constantly check up on him left me. And I was healed from being stuck in betrayal trauma. The connection that we made in turning towards one another to proactively create what we really wanted for our marriage was the answer to porn not being an issue for either of us from that point forward. Turning towards each other healed both of us. Read and listen to her full experience here: How Desiring to Understand My Husband’s Struggle Led to Healthy Dialogue and Healing and Discovering My Own Sexuality
Allison (F34): "The moment I changed my prayers from 'help me to stop viewing porn' to 'help me understand my sexual desires,' there was an immediate change that came over me. It felt freeing and I felt God’s love pour over me in a way I haven’t felt before. The desire to view porn melted away, some temptation but nothing like before, it was easily manageable. I’m no longer scared of porn."
David (M48): "It seems so obvious now. I was giving porn way too much power by always framing my strategy around avoiding temptation and the consequences of porn. However, when I turned to the Lord and talked with him about my sexual desires, it felt very weird at first, and like something was trying to keep me from doing it. Maybe the adversary, maybe the years of addiction treatment, I’m not sure. But once I pushed through the awkward, it was like a sense of clarity and hope I’d been longing for all this time. The temptation hasn’t left completely, but the more I learn about my body and my desires the easier it gets."
Again, these are just a few examples of how teaching correct principles in a christ-like way empowers people to their full potential. Unfortunately, in the hopes to ‘warn’ of potential dangers, many end up only teaching, embellishing, or pulling from the worst examples. Instead of focusing on how to learn of our desires and including God in that process, the teaching focus is overcome by fear and an “avoid at all cost” mentality. As Carl Jung put it, “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”!
Unfortunately, I believe this particular lesson; “How Can I Resist Pornography?” is similar to the chewed-up bubble gum, fence with a nail, or the old wedding dress lessons many of us adults experienced growing up. Let us learn from the past and refocus on the central message of Jesus Christ.
The hope with this particular lesson resource is that it will help each of you with that sacred process of preparing to teach and delivering this message in a way that is in harmony with the doctrine of Christ -- one that fosters hope in the recipient, and prepares them to address the challenge of pornography in their life.
It’s impossible to provide all the right answers and information in a lesson written for a general worldwide audience and in a comparatively very short time frame. Most will only have 15-25 mins to deliver a core message -- and for a topic as big as pornography and chastity, it’s critical that core truths and a message of love is shared clearly in that invaluable amount of time. I assure you, just like you remember the scary, fear-based chastity lessons of your youth, these children will remember these 15-25 minute chastity or porn lessons for the rest of their lives. Therefore, this is the opportunity for you to make a Christlike impression that will fortify these youth (and yourself) for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, the resources the Church offers are not always ideal, and we shouldn’t expect the Church to provide for ALL our lesson preparation. Elder Ballard has expressed his concern that we as Latter-day Saints "expect too much from Church leaders" and has strongly encouraged us TO SEEK out experts, even outside the church. He said;
…it is important to remember that I am a General Authority, but that does not make me an authority in general!
My calling and life experiences allow me to respond to certain types of questions. There are other types of questions that require an expert in a specific subject matter. This is exactly what I do when I need an answer to such questions: I seek help from others, including those with degrees and expertise in such fields.
I worry sometimes that members expect too much from Church leaders and teachers—expecting them to be experts in subjects well beyond their duties and responsibilities. The Lord called the apostles and prophets to invite others to come unto Christ—not to obtain advanced degrees in ancient history, biblical studies, and other fields that may be useful in answering all the questions we may have about scriptures, history, and the Church. Our primary duty is to build up the Church, teach the doctrine of Christ, and help those in need of help...
If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.
Fortunately, the Lord provided this counsel for those asking questions:
Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.
If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.
Now let’s turn our attention to a few of the questions you have submitted to me. I reviewed them to cover as broadly as possible the same topics mentioned many different times. Questions and Answers Elder Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles November 14, 2017
How Can I Resist Pornography? - Outline
Due to the complexity, misinformation, and sensitivity of this topic please consider approaching this lesson in the following ways;
- Spirit of prayer and fasting;
As you seek the guidance and wisdom of the spirit, your mind and heart will be able to decipher truth from error and teach this topic. You will also know how to present this lesson in a tone of love that will be the most effective in helping the recipient follow the covenant path.
- Start class with YM/YW Theme and Counsel Together
- Review the section on Love Versus Fear
- Prayerfully select which resources to prepare with and discuss with class;
The resources provided in this lesson are intended only as preparation material. It’s impossible to cover all the resources and topics, in the time allotted. Therefore, prayerfully select the concepts you believe are best for your participants. Also, if you haven’t already read through the Background - 'The Why', doing so might help you prepare for this lesson.
- Optional: Section Quotes About Marital Intimacy and Addressing Concerns is an additional resource to help navigate potential concerns.
LOVE VERSUS FEAR
A better way to teach is with love. Undoubtedly, each of your YM or YW will be uncomfortable talking about chastity and pornography. You might even be uncomfortable teaching this lesson. Embrace the awkward with love. Unfortunately, this awkwardness is a result of teaching this topic out of fear, not love.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf made this profound observation when he stated in General Conference;
People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Frequently, Latter-day Saints attend therapy to address their pornography use after years of working with their Bishop, Stake President, or attending ARP or another 12-step program. In nearly 100% of these cases, their struggle to succeed is a result of fear-based sexual health, chastity lessons, or the recovery program they are using. Elder Uchtdorf further cautions the use of fear, even if it seems ‘effective’;
It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Therefore, please prayerfully consider how fear is influencing your understanding of pornography and how you can follow the counsel of President Uchtdorf by teaching “a better way” with love.
My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Counsel Together
Led by a member of the quorum or class presidency; approximately 10–20 minutes
At the beginning of the meeting, repeat together the Young Women Theme or the Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme. Then lead a discussion about the work of salvation and exaltation using one or more of the questions below or questions of your own. (see General handbook, (10.2), (11.2),ChurchofJesusChrist.org). Plan ways to act on what you discuss.
Live the gospel. What recent experiences have strengthened our testimonies?
Care for those in need. Who needs our help and prayers? What do we feel impressed to do to help them?
Invite all to receive the gospel. How can we be a light to family members or friends who don’t share our beliefs?
Unite families for eternity. How can we show more love and support for our families and make a positive difference in our homes?
At the end of the lesson, as appropriate, do the following:
Testify of the principles taught.
Remind quorum or class members about the plans and invitations made during the meeting.
Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme
I am a beloved son of God, and He has a work for me to do.
With all my heart, might, mind, and strength, I will love God, keep my covenants, and use His priesthood to serve others, beginning in my own home.
As I strive to serve, exercise faith, repent, and improve each day, I will qualify to receive temple blessings and the enduring joy of the gospel.
I will prepare to become a diligent missionary, loyal husband, and loving father by being a true disciple of Jesus Christ.
I will help prepare the world for the Savior’s return by inviting all to come unto Christ and receive the blessings of His Atonement.
Young Women Theme
I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny.
As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.
I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.
As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.
Lesson Activity and Discussion
A variety of discussion topics are provided below, prayerfully select the discussion topics you believe will best meet the needs of your class.
- Assign your YM/YW to watch Changing the narrative around the addiction story, LDS Neuroscientist Cameron Staley Ph.D. in preparation to discuss how we can have a more loving and Christ-like approach to pornography.
- How does Cameron Staley Ph.D. suggest we change the narrative around pornography use?
- Does this feel like a more loving, inviting, and encouraging approach? What about it feels more loving?
- How do you feel this approach will improve your relationship with yourself, your Heavenly Parents, your future spouse, and your future children?
- Have class review and discuss Why Was Corianton’s Sin So Serious?
- How can understanding the doctrine in the Book of Mormon correctly help us to follow the covenant path and avoid fear and sexual shame?
Sexual sin was NOT equivalent to “shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost.” Rather, it was the act of leading others into apostasy through sinful behavior that was, in Alma’s view, next to shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost in seriousness. Given that he himself was once guilty of that particular crime (Mosiah 27; Alma 36), Alma’s pleading with Corianton to repent is all the more powerful (Alma 39:9–13).
see also related articles;
- In his article Recovering from the Trap of Pornography, by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Oaks warns against calling pornography viewing an ‘addiction’.
Also see the Churches offical page on NOT calling pornography use as an addiction: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
- What does Elder Oaks say is the risk of labeling someone as a porn addict?
Answer could include:
“… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”
- How might calling something an addiction prevent someone from repenting and having hope in the atonement?
- In the official Church resource "What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?" Instructs us to NOT call pornography use an "Addiction". What reasons does it give for this requests? What does this resource say should be considered in assessing the serioiusness of the pornography use? Why is considering these points of assessment critical in supporting the individual?
Answer could include:
"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."
Frequency
Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.
Duration
Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.
Intensity
Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.
For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.
Risk-Taking
Risk-taking tendencies or behaviors related to pornography use are another indicator of how severe the challenge may be. The more an individual is willing to risk to view pornography, the more difficult it generally is for him or her to discontinue its use. Risk-taking activities may include missing school, work, or other commitments; engaging in unlawful, covert, or dishonest behavior; or similar actions. Risk-taking behavior in adults may lead to loss of employment, divorce, family disruption, or criminal activity.
- In Daniel A. Burgess LMFT interview, Is Pornography Always an ADDICTION??, he suggests a few ways leadership can support its members struggling with pornography with a more loving and Christ-like approach.
- For the best protection against pornography, what does Daniel suggest Bishops should do with members confessing pornography use?
Answer could include:
- Encourage partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple.
- Changing prayer language from “how to stop pornography” to seeking greater love and understanding of their sexual development and desires.
- How can partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple bring us closer to God when struggling with pornography?
- How does changing our language in prayer foster love over fear?
- In what ways does Jason A. Staples Ph.D. say we incorrectly use and understand “lust” according to Matthew 5:27–28?
- What are the four reasons Jason A. Staples Ph.D. gives for why misunderstanding Matthew 5:27–28 is dangerous?
- Request participants, to either watch “Why Is Porn A Problem?” or show sections in class.
- Explore with the class what the experts say is the reason why some can't stop looking at pornography?
- What are their responses to the questions or thoughts on, are we evil for viewing porn?
- How do they suggest moving forward and recovering?
- What do the experts say for the reason porn viewing can hurt oneself and their spouse?
- Open discussion; Have the class share what they found most insightful, or helpful in the “Why Is Porn A Problem?” video. How do their new insights bring us closer to our Heavenly Parents and increase our hope?
Depending on the maturity and readiness of the class you might also consider reviewing the relationship aspects discussed in “Why Is Porn A Problem?”
- How can we prepare now for a future spouse who might view pornography?
- In what ways can we support our spouse or future spouse?
Lesson Resources
Prior to teaching this lesson have your class read, watch, listen, in part or full the following resources:
see also related articles;
- Recovering from the Trap of Pornography By Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
- Official LDS resource: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
“… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”
"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."
Frequency
Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.
Duration
Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.
Intensity
Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.
For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.
Quotes About Marital Intimacy
Some persons have supposed that our natural affections were the results of a fallen and corrupt nature, and that they are “carnal, sensual, and devilish,” and therefore ought to be resisted, subdued, or overcome as so many evils which prevent our perfection, or progress in the spiritual life. In short, that they should be greatly subdued in this world, and in the world to come entirely done away. And even our intelligence also.
Such persons have mistaken the source and fountain of happiness altogether. They have not one correct idea of the nature of the enjoyments, or happiness of heaven, or earth; of this life or any other…
Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever.
There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion; …
The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.
These pure affections are inspired in our bosoms, and interwoven with our nature by an all wise and benevolent being, who rejoices in the happiness and welfare of his creatures. All his revelations to man, touching this subject, are calculated to approve, encourage, and strengthen these emotions, and to increase and perfect them; that man, enlightened and taught of God, may be more free, more social, cheerful, happy, kind, familiar, and lovely than he was before; that he may fill all the relationships of life, and act in every sphere of usefulness with a greater energy, and with a readier mind, and a more willing heart. – Essential Parley P. Pratt
We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying. God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.’ (Genesis 1:28.) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in woman towards man, and in man towards woman and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes. We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltation in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things. – John Taylor
The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure. – Joseph F. Smith
Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose. – Richard G. Scott
Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. – Howard W. Hunter
Intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. – Douglas Brinley
Physical intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a husband and a wife—the very uniting of their souls—but it is also symbolic of a shared relationship between them and their Father in Heaven. He is immortal and perfect. We are mortal and imperfect. Nevertheless we seek ways even in mortality whereby we can unite with Him spiritually. – Jeffrey R. Holland
Addressing Concerns
The following responses to frequent concerns about pornography use is intended to provide truth over error. While some of the facts listed below dispel frequent false claims about pornography viewing, this is in NO way support for viewing pornography. Rather, these facts are here to provide hope and clarity, and calm the very real fears youth and adults have about the potential consequences of prior porn viewing, which are almost always inflated.
Viewing pornography contributes to sexual crime
This is a very common theory cited frequently both in literature and by people in general. The reasoning is often along the lines of “viewing porn gives men ideas and fantasies, so that they will then go out and assault a woman to play out their fantasies.” Sometimes you will even hear studies cited about the prevalence of a history of pornography use by sexual offenders. There are several problems that firmly establish this as a myth, not a fact.
- The official Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that there was more than a 60% decline in sexual violence against females from 1995 TO 2010! - Female Victims Of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010
https://www.statista.com/statistics/191226/reported-forcible-rape-rate-in-the-us-since-1990/
Many claim that the access to high speed Internet pornography have increased sexual crimes exponentially, but there is NO research or statistics that confirm these opinions. These claims are often made in opinion articles published in official journals. For example the opinion article The Public Health Harms of Pornography: The Brain, Erectile Dysfunction, and Sexual Violence in "A Journal on Sexual Exploitations and Violence" is often quoted as a "study", but in fact is not a study. These are often well intended individuals trying to create urgency around this topic by using fear, not facts.
While some of their concerns about sex crimes being underreported are valid, the lack of data is not an excuse to insinuate, fabricate or use fear to retain a narrative. It's crucial to find ways to improve the data and make wise and informed decisions off that data. However, the fact that ALL crime according to the FBI has reduced since the early 1990s seems to demonstrate consistency in the data. Crime in the United States by Volume and Rate per 100,000 Inhabitants, 1993–2012
Furthermore, the fact that sex crimes have significantly decreased could be indicators that SOMETHING is working. By focusing on a narrative over facts, significant harm can be done to protecting woman and children. The drop in crime against women and children also doesn't reduce the importance of making the internet a safer place.
Finally, studies about sexual offenders and their pornography history is an example of confusing correlation and causation. Pornography viewing rates for males vary widely between surveys from near 50 percent (often for older males) to nearing 100 percent (for younger males). With these types of rates, it would be statistically surprising that most male criminals didn’t have a history of pornography usage; however, despite these rates, sexual offenders make up just .00279 percent of the population in the United States and its territories.
- Someone having fantasies does not mean that he or she is going to act on that fantasy. This is just as true for sexual fantasies as it is for all those fantasies we may have about work, recreation, or life. Statistics for rape fantasies among women (typically of being raped) are reported at being between 31 percent and 57 percent, and for men (typically of raping a woman) are between 13 percent and 54 percent. Women's erotic rape fantasies: an evaluation of theory and research
No one thinks that 50 percent of women actually want to be raped in real life, nor that 50 percent of men want to actually rape a woman in real life. So the idea that engaging in fantasies, even fantasies of violent or heinous acts, will result in people following through with those acts is patently false.
- Some people will push back on this and say that just because not everyone who watches porn engages in sexual assault doesn’t mean that porn doesn’t result in an increase, albeit a smaller one, in those crimes. This is also demonstrably false.
The introduction of the internet in the late 1990s can be considered the largest experiment on this issue to likely ever take place. Prior to the internet, access to pornography was generally limited to either Playboys or similar magazines that depicted nudity but not sexual activity or to videos that had to be ordered by mail, purchased at a sex shop, or rented from the local video rental store. The introduction of online pornography has increased access and use exponentially as it is now accessible easily, without cost, and, practically speaking, anonymously.
According to the claim that porn causes one to be more likely to commit sexual crimes, the dramatic increase in consumption of pornography due to the internet should have resulted in an measurable increase in sexual crimes. Instead, we have seen the opposite. The Federal Bureau of Justice Statistics shows a decline in the number of sexual assault victimizations of females from 1995 to 2010 by 58 percent. In other words, the amount of sexual assaults against women has gone down by almost 60 percent with the introduction and proliferation of internet pornography. A number of other studies have been done on the link between sexual crime and pornography availability, and they almost exclusively show a decrease in sexual crimes with a few showing negligible impacts. Pornography, public acceptance and sex related crime: A review
Porn will make people treat women as objects
This is a very common accusation, and often is accompanied by claims that the pornography viewer ends up viewing all women as inanimate objects with no emotions or feelings at all. It is an emotionally charged concept and can be difficult to talk about. What makes this myth particularly difficult to address is that in some ways it is true. Let’s start by defining objectification.
Ob·jec·ti·fi·ca·tion \əbˌjektəfəˈkāSH(ə)n\ noun: the action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object.
The definition of objectification is notably lacking specific reference to both sexuality and to women. There is a reason for that: objectification happens in all sorts of aspects of life. Dr. David Ley commented on this phenomenon.
Nobody wants to be seen as merely an object. We all want to be seen as a person, a unique being, with our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. But, as usual, sexual objectification is, for some reason, treated as especially “wrong” compared to other types of objectification.
Our society, in fact, thrives on objectification. You don’t think telemarketers REALLY care about you as a person, do you? Objectification is not necessarily a bad thing. Surgeons commonly “objectify” their patients because it is easier to cut into them when the surgeon is not distracted by thoughts of this person’s feelings, future and past. Soldiers objectify their enemies to make it easier to attack or kill them. What do we tell a person who is afraid of public speaking? “Imagine your audience naked…”.
He then explains the other side to sexual objectification.
Research with pornography and objectification has actually shown that when we see someone as a sexualized “object,” there are some good sides to that. When we are sexualizing someone, we tend to see them as someone who experiences things in a powerful way. We see them as “experiencers,” who we can imagine “experiencing” sex with us. There was an old study years ago where people thought they were giving electric shocks to other people. Current studies on sexual objectification suggest that if that person were showing more skin, or was even naked, people would shock them less. Not because they want to get laid by that poor person, but because we believe, on the basis of that sexual objectification, that they would feel the pain more intensely than other people.
This is a far cry from the idea that objectification amounts to women being seen as a chair or a treadmill to be used for our enjoyment without consideration at all. In fact, Joshua Knobe, professor of philosophy and cognitive science at Yale University, notes that objectification isn’t really an accurate term for what is taking place. He and some colleagues conducted an experiment about objectification by giving male participants a picture of a woman who is either clothed or nude and posed normally, or nude and posed sexually. They then had participants rate the woman on how capable they thought she was of having agency (self-control and both planning and acting morally) and how capable she was of having experiences (feeling fear, desire, and pleasure). Based on their results, they found that men believed the woman posing naked and in a sexy pose was seen as having less agency but more experience than the woman who was just naked or clothed posing normally. From that data, they deduced that,
In short, it doesn't look like pornography is leading men to treat women as mere “objects.” Instead, we seem to be getting something that might be called animalification—treating a woman as though she lacks the capacity for complex thinking and reasoning, but at the same time, treating her as though she was even more capable of having strong feelings and emotional responses.”
Again, this is not the same as truly objectifying someone and seeing them as “an object.” Rather, as Knobe later puts it, “the problem here doesn't have to do with ignoring a person's mind but rather with focusing exclusively on just one part of that mind.”
This is something that we all engage in even during a sexual experience with a spouse. When we find ourselves moving towards orgasm and wanting our spouse to continue doing what they are doing or to just hold still for a moment or to stop something distracting because we are close to the point of climax, we are objectifying them, seeing them in that moment in the context of our own self rather than as a full person who may not want to stop what they’re doing. Hopefully though, when that moment of objectification has passed, we re-engage with them, attend to their needs, cuddle, and draw close again. In this way, objectification is functional similar to the way it is functional for a surgeon or soldier.
Yes, in consuming pornography, we only see part of a person. This isn’t a problem specific to pornography, it is simply an aspect of how we all function in various aspects of life and one that can, when taken to an extreme, be incredibly problematic. So we are then left with the question of whether the objectification in the context of pornography consumption devalues women uniquely in real life. And the answer is no.
In 2016, researchers from Ontario tested this theory. Specifically, they wanted to measure how pornography use impacted the attitudes of egalitarianism in men. They measured egalitarian attitudes toward women holding positions of power, women working outside the home, abortion issues (including under conditions like rape), and attitudes around the traditional family. What did they find? Those who used pornography held attitudes that were more egalitarian than those who did not use pornography. In other words, rather than pornography consumption being correlated with negative attitudes about women, it was correlated with positive, egalitarian ideas about women.
The idea that pornography objectifies women in any way that is unique from objectification that happens generally in life or is harmful to attitudes about women is a myth.
Viewing pornography will corrupt your sexual interest
There is no arguing that pornography will expose someone to sexual acts, behaviors, and ideas that they might not otherwise have. Viewing and even repeatedly seeking out this material has lead some to the idea that such exposure is ruining or corrupting their sexuality, perhaps even irreparably. Reasoning often accompanies the idea that the person is becoming “satiated” and developing a “tolerance” to more mainstream pornography and requires increasingly “intense” or “shocking” material to get aroused. Such a thought is quite frightening and consequently creates enormous concern. Fortunately, research has shown this to be completely false.
Over 2,000 people who identified as consumers of pornography were surveyed in this research. Fifty-eight percent were women and a little less than half were in a relationship. The survey asked them how arousing they found each of 27 different categories of pornography covering a broad range of mainstream and non-mainstream interests. While some identified as being aroused by non-mainstream pornography, they were also aroused by mainstream pornography. They also didn’t report being any less sexually satisfied than those who did not report being aroused by the non-mainstream pornography. This shows that consumption of pornography will not corrupt your sexual interests and cause you to not be interested in more mainstream sexual stimuli. It shows a lack of evidence (the closest science comes to disproving something) for the idea of satiation and tolerance in pornography consumption.
With that said, those who do view pornography often find themselves aroused by new things. The research discussed above would note that this is not a corruption of sexuality since mainstream sexual stimuli is still arousing. Rather, it is a discovery of increased breadth of sexual interest.
The most common way to conceptualize this broadening of interests is as a lovemap, which was developed by psychologist John Money in 1980. He and others have expanded on it ever since. The lovemap is the sum of those thoughts, ideas, fantasies, situations, traits, etc. that make up what we find to be seuxally arousing. The formation of this template begins with the hormones we are exposed to at birth and continues up into puberty. Money notes that the most vulnerable and critical years for lovemap formation is not teenagehood when sexual hormones are raging but rather the formative years of about five to eight years old. And after puberty, the lovemap has largely been formed and is extremely resistant to change.
John Money, a prominent psychologist and sexologist, introduced the concept of a 'lovemap' to describe the mental blueprint that shapes an individual's sexual desires and preferences. Born in New Zealand in 1921 and later working in the United States, Money was a key figure in the field of sexual identity and development. His groundbreaking work at Johns Hopkins University, where he was influential in the establishment of the first gender identity clinic, contributed significantly to the understanding of gender identity and sexual orientation.
Money's concept of a lovemap encompasses a variety of mental images, ideas, fantasies, situations, and traits that collectively define what one finds sexually arousing. He proposed that these lovemaps begin forming early in life, shaped by an interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors. Contrary to a sole focus on hormonal influences, Money emphasized the importance of early childhood experiences and societal interactions in the development of these sexual templates. He believed that while lovemaps start forming in childhood, they become relatively stable and resistant to change after puberty.
In counseling, explaining lovemaps can be akin to describing a subconscious sexual scrapbook, unknowingly compiled from a diverse array of sexual and erotic experiences. This scrapbook, though created without conscious awareness, forms the foundation of an individual's sexual identity. Gaining insight into its content, however, is not straightforward. It requires exploration, openness, and a certain level of sexual confidence. While individuals may have some awareness of their sexual preferences and fantasies, much of their lovemap remains unexplored, making self-discovery a key aspect of understanding one's sexual identity.
John Money's theories, including his work on lovemaps, have been influential in the fields of psychology and sexology. They have sparked considerable discussion and debate, contributing to a deeper understanding of human sexuality and its complex interplay with psychological and social factors.
The privacy and anonymity of pornography can expose the viewer to aspects of sexuality that they may not have explored yet. They can browse for taboo topics, fantasies, or imagery that they might otherwise not be able to explore. Whether that is going to end up being sexually arousing to them or not is based on their lovemap. They are essentially flipping to that page in their sexual scrapbook and finding out, “Wow, there’s a of great stuff that I like on these pages,” or “There are a couple of interesting things here, but not a ton of stuff,” or even “Huh, I don’t have any pages about that in my scrapbook.”
Once you find certain pages, you may end up spending time learning more about that, exploring there, diving into those pages; however, pornography exposure will not add pages to your scrapbook or tear pages out. It just might point out pages that you hadn’t really spent much time on before. In other words, viewing pornography isn't corrupting sexual interests; people are using pornography to explore the sexual interests they already have.
According to Matthew 5:27–28, lusting is evil.
You heard it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman/wife in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27–28
Probably one of the most misinterpreted Bible scripture used to teach chastity, biblical scholar Jason A. Staples (Ph.D., UNC-Chapel Hill), who is a historian of early Judaism and Christianity, has observed in his article “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages. Why misinterpreting this scripture is particularly dangerous;
The biggest problem with the way these verses are usually explained is that it misplaces the focus away from the will, from the commitment of the heart, towards a condemnation of the natural desires human beings are created having. Young men in many churches are effectively told that there is something inherently sinful in their sexual impulses.
As a devout Latter-day Saint, and Therapist who works primarily with sexual health and compulsive porn and sexual behavior, I have also seen the very real danger of Latter-day Saints misinterpreting this scripture in a way that harms them as individuals and harms their marriages. Jason A. Staples's observation hits home in a profound way. In reading the following you might be surprised to know he is not LDS. But he is addressing the danger of this misinterpretation to a general Christian audience. Beyond semantics and misinterpretation, he points out four major reasons why misinterpreting this scripture is harmful;
1. A great deal of self-defeat and guilt about sexual desire is a problem in much of the church. Young men are often entirely consumed with their efforts “not to lust,” as though focusing even more attention on the matter of sexual desire would actually help things!
2. In the same vein, I have even had married men talk to me about how they try not to “lust” for their wives! This stems from the misguided idea that if their desire for sex is simply because they’re “horny,” there’s something inherently wrong with that, something to feel guilty about. (In contrast, look at the way Paul approaches marital sex in 1 Cor 7; he seems to present it as the necessary and acceptable cure for “being horny.”) Talk about a way to take some of the joy out of marriage and substitute defeat and guilt!
3. Many young men simply give up the fight, reasoning that if they’re already guilty of sexual sin because of their thoughts, they might as well go ahead and enjoy the real thing. You’d probably be surprised how often this is the case.
4. Some who understand this passage to be a condemnation of lust actually reason that they can have extramarital (or at least premarital) sex as long as they “don’t lust.”
Staples continues by saying that we, unfortunately;
…emphasize this verse to men and (especially) adolescent boys, warning that if they so much as think of a woman in a sexual manner, they’ve already sinned, that they’ve already effectively done the deed with her. Such an interpretation often works hand-in-glove with the common idea that Jesus “intensified” the Law in the Sermon on the Mount, setting a higher standard in order to show that no person could actually live up to God’s standards, showing that a person could only be saved by recognizing the impossibility of righteousness and then receiving forgiveness (a complete misinterpretation of the Sermon on the Mount I will address at another time). So the common teaching is: lust (that is, sexual lust) is absolutely evil—equivalent, even, to the physical act of sexual sin.
Another key aspect of nearly all the common misinterpretations of this verse is a specific (mistaken) definition of the word “lust.” Specifically, many readers understand “lust” as specifically denoting misplaced or overly robust libido. For example, as one recent conversation partner explained to me, “I take lust to mean wanting something more than you should in an unhealthy way.”
Despite its popularity, this interpretation is imprecise, even flat wrong, and leads to surprisingly harmful consequences, making this verse a great candidate to start this series.
Staples continues by examining the nuance and significance of this misinterpretation by stating;
… the Greek word usually translated “lust” in this passage (ἐπιθυμέω; epithumeô) is precisely the word for “covet” (Hebrew חמד) in the Tenth Command in the Septuagint (Greek Old Testament), which says:
‘You will not covet your neighbor’s wife. You will not covet your neighbors house or his field or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or any animal which is your neighbor’s. (Ex 20:17 LXX)’
Looks pretty familiar, doesn’t it? In fact, it’s essentially identical; since there’s no distinction between the words “wife” and “woman” in Greek, the word translated “wife” here is the same that is translated “woman” in Matthew (both English words translate the same Greek word γύνη; gynē).
It turns out that Jesus isn’t saying anything new at all in Matthew 5:27–28. Instead, he directly cites one of the Ten Commands to remind his audience that the Law not only prohibits adultery, it prohibits coveting with the same severity. This is not an intensification of the Law; it’s a reminder of what the Law already says. In addition, Jesus gives no indication that he regards the Law as too difficult to keep—he not only assumes that his followers can follow his interpretation of the Torah but commands them to do so.
Now that it’s clear that Jesus isn’t saying something specifically new here but is instead calling attention to the Tenth Command, the next order of business is to understand the tenth command and the concept of “coveting.” The first thing to understand is that when the Hebrew חמד or Greek ἐπιθυμέω are used as verbs in the OT, it denotes desire directed at obtaining the specific object in question and not merely the existence of the desire itself.
Strikingly, the nominal (noun-form) concept of “lust” or “desire” (even the sexual variety) is nowhere forbidden in Scripture, nor is it equated with sin—only the potential to sin: “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin. And when sin is completed, it brings forth death” (James 1:14–15). Note that James clearly distinguishes between “lust” (that is, desire) at the stage of temptation and “sin,” which is the actual commission of an act.
Pornography is as addictive as drugs.
There is NO evidence that pornography is as addictive as drugs.
This myth is a result of fear-based media and well-intending people to emphasize the potential dangers of porn use. Often the media and certain 'experts' will quote from neuroscience research to support their statements.
For example, one of the most widely misused/misquoted study is the 2014 Dr. Valerie Voon study, "Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours" which even the Church used to emphisize the 'danger' of porn viewing, in a press release that included "a call of action to parents," and that "letting children consume pornography freely was likeleaving heroin lying around the house, or handing out vodka at the school gates.” Cambridge Study confirms Danger of Pornography
However, this is NOT what Dr. Valerie Voon research found and,
“Voon is quick to caution against using her studies to leap to conclusions about the addictiveness of sex or porn. ‘Much more research is required,’ she explains."
Additionally other neuroscientists at the University of California, Los Angeles,
"observed that volunteers who believed they had a problem with porn reacted to the pictures with low levels of excitement in the brain, unlike other addicts faced with triggering cues.” These people may be having problems, but of some other type,” says Prause. “Addiction is not a good way of understanding it.” Can you really be addicted to sex?
What Dr. Voon study actually says is the following;
The current study has multiple limitations.
1. the study involved only (19) heterosexual male subjects.
2. there currently exist no formal diagnostic criteria for CSB and thus this represents a limitation for understanding the findings and placing them within the larger literature.
3. given the cross-sectional nature of the study, inferences about causality cannot be made.
4. the small sample and lack of a whole brain corrected approach is a limitation.
The current and extant findings suggest that a common network exists for sexual-cue reactivity and drug-cue reactivity in groups with CSB (compulsive sexual behavior) and drug addictions, respectively. These findings suggest overlaps in networks underlying disorders of pathological consumption of drugs and natural rewards. **While this study may suggest overlaps with substance-use disorders, further clinical studies are required to determine whether CSB should be categorized as an impulse-control disorder, within an obsessive-compulsive spectrum or as a behavioural addiction.
In more recent interviews, Dr. Valerie Voon has stated after having conducted more research that she
... takes a more moderate view. “I suspect (porn) probably doesn’t cause a ‘major’ cognitive risk,” she says in an email to The Daily Beast. But she adds there are potential issues with porn consumption for especially vulnerable populations. “I think one of the main issues would be that there may be a subgroup of people who may run into problems with compulsive use.”
Furthermore, Dr. Cameron Staley, LDS scientist and leading expert in the subject, has studied porn addiction his whole career and has stated that NO research supports porn addiction. In one interview he made the following observation;
“I believe the Adversary attempts to convince us that, ‘You are horrible, that you should never tell anybody, never reach out for help, don’t even use the Atonement, don’t talk to anybody—he wins. We shut down. We withdraw,” Staley says. “But if we view it as, ‘Oh wow, I’m doing something that’s inconsistent with my beliefs, let’s understand what’s going on, the Atonement still applies to me. I’m not a bad person, I’m just doing things that I don’t want to do.’”
According to Staley, religious people feel distress when viewing pornography “as high as other people that are viewing at really high rates,” even if they don’t view it as often. Through his research, he has also discovered that believing you are “addicted” may maintain unwanted pornography viewing in the future. “Believing you’re addicted takes away the hope, and when we don’t have hope, we do things to soothe ourselves, and the one strategy these individuals have come up with to soothe themselves is viewing pornography,” Staley says. “That’s the cycle.”
Finally, some professionals have embraced the fear-based side of porn use as a core part of their business model.
What about all the science that supports sex/porn addiction?
The topic of sex/porn addiction and its validity is a complex topic, which is too often overly-simplified and forced into being an absolute - such as being an addiction or not.
“Addiction” is an overused term that has morphed into a general description of any impulsive behavior. But “addiction” has a very specific meaning in science and mental health. As a result, the general use of the term has caused much confusion. However, the confusion is not an issue of semantics alone. If it were semantics alone, this would not be a cause of concern. Rather, the issue is in applying effective methods and solutions; it goes to the core of accurately identifying the problem and the treatment.
For example, imagine going to the doctor and saying you have cancer, and the doctor immediately starts chemo and other invasive forms of cancer treatment. This treatment goes on for days, months, and years, only to discover you don’t have cancer at all. Some will exclaim, it's because you’re cured! Others will say the cancer is still there because you still feel sick. You go another round of chemo and invasive treatment. Some will say, well cancer is so dangerous that whether you had cancer or not, what could the chemo hurt? You might be thinking there is a malpractice case developing here since the doctor only relied on a personal report, failing in his duty to do his own diagnostics and assessments. You’d be right.
However, this is at the core of the problem with sex/porn addiction treatment. There is no robust standard for assessment. The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is almost entirely subjective and moralistic (“moral incongruence”) and relies almost entirely on personal assessment and reports. Not an empirical assessment.
Why is a moral incongruence bad? It’s important to consider our core values, including our religious values/faith, and commitments/covenants while assessing sex/porn addiction. However, if the assessment is done through the lens of morality, that individual will most likely self-assess more severely.
For example, if one perceives viewing porn with eternal consequences (a form of betrayal and adultery), that individual will most likely assess more severely than someone who does not view their porn use in the terms of morality. Ergo, the same treatment is given for an individual who viewed an Instagram model on occasion versus an individual presenting with frequent, out-of-control, prolonged exposure and engaging in illegal and risk-taking behavior.
Research on the moral perception of sex/porn and its impact on perceived behaviors is well documented:
Furthermore, the addiction model is essentially a one-size-fits-all approach, with variations depending on the treatment center. More effective treatment centers and approaches include assessment for comorbid diagnoses, but the treatment is usually the same.
ARP or Addiction treatment is the best way to recover or stop porn use.
The best and most current research on sex/porn addiction does not support the addiction model of treatment. The addiction model has been well studied and has been shown to have a success rate between 5-10%, which is less than doing nothing at all for treatment.
In one of the most comprehensive analyses of various alcohol abuse treatments, AA ranked 37th out of 48 treatment methods. It was well behind the most effective methods, which were brief interventions, motivational enhancement, and GABA agonist medication, but also well behind even such minimal interventions as case management (12th), acupuncture (17th), exercise (20th), and the no-intervention-at-all method, simply labeled self-monitoring (30th). —Saving Psychotherapy: How Therapists Can Bring the Talking Cure Back from the Brink by Benjamin E. Caldwell
If you are one of the 5-10% success rates, wonderful! The desire for improved treatment from porn use in no way discount the 5-10%. (Also, see; “The Sober Truth" and “Sex Addiction a Critical History”) Rather it’s impairative to find a way for MORE people to experience the success of those few in addiction treatment.
As Latter-day Saints we have an impairative to save souls. If you were given a more successful aproach, or if you were aware of a better way to treat porn use. Avoiding years of struggle that resulted in years of suffering being avoided. Wouldn't you do all you can to bring that to the many souls craving for more meaningful and lasting solutions? As such many trained professionals tend to suggest more effective treatment like A.C.T. or ACT-based treatment over the LDS Church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), or other addiction-based models of treatment. Additionally, both “the science” and the “LDS Church” agree in discouraging the use of the addiction language and approach.
The Science: The most current and comprehensive scientific review of sex/porn addiction: Sexual addiction 25 years on: A systematic and methodological review of empirical literature and an agenda for future research
The LDS Church: What LDS Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said about porn “addiction” which is also in line with the scientific research:
In earlier times and circumstances, our counsel about pornography focused principally on helping individuals to avoid initial exposure or to recover from addiction. While those efforts are still important, past experience and current circumstances have shown the need for counsel addressed to levels of pornography use between the polar extremes of avoidance and addiction. It is helpful to focus on four different levels of involvement with pornography: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction).
…
Once we recognize these different levels, we also recognize that not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted. That is a very important distinction to make—not just for the parents, spouses, and leaders who desire to help but also for those who struggle with this problem. Here is why.
First, the deeper the level of involvement one engages in—from inadvertent exposure, to occasional or repeated intentional use, to intensive use, to compulsive (addictive) use—the more difficult it is to recover. If behavior is incorrectly classified as an addiction, the user may think he or she has lost agency and the capacity to overcome the problem. This can weaken resolve to recover and repent. On the other hand, having a clearer understanding of the depth of a problem—that it may not be as ingrained or extreme as feared—can give hope and an increased capacity to exercise agency to discontinue and repent.
Second, as with any sinful behavior, willful use of pornography drives away the Holy Ghost. Some who have experienced this will feel prompted to repent. Others, however, may feel embarrassed and seek to hide their guilt through deceit. They may also begin to feel shame, which can lead to self-loathing. If this happens, users may begin to believe one of Satan’s greatest lies: that what they have done or continue to do makes them a bad person, unworthy of the Savior’s grace and incapable of repentance. That is simply not true. We are never too far out of reach from the Savior and His Atonement. — Recovering from the Trap of Pornography
The Ideal and the Real: a Reading of Genesis 38 and Judah
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Except, does it really mean what we think it means?
I will go over this quickly, as I want to spend most of my time on another scripture passage instead, so I encourage you to read what Michael Ash wrote about Alma 39:5 HERE as well as what my friends at Book of Mormon Central have written about the same thing HERE. Their argument is basically this: Alma was not necessarily equating sexual immorality to the sin next to murder. Rather, that leading others into apostasy is practically "murdering their spirits" and thus that is the sin next to murder. We can see this in Alma 36:13-14 "yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments. Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction." Alma caused many people to go down the road of apostasy because he led them astray, and we see he considered his actions to be a form of spiritual murder. Turning to Alma 39 we see that Corianton "abandoned the ministry" (Alma 39:3, 4 & 16) and his actions with the harlot Isabel persuaded the Zoramites to apostatize ("when they saw your conduct they would not believe in my words." (Alma 39:11)). Thus, Corianton's sin was grievous not simply because he had a sexual encounter with a harlot (though, we should recognize that the text is not explicit that he actually did); but because of his actions with Isabel, the Zoramites recognized his hypocrisy and refused to believe the prophet. Mormon is quick to point out that the Zoramites' apostasy is the reason why the great war started (Alma 43:4-5). Their spiritual rebellion leads to social-political rebellion and a terrible military conflict for the Nephites, Lamanites, and Zoramites that lasts for 22 years.
Just so I am not misunderstood, neither myself, BMC or Ash are saying that sexual sins are not serious. Sexual immorality in its many forms can have very profound, drastic, and grievous consequences; and ancient and modern prophets have consistently preached sexual purity as the Lord's standard. Next, I just want to put this out there. When we discuss sexual immorality as Latter-day Saints we tend to weigh any and every sexual sin the same. I will not delve into this here, but if you ask me, pornography use is very different and distinct from pre-marital sex which is very different and distinct from having an extra-marital affair. The consequences and ramifications for each are different, yet we generally tend to lump them all together. My friend, Daniel Burgess, has contributed a lot to this conversation. Again, I don't have the time to get into it, so I will direct you to his blog HERE.
At last, we get to the meat of what I want to talk about today: a reading of Genesis 38, the Joseph in Egypt Narrative, and a good look at the character Judah. I have to give a lot of credit to Ben Spackman for providing the foundation of this reading — in his blog on the Sunday school lessons he addresses Gen 38. I have built heavily on and expanded what he wrote. You can see some of what he has written HERE, HERE and HERE.
The Ideal and the Real: Joseph and Judah in Egypt
Genesis chapters 37-50 are one cohesive story, but when we study it we typically cut it into two pieces, and we throw out Genesis 38 because it’s just weird. This, I think, causes us to miss the important story markers that connect the chapters at the beginning to the chapters at the end. Also, Gen 38 is one of my favorite chapters in the whole Old Testament because of what it does to Judah's character. I really think Judah is the hero of the story (the whole Joseph in Egypt story), a hero that we overlook because we only focus on Joseph. Judah represents the real human, while Joseph is an ideal human. I think we can all, and shouldn’t be ashamed, to see Judah in all of us.
In Genesis 37 we are introduced to Joseph — the dreamer, and favorite of his father — and we also meet his jealous brothers. Joseph tells his family about his dreams. I think we tend to idealize Joseph and ignore how much of a brat he is about all this. Additionally, I think revenge is on his mind when he sees in brothers in Egypt, and not a "test to see if they changed". But that is an aspect of the story that I don't want to focus on for our purposes today. Joseph, after all, represents the ideal, so we can keep him that way. Joseph never does wrong, keep that in mind. When Joseph went out to the fields to visit his brothers, and they conspired to initially kill him, Ruben, the eldest son, persuaded them to just throw him in a pit (Genesis 38:20–22). Ruben is the oldest, therefore he is supposed to be the leader. But his leadership fails. It is Judah, though, who takes charge of the brothers and changes the plan. “What profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood? Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content” (Genesis 37:26–27). Judah is perfectly content with selling another human being.
Joseph is then sold as a slave. His precious coat is torn and presented to Jacob. The brothers ask Jacob to “know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no” (Genesis 37:32). The Hebrew root for the word “know” is nakar which means to know, recognize, discern.[1] This word is important as it’s the word the connects all the chapters together. It is then in Genesis 38 that the story moves to Judah and Tamar. Some scholars have argued that this chapter represents an interruption in the Joseph narrative,[2] yet it has several prominent features that contribute to a unity of the larger narrative in Genesis 37–48. In Genesis 38, Tamar marries Er, the son of Judah. For whatever reason, God smites him and he dies. Following the not-yet-codified levirate law of marriage[3] in order to raise a child for the lost son Er, Tamar marries Judah’s next son, Onan. While the KJV beats around the bush, but the NRSV clearly states what his sin is (Gen 38:9 NRSV). Onan has sex with Tamar but pulls out in order to prevent her from having a child that would legally not be his. Thus, he too is killed by God. Judah, having lost two sons refused to give his third son to Tamar, “lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did” (Genesis 38:11). Because Judah would not give his next son to Tamar, the duty of raising a child in the name of Er falls to Judah himself. To get Judah to fulfill his culturally acceptable obligations Tamar crafts a plan. She dresses up as a harlot and encounters Judah. He begins the negotiations to a sexual encounter, but since he has nothing to give her, Tamar requests his signet, bracelet and staff as a “pledge,” or “surety.” This is equivalent to what we would call a security deposit. They agree that Judah would later bring a goat to her as payment and she would return his signet, bracelet and staff. Judah is perfectly content to buy another human being.
Judah conducts his business, and Tamar goes her way never coming back to collect the goat. (An important detail connecting this chapter to the rest is that a goat is used in the deception plot, first to Jacob by the brothers, and now by Tamar to deceive Judah) Months later, when Judah finds out she is pregnant he summons her so that she may be executed by fire (Genesis 38:24). Yet, Tamar produces Judah’s signet, bracelet and staff and says “Discern, I pray thee, whose are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff” (Genesis 38:25). Here we see the same root, nakar, translated as “discern.” These two instances are the only times this word appears in this same form in the entire Bible, and not by chance, this is a deliberate connection. We see the same root appear again in Gen 42:7-8, discernment is a theme running through all these chapters. Judah recognizes his error and pronounces a blessing for her and a condemnation for himself. “She hath been more righteous than I” (Genesis 38:26). This is a sincere recognition of his guilt. According to 1 Chron. 4:21 the first son of Shelah was named Er, thus supporting the notion that Judah did eventually let Tamar marry Shelah and that his first son was given to the line of dead brother thus fulfilling that law. Judah not only recognized his wrong, he accepted it and he corrected it.
The next time we see Judah he is a completely changed person.
The narrative then moves to Joseph in Egypt. First, he is in Potiphar’s house, where Potiphar’s wife tries to seduce Joseph (Genesis 39:12). This event is meant to be juxtaposed with Judah’s actions in Genesis 38. Often, Joseph is praised as the ideal that everyone should aspire to be like, since he flees from temptation. We are constantly taught to be like Joseph, especially in sexual matters. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with holding this high ideal. However, I think we can see sometimes that when kids hear “be like Joseph” but then when they make a mistake they may think they can never go back to being like Joseph. This ideal standard is just not the reality for many good kids. On the other hand, Judah embodies reality. Everyone makes mistakes, even grave ones, yet there is still room for redemption. Let us continue.
Joseph is then imprisoned until he interprets Pharaoh’s dream of the seven years of plenty and seven years of famine. Pharaoh promotes Joseph to be in charge of preparations for the famine. After the famine begins, Joseph’s brothers go to Egypt to buy food. Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they don’t recognize him (Genesis 42:7–8). The word nakar appears here again. During the first visit, Joseph takes Simeon hostage until they bring Benjamin to him (Genesis 42:20, 24). It is during Joseph’s tests of his brothers that we see the repentant man Judah has become. Back in Canaan, the family runs out of food and they must go back to Egypt. Jacob does not consent to Ruben’s pleading to let them take Benjamin (Genesis 42:36–38). Again, Ruben is supposed to be the leader, but he fails a second time. It is Judah who successfully persuades Jacob to release Benjamin into his care. “And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones. I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever” (Genesis 43:8–9). Jacob believes he has lost two sons, yet Judah successfully persuades him to surrender a third son. This is juxtaposed with Judah's own actions regarding his sons and Tamar in Gen 38. Back in Egypt, Joseph ensnares Benjamin in a plot. It is Judah’s heartfelt pleading (Genesis 44:18–34) that ultimately persuades Joseph to give up his ruse and reveal himself to his brothers. Judah has the longest monologue in the book of Genesis, thus his words are special. This is not the same Judah who used and abused other people in the past. He is a different, more noble man, because he recognized the gravity of his sins and repented. Where before, Judah was willing to sell and buy other people, here we see Judah is willing to put forward himself as the price or “surety” (another word that shows up here and Gen 38) for another person. Not only does he say he is willing to do so, but when Joseph ensnares Benjamin in the scheme, Judah demonstrates his complete willingness to become Joseph’s slave (Genesis 44:33). This is what finally makes Joseph break down and reveal himself. And they all live happily ever after.
As a side note, this whole narrative is etiological in that it explains how the tribes of Judah and Ephraim (Joseph) become the tribes that rule over the kingdoms of Israel, and why Ruben loses out on the leadership role. So even from an exegetical perspective, the Bible recognizes that Judah’s change in character is the reason why the kings come from him. Joseph is the ideal: never sin, always run from sin. Judah on the other hand is the real. We do sin. It is not ok to sin, because sin separates us from God. But if and when we sin, things can be made good and right. The power of Christ’s atonement reaches even sinners. This is clear from ancient and modern prophets. This is why I think us saints can all appreciate Judah, and that we need to see him as the hero of the story. In different ways we are all Judah. And if people who suffer from sexual sins (and any sin really) recognize that the scriptures depict Judah in all his wickedness rising with grace, I think that can be inspiring. It is especially the sexual nature of Judah’s sin with Tamar that is most applicable for the purposes of the subject of Alma 39. Even if people sin, the world is not permanently ruined, the power of Christ's atonement is still in effect if those people will use it, because it is truly infinite. There are of course consequences, but things can still be made right. That is the reality of things. We can hold to ideals, and we should. At the same time, we must recognize the reality of this fallen world: We are all sinners and come short of the glory of God, and yet no matter what our sins are and despite all, we do it is through the grace of Jesus that we are saved.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
Faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Scholar, Chaplain, Marine and Soldier. I love Star Wars and Mormonism, as well as scriptural exegesis and theology.
[1] Francis Brown, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peapody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 1997), 647–48.[2] Harold W. Attridge et. al., The Harper Collins Study Bible (Sacramento: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006), 62.[3] The Law of Moses codifies this in Deuteronomy 25:5–10.
Oral Sex
Exploring the Appropriateness of Oral Sex in Marital Intimacy: A Comprehensive Analysis of LDS Church Teachings
Exploring the LDS Church's stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the cultural and moral inconsistencies that arise
[Editors Note, March 2021: This blog post refers to content that could be found in the LDS Handbook 2. Since this blog was published, that Handbook has now been marked as “obsolete,” and the Church’s website will redirect you to its current handbook. Please keep in mind that some of the quotes/phrases debated in this blog post no longer exist in updated church literature.]
Introduction
The appropriateness of oral sex within a marital relationship has been a topic of great debate for years. This discussion has led to confusion and misinterpretation of various teachings, creating moral and spiritual inconsistency within our culture. This article aims to provide a comprehensive analysis of the LDS Church's stance on intimate behaviors within marriage and the resulting inconsistencies that arise from the debate. By dissecting the official LDS Handbook 2, exploring cultural confusion, and examining the implications of past teachings, we aim to shed light on the question: Is oral sex an appropriate sexual behavior, or is it an "unnatural" and "unholy" sexual practice?
LDS Handbook 2 on Sexual Behavior in Marriage
The official LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church provides limited guidance on sexual behavior in marriage, stating the following:
"Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife." (21.4.4 Birth Control) [1]
"The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline." (21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity) [2]
These two quotes provide general guidance but do not offer explicit instruction on specific behaviors within marriage. The debate on the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage arises from the phrase "...and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful."
Cultural Confusion and Subjectivity
The phrase mentioned above has led to differing interpretations and confusion among church members. In their book "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality," authors Thomas G. Harrison, Kristin B. Hodson, and Alisha Worthington address this cultural confusion:
"There is a quote from a handbook produced by the LDS Church that advises people to guard against anything "unnatural" within the bonds of their sexual relationship. This is where semantics come into play. What exactly does "unnatural" mean? Is it "unnatural to stick your tongue in your spouse's ear because the ear isn't a "natural" place for a tongue to go? Some people interpret "unnatural" to mean anything other than the traditional missionary sexual position, while others have a much broader definition of the word. Who is right?" (Real Intimacy, pg. 98) [3]
The subjectivity of the term "unnatural" has led to a variety of opinions, some even claiming that sex for any purpose other than procreation is unnatural and an abuse of sacred power. Others argue that oral sex, specifically, is an "unholy, unnatural, or impure practice," often citing President Kimball's January 5, 1982, letter to leadership: "...The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an 'unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.'" [4]
Contextual Issues with Quoting President Kimball's Letter
There are at least three significant issues with quoting President Kimball's letter out of context.
First, the quote often omits the following sentence: "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it." [5] This sentence highlights the importance of individual conscience, but it also raises additional questions regarding the influence of family, culture, taboo, and traditions on feelings of being "troubled" by specific behaviors.
Second, the January 5, 1982 letter was specifically addressed to the interviewing leadership of the Church. The First Presidency emphasized the importance of saving souls and provided guidance on conducting worthiness interviews. In the context of discussing "no unclean thing" entering the temple, they list several potential "unclean" practices, including oral sex. However, it can be interpreted that the context implies oral sex as an abuse of power within a marriage. Thus, oral sex, when engaged in mutually and without coercion, is between the couple and the Lord and is not inherently abusive or unnatural. [6]
Third, nine months after the January 5, 1982 letter, the First Presidency issued another letter on October 15, 1982, responding to numerous complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews. They reminded leaders to follow the "temple recommend book" precisely and not to inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations. Leaders were also instructed not to pursue questions about the propriety of specific conduct if asked by a member. [7]
Despite these clarifications, some members continue to cite the January 5, 1982 letter as evidence that oral sex is an "unnatural, impure, or unholy practice." They often argue that a Prophet's words are as good as a command, citing Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 ("Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you"). [8] This selective interpretation creates a paradox in which church members demand clarity in all things while also proclaiming that "it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant" (D&C 58:26). [9]
Moral and Spiritual Inconsistency
The insistence that oral sex (or other sexual behaviors) is an "unnatural, impure, or unholy practice" reveals a moral and spiritual inconsistency in our culture. Those who argue against oral sex often simultaneously argue that birth control is between the couple and the Lord. However, there have been more statements specifically declaring the "evil" and "selfishness" of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors. [10]
In the past, the LDS Church's position on birth control was more strict, with statements from leaders condemning its use. However, over time, this stance has softened, and the current church teachings allow couples to decide for themselves the appropriateness of using birth control. [11]
Conclusion
The debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage highlights the importance of understanding the context and intent of church teachings. When examining the official LDS Handbook 2, we can see that there is limited guidance on specific sexual behaviors within marriage. The subjectivity of the term "unnatural" has contributed to confusion and varying interpretations among church members.
It is crucial to remember that past teachings must be understood in their proper context, as seen with President Kimball 's January 5, 1982 letter. Failing to consider the context and intent of the letter can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The First Presidency's October 15, 1982 letter further emphasizes the importance of respecting the privacy of marital relations and not delving into personal, intimate matters.
The paradox of seeking clarity in all things while asserting that God should not command in all things can create confusion and inconsistency within the church. As church members, it is essential to acknowledge that individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord should guide marital sexual behavior.
Furthermore, the inconsistency in the cultural perspective on oral sex and birth control illustrates the need for a more comprehensive understanding of the evolution of church teachings. Recognizing the changes in the church's stance on birth control can help provide a more balanced approach to understanding the guidelines around sexual behavior in marriage.
In conclusion, the question of whether oral sex is appropriate sexual behavior within marriage should be approached with understanding, respect, and consideration of the context of church teachings. It is essential to remember that marital sexual behavior is a deeply personal and private matter, and it should be guided by individual conscience and the relationship between the couple and the Lord. Ultimately, open communication, mutual respect, and a shared commitment to nurturing emotional and spiritual bonds can help couples navigate the complexities of sexual intimacy within marriage.
References:
[1] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.4 Birth Control
Previous handbook: "Married couples should also understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a way of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife." 21.4.4 Birth Control
New Handbook: Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife (see 2.1.2). 38.6.4 Birth Control
[2] LDS Handbook 2: Administering the Church, 21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity
Previous handbook: "The Lord’s law of chastity is abstinence from sexual relations outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife. Adultery, fornication, homosexual or lesbian relations, and every other unholy, unnatural, or impure practice are sinful. Members who violate the Lord’s law of chastity or who influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline." 21.4.5 Chastity and Fidelity
New Handbook: [Removes the language of ‘unholy, unnatural…’] “Physical intimacy between husband and wife is intended to be beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife.” 38.6.5 Chastity and Fidelity
[3] "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality" by Thomas G. Harrison, Kristin B. Hodson, Alisha Worthington pg 98
[4] "The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an 'unnatural, impure, or unholy practice.'"
[5] "If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."
[6] January 5, 1982 letter, context, and interpretation
[7] October 15, 1982 letter, responding to complaints about the intrusiveness of worthiness interviews
[8] Doctrine & Covenants 21:4 ("Thou shalt give heed unto all his words and commandments which he shall give unto you")
[9] Doctrine & Covenants 58:26 ("it is not meet that [God] should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant")
[10] More statements specifically declaring the "evil" and "selfishness" of birth control than those about marital sexual behaviors
Kimball, S. W. (1969). "The Role of Marriage in America," Ensign, September 1976.
McConkie, B. R. (1966). "Birth Control: Is It Up to Man?" Ensign, August 1971.
Benson, E. T. (1972). "To the Mothers in Zion," Ensign, May 1987.
Smith, J. F. (1907). "Marriage and Birth Control," Juvenile Instructor, vol. 42, pp. 40-41.
Clark, J. R. (1969). "God's Free Children," Ensign, November 1987.
These sources contain quotes from various LDS leaders in which they explicitly express their opposition to birth control and describe it as "evil" or "selfish." However, it is worth noting that these quotes are not the only statements made by LDS leaders on the topic of birth control, and that there is a range of opinions within the church on this issue.
[11] Evolution of the LDS Church's position on birth control
Hardy, B. (2018). “Birth Control,” in The Mormon Church and Birth Control: A History. University of Illinois Press.
Flake, K. (2004). The Politics of American Religious Identity: The Seating of Senator Reed Smoot, Mormon Apostle. UNC Press Books.
Quinn, D. M. (1997). The Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power. Signature Books.
Staker, M. A. (2017). “The Birth Control Controversy,” in Hearken, O Ye People: The Historical Setting of Joseph Smith’s Ohio Revelations. Greg Kofford Books.
Walch, T. (2019). Church Historian’s Press Announces Publication of “The Diaries of Emmeline B. Wells”. Church News.
Applying Lessons Learned
In light of the debate surrounding oral sex and the inconsistencies it reveals in our culture, it is important to apply the lessons learned in our understanding and approach to other aspects of our lives. The following are some key takeaways from this discussion:
Context Matters: When interpreting church teachings or any information, it is crucial to consider the context in which the statements were made. This helps to prevent misunderstandings and the perpetuation of misinformation.
Respect for Privacy: Personal and intimate matters, such as marital sexual behavior, should be treated with respect and privacy. Intrusive questions and discussions can cause unnecessary discomfort and may lead to the spread of false or outdated information.
Emphasize Individual Conscience and Spiritual Guidance: Recognize that individuals and couples have unique experiences and perspectives. Encourage reliance on personal conscience and spiritual guidance from the Lord to navigate the complexities of life, including decisions about sexual intimacy in marriage.
Foster Open Communication: Encourage open communication between couples, helping them to discuss their feelings, desires, and concerns about sexual intimacy. This can help to create a healthy foundation for their relationship and ensure mutual understanding and respect.
Be Mindful of Cultural Inconsistencies: Acknowledge the potential for cultural inconsistencies in our approach to various topics, such as oral sex and birth control. Seek to understand the evolution of church teachings and strive for a more balanced and informed perspective.
Adaptability and Growth: Recognize that church teachings and societal attitudes can change over time. Be open to adapting your understanding and approach to various issues as new information becomes available.
In conclusion, the debate surrounding the appropriateness of oral sex within marriage offers valuable insights into the importance of context, privacy, individual conscience, and open communication. By applying these lessons, church members can cultivate a more balanced, informed, and respectful approach to a wide range of topics and issues. In doing so, they can create an environment that fosters growth, understanding, and spiritual unity.
Additional Resources
LDS therapists often approach the topic of oral sex in the context of a healthy, consensual, and respectful marital relationship. They emphasize the importance of open communication, consent, and individual agency in making decisions about sexual intimacy within marriage. Here are a few quotes and citations from sex-positive LDS therapists:
Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, a licensed psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with LDS couples, has spoken about the importance of a healthy sexual relationship within marriage. In an interview with Rational Faiths, she said:
"I think people have to be thoughtful and prayerful about their sexual relationship and what feels good to them and what feels right to them. I think it's okay to be uncomfortable and to push your comfort zone some, but I also think it's okay to have your own sense of what feels right to you and to honor that." Link: https://www.finlayson-fife.com/podcasts/conversations-with-dr-jennifer/podcast/rational-faiths
Natasha Helfer, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, has addressed the topic of oral sex in the context of LDS marriages. In an article for the Mormon Mental Health Association, she wrote:
"Many couples report that oral sex is an important part of their sexual repertoire and helps increase not only pleasure, but emotional connection and intimacy. As long as both parties feel comfortable and consensual with any sexual activity, there should be no shame or guilt associated with it." Link: https://www.mormonmentalhealthassoc.org/_blog/mmha_blog/post/oral_sex/
Dr. Kristin Hodson, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, co-authored "Real Intimacy: A Couples' Guide to Healthy, Genuine Sexuality," a book for LDS couples seeking to build healthy and satisfying sexual relationships. In the book, Hodson and her co-authors discuss the subjectivity of the term "unnatural" in the context of sexual behaviors:
"What exactly does 'unnatural' mean? Is it 'unnatural' to stick your tongue in your spouse's ear because the ear isn't a 'natural' place for a tongue to go? Some people interpret 'unnatural' to mean anything other than the traditional missionary sexual position, while others have a much broader definition of the word. Who is right?" Link: https://www.amazon.com/Real-Intimacy-Couples-Healthy-Genuine-ebook/dp/B007C8NRC6
Laura M. Brotherson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, and author of "And They Were Not Ashamed: Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment," has discussed a variety of topics related to sexuality and marriage from an LDS perspective. In her book, she encourages couples to openly communicate about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection:
"Mutual understanding and agreement about sexual practices within marriage is essential for a couple's physical and emotional intimacy. This includes discussing and agreeing upon personal preferences and boundaries regarding any aspect of sexual expression, including oral sex." Link: https://www.amazon.com/They-Were-Not-Ashamed-Strengthening/dp/1587830347
Julie de Azevedo Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and owner of Wasatch Family Therapy, has shared her insights on sexual intimacy within marriage from an LDS perspective. In an interview with KSL, she emphasized the importance of communication, consent, and individual agency:
"Every couple needs to decide what they feel comfortable with in their intimate relationship. Couples need to communicate openly about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection. This may include discussing preferences and comfort levels regarding oral sex." Link: https://www.ksl.com/article/46430115/ask-an-expert-how-to-talk-to-your-spouse-about-sex
While these LDS therapists may not specifically mention oral sex in their public interviews or writings, their approach to sexual relationships within marriage encourages couples to communicate openly about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels to foster a healthy, satisfying, and intimate connection, which can include discussing preferences and comfort levels regarding oral sex.
——————————————————————————-
Learn More by Joining our Facebook Group: "Improving Intimacy in LDS Relationships"