WHO CAN JOIN THE IMPROVING INTIMACY IN LATTER-DAY SAINT RELATIONSHIPS (IILDSR) FACEBOOK GROUP?

Anyone over 18 years old. While IILDSR was created to support those within the LDS culture and faith, we welcome anyone who finds value in the content this group offers. The concepts we encourage apply across cultures, gender, and faith.

What if I don’t believe in or agree with the LDS church or its teachings?

You are still welcome to join. We ask for everyone’s communication to be supportive and respectful. It’s our philosophy that we can and should be inclusive and find opportunities to learn and support each other, regardless of who you are, beliefs, identity, etc. We understand that not every post or conversation will be ideal for you to participate in. Therefore, we encourage you to either find a way to embrace the good or to pass on that particular post.

Is IILDSR a religious group?

  • IILDSR in no way represents the LDS Church's official views, doctrine, policies, or teachings.
  • IILDSR is an independently run group supporting individuals in the context of the LDS faith and culture.

I’ve heard IILDSR promotes pornography, is that true?

No. Neither IILDSR nor its creator promotes pornography. Two reasons why some might have interpreted IILDSR as promoting pornography:

  1. Confusion and a lack of clarity with how others define pornography.

Rarely do two people use the word “porn” with the same meaning. What some consider sensual, others consider porn. What some consider appropriate media, others consider porn. The word porn or pornography is a vague, inconsistent, and broadly used term that means something different to everyone. While some might conclude this confusion over the definition of porn is splitting hairs, it is not minor in the least and has caused significant issues in marriages, court rulings, religious worthiness interviews, mental health, and science. See: A New Taxonomy: Scientific Misuse of the Term "Pornography"

  1. IILDSR encourages ALL questions and conversations around sexual health and sexual desires.

The mission of the IILDSR group and its creator is to provide a safe forum to ask and explore any questions, curiosities, concerns, etc. Some have interpreted IILDSR allowing questions about pornography as "condoning" pornography. This would be a misrepresentation of the mission of the group and its creator. IILDSR and its creator encourage and provide this medium as a forum to model, learn, and engage in healthy communication around ALL taboo and difficult topics. Therefore, the group does encourage ANY topic, question, or curiosity—even around pornography. On occasion, some group members may ask about pornography or other uncomfortable topics. If you are experiencing discomfort, but want to engage in the topic, we encourage an ACT-based approach to respond to these types of posts.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is mindfulness, acceptance, and values-based psychotherapy, grounded in the cognitive-behavioral tradition. As a form of behavior therapy, ACT postulates that behavior is regulated by its consequences, which influence the probability of (re)occurrence of certain behavior.

Its goals are to develop effective actions in valued directions and to create a rich, full and meaningful life while accepting the pain that inevitably goes with it. Thus, the ACT acronym emerges:

A – Accept your thoughts and feelings, and be present

C – Choose a valued direction

T – Take action

IILDSR also encourages a fact-based and scientific discussion around pornography in addition to religious or spiritual insights.

As stated by LDS scientist and psychologist Dr. Camron Staley in his Tedtalk, we focus more on changing the narrative from a fear-based discussion to a value-centered discussion.

Here is another example of how to reframe the pornography discussion, especially with kids: The Naked People In Your iPod

I’ve heard IILDSR and its creator promote masturbation, is that true

Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of development.

The role of masturbation in healthy sexual development can promote improved intimacy and help other issues.

Doesn’t the LDS Church teach against masturbation?

IILDSR and its creator's purpose is not to refute prior or current LDS leaders or Church teachings. Rather, we desire to provide guidance and expert resources as professionals trained in these topics. The approach and guidance we provide fall within the counsel of LDS Apostle Elder M. Russell Ballard;

“My calling and life experiences allow me to respond to certain types of questions,” [Ballard] said. “There are other types of questions that require an expert in a specific subject matter. That is exactly what I do when I need an answer to such questions. I seek help from others, including those with degrees and expertise in such fields.”

Elder Ballard continues, by expressing his concern that LDS expect too much from the church leaders and not seek the Lords guidance;

“... members expect too much from Church leaders and teachings—expecting them to be experts in subjects well beyond their duties and responsibilities,” Elder Ballard reminded listeners of his role as an Apostle—to invite others to come unto Christ.

“If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you,” he said. “There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions. —Elder Ballard Tackles Tough Topics and Gives Timely Advice to Young Adults

IILDSR and its creator hope that you will follow the counsel of our leaders by thoughtfully engaging experts and making it a matter of prayer and personal choice.

Resources on the LDS Church’s history and teachings around masturbation;

What about all the science that supports sex/porn addiction?

The topic of sex/porn addiction and its validity is a complex topic, which is too often overly-simplified and forced into being an absolute - such as being an addiction or not.

“Addiction” is an overused term that has morphed into a general description of any impulsive behavior. But “addiction” has a very specific meaning in science and mental health. As a result, the general use of the term has caused much confusion. However, the confusion is not an issue of semantics alone. If it were semantics alone, this would not be a cause of concern. Rather, the issue is in applying effective methods and solutions; it goes to the core of accurately identifying the problem and the treatment.

For example, imagine going to the doctor and saying you have cancer, and the doctor immediately starts chemo and other invasive forms of cancer treatment. This treatment goes on for days, months, and years, only to discover you don’t have cancer at all. Some will exclaim, it's because you’re cured! Others will say the cancer is still there because you still feel sick. You go another round of chemo and invasive treatment. Some will say, well cancer is so dangerous that whether you had cancer or not, what could the chemo hurt? You might be thinking there is a malpractice case developing here since the doctor only relied on a personal report, failing in his duty to do his own diagnostics and assessments. You’d be right.

However, this is at the core of the problem with sex/porn addiction treatment. There is no robust standard for assessment. The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST), which is almost entirely subjective and moralistic (“moral incongruence”) and relies almost entirely on personal assessment and reports. Not an empirical assessment.

Why is a moral incongruence bad? It’s important to consider our core values, including our religious values/faith, and commitments/covenants while assessing sex/porn addiction. However, if the assessment is done through the lens of morality, that individual will most likely self-assess more severely.

For example, if one perceives viewing porn with eternal consequences (a form of betrayal and adultery), that individual will most likely assess more severely than someone who does not view their porn use in the terms of morality. Ergo, the same treatment is given for an individual who viewed an Instagram model on occasion versus an individual presenting with frequent, out-of-control, prolonged exposure and engaging in illegal and risk-taking behavior.

Research on the moral perception of sex/porn and its impact on perceived behaviors are well documented:

Furthermore, the addiction model is essentially a one-size-fits-all approach, with variations depending on the treatment center. More effective treatment centers and approaches include assessment for comorbid diagnoses, but the treatment is usually the same.

Some may say, you can’t compare chemo with addiction treatment. There are definitely differences when a literal comparison is made. Addiction treatment isn’t pumping harmful chemicals into your body to eradicate a disease. However, the analogy made is an accurate description of what happens to many emotionally in addiction treatment. To put it bluntly, it’s geared to “kill” (or some would say ‘heal’), a part of the person they perceive as diseased. This is often manifested in unhealthy sexual health and intimate connection, often resulting in escalated behavior in the long term.

I’ve heard IILDSR and its creator doesn’t ‘believe’ in sex/Porn addiction, is that true?

The mission of IILDSR and its creator is to provide the best, most current resources. The best and most current research on sex/porn addiction does not support the addiction model of treatment. “Belief” in sex/Porn addiction is neither a useful or accurate term. IILDSR and its creator seek to embrace the MOST effective solutions, rather than making statements of absolutes. The addiction model has been well studied and has been shown to have a success rate between 5-10%, which is less than doing nothing at all for treatment.

In one of the most comprehensive analyses of various alcohol abuse treatments, AA ranked 37th out of 48 treatment methods. It was well behind the most effective methods, which were brief interventions, motivational enhancement, and GABA agonist medication, but also well behind even such minimal interventions as case management (12th), acupuncture (17th), exercise (20th), and the no-intervention-at-all method, simply labeled self-monitoring (30th). —Saving Psychotherapy: How Therapists Can Bring the Talking Cure Back from the Brink by Benjamin E. Caldwell

If you are one of the 5-10% success rates, wonderful! The desire for IILDSR and its creator is to promote alternative, more successful approaches and in doing so should in no way discount the 5-10%. (Also, see; “The Sober Truth" and “Sex Addiction a Critical History”) Rather it’s a profound desire to find a way for MORE people to experience the success of those few in addiction treatment. Therefore, IILDSR and its creator tend to not promote the LDS Church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), or other addiction-based models of treatment, especially when there are more effective approaches such as ACT-based treatment. Additionally, both “the science” and the “LDS Church” agree in discouraging the use of the addiction language and approach.

The Science: The most current and comprehensive scientific review of sex/porn addiction: Sexual addiction 25 years on: A systematic and methodological review of empirical literature and an agenda for future research

The LDS Church: What LDS Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said about porn “addiction” which is also in line with the scientific research:

In earlier times and circumstances, our counsel about pornography focused principally on helping individuals to avoid initial exposure or to recover from addiction. While those efforts are still important, past experience and current circumstances have shown the need for counsel addressed to levels of pornography use between the polar extremes of avoidance and addiction. It is helpful to focus on four different levels of involvement with pornography: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction).

…

Once we recognize these different levels, we also recognize that not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted. That is a very important distinction to make—not just for the parents, spouses, and leaders who desire to help but also for those who struggle with this problem. Here is why.

First, the deeper the level of involvement one engages in—from inadvertent exposure, to occasional or repeated intentional use, to intensive use, to compulsive (addictive) use—the more difficult it is to recover. If behavior is incorrectly classified as an addiction, the user may think he or she has lost agency and the capacity to overcome the problem. This can weaken resolve to recover and repent. On the other hand, having a clearer understanding of the depth of a problem—that it may not be as ingrained or extreme as feared—can give hope and an increased capacity to exercise agency to discontinue and repent.

Second, as with any sinful behavior, willful use of pornography drives away the Holy Ghost. Some who have experienced this will feel prompted to repent. Others, however, may feel embarrassed and seek to hide their guilt through deceit. They may also begin to feel shame, which can lead to self-loathing. If this happens, users may begin to believe one of Satan’s greatest lies: that what they have done or continue to do makes them a bad person, unworthy of the Savior’s grace and incapable of repentance. That is simply not true. We are never too far out of reach from the Savior and His Atonement. — Recovering from the Trap of Pornography

Why do so many organization's and therapists use the addiction model for treatment of sex/porn?

This is an excellent question to ask the organizations and therapists working under the concept of sex/porn addiction. The organizations and therapists interviewed truly believe that what they are providing is a meaningful solution. However, these interviews have a pattern;

  1. The addiction model is what they are familiar with and trained in.
  2. The addiction model has a clear outline and structure, around which treatment is easy to outline.
  3. The addiction model is what the client is most familiar with and usually isn't aware of alternatives.
  4. The addiction model places the entire burden on the “addict.” Success, therefore, is determined by the individual.
  5. Measurement of success is often measured by those who it works for; those for whom it doesn't work are considered out of the program and not included in the success rate.
  6. Many health workers who treat using the addiction model are NOT doing so under their license. Or are NOT licensed therapists. Frequently they are referred to as “coaches.”
  7. There is little to no regulation around who can offer addiction treatment.

Client interviews:

  1. These addiction programs are often very expensive, easily $10,000-$50,000 or more. The exorbitant cost for these programs creates a type of “cognitive dissonance” which reinforces shame. In some cases, clients spend their life savings and continue to have issues, but struggle with the fear of allowing themselves and loved ones down after so much time and money spent.
  2. Fear of divorce, and a desire to not let loved ones down. Addiction treatment is the "go-to" solution to convince or demonstrate they are willing to do anything to “purge” themselves of the desire to view porn.
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