Why Most LDS Pornography Problems Are Really About Shame

When LDS individuals and couples come to therapy around pornography, they often expect to work on “the addiction.” What they find is something more complex — and more hopeful: the underlying issue is almost always shame. Not the pornography itself. The shame that surrounds it, drives it, and keeps people locked in cycles of compulsive use despite genuine desire to stop.

The Shame-Pornography Cycle

The mechanism looks like this: A person views pornography. They feel intense shame — often amplified by religious belief that this makes them fundamentally broken or spiritually unworthy. The shame itself becomes unbearable. Ironically, the relief from that unbearable shame often comes through viewing more pornography, which temporarily numbs the shame response. This creates a shame-use-shame cycle that has nothing to do with addiction and everything to do with emotional regulation.

This is why “white-knuckling” — willpower-based attempts to stop through sheer force — rarely works long-term. The shame-based approach actually fuels the very behavior it’s trying to stop. And this is why LDS pornography recovery programs that rely heavily on shame and accountability often produce short-term compliance but not lasting change.

What the Research Shows About Shame and Pornography

Research by Dr. Joshua Grubbs at Bowling Green State University found that “perceived addiction” to pornography — the feeling of being addicted — was far more predicted by moral incongruence (the belief that pornography is wrong) than by actual frequency of use. People who used pornography rarely but believed it was deeply sinful felt more “addicted” than people who used it frequently without religious guilt.

This finding is profound for LDS individuals and couples. It suggests that the distress around pornography in religious communities is substantially driven by the shame and moral framing — not by the biology of addiction. And it points toward a more effective treatment: working with the shame itself, rather than trying to suppress the behavior through willpower and guilt.

What Shame-Informed Pornography Treatment Looks Like

Effective shame-informed treatment for pornography concerns doesn’t ignore values or faith. Instead, it helps the person understand the emotional functions pornography is serving, process the shame directly (rather than being paralyzed by it), build genuine intimacy in their primary relationship, and develop a healthier relationship with their own sexuality. For many people, this approach produces sustainable change that years of willpower-based efforts could not.

It’s also worth noting that for many LDS couples, the more urgent work is helping the partner of the person using pornography. Discovering a spouse’s pornography use can be deeply destabilizing. The partner’s pain is real and deserves direct therapeutic attention — not to be minimized, but also not amplified by a “betrayal trauma” framework that can sometimes make healing harder.

Getting Help: Beyond the Shame Cycle

If pornography is causing problems in your life or relationship, you deserve support that addresses the actual drivers — not just the behavior. Working with a therapist who understands both LDS culture and the psychology of shame means you can get help that honors your values while actually creating lasting change.

Daniel Burgess, LMFT works with LDS individuals and couples in Utah on pornography concerns — using a shame-informed, sex-positive approach that actually addresses the underlying dynamics. Schedule a free consultation to learn how this approach is different.