Monogamy vs Polyamory: What Research Actually Shows (2025)
Does polyamory work? A critical analysis of the Deseret News op-ed claiming monogamy maximizes happiness. Examining relationship research, consensual non-monogamy studies, child welfare evidence, and methodological flaws in marriage research. Evidence-based review of what science actually shows about CNM.
The Monogamy vs. Polyamory Debate: What the Evidence Actually Shows
Meta Description: A critical analysis of the Deseret News op-ed on polyamory, examining what research actually reveals about monogamy, consensual non-monogamy, relationship satisfaction, and child welfare outcomes.
Focus Keywords: monogamy vs polyamory, consensual non-monogamy research, relationship satisfaction studies, polyamory evidence
CNM Research Visual Library
Evidence-based graphics from peer-reviewed studies
Research Papers & Data on Relationship Structures
Comprehensive meta-analysis examining monogamy and consensual non-monogamy
Key Findings
Research Quality
Relationship Satisfaction: Monogamous vs. CNM
Source: Anderson, J. R., et al. (2025). "Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth" - The Journal of Sex Research. Meta-analysis of 35 studies, N=24,489 participants.
Relationship Satisfaction
Sexual Satisfaction
Key Research Finding
After analyzing 35 studies with nearly 25,000 participants, researchers found no significant differences in relationship satisfaction or sexual satisfaction between monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.
"People in consensually non-monogamous relationships experience similar levels of satisfaction in their relationships and sex lives as those in monogamous ones."
Meta-Analysis Published in The Journal of Sex Research
"Evidence for benefits of monogamy relative to other relationship styles is lacking."
Conley et al. (2013)
Personality and Social Psychology Review
"There's no one-size-fits-all model for a good relationship."
Goetz et al. (2019)
Frontiers in Psychology
Research Context
- Largest meta-analysis to date on CNM vs. monogamous relationship satisfaction
- Findings held across LGBTQ+ and heterosexual samples
- Consistent across different CNM types (open, polyamorous, monogamish)
- Examined trust, commitment, intimacy, and overall satisfaction
- Published in top-tier peer-reviewed journal
Introduction: Examining the Claims About Polyamory
A recent opinion piece in the Deseret News by Maria Baer and Brad Wilcox argues that we should "push back against the glamorization of polyamory" because "monogamous marriage maximizes happiness, child safety and the common good." The authors cite research on marriage and happiness, reference historical polygamy, and invoke child welfare to make their case.
But does the evidence support these sweeping conclusions? Let's examine what relationship research actually shows—and what the authors conveniently left out.
What the Deseret News Got Right (With Major Caveats)
Marriage Correlates with Happiness—But Causation Remains Unclear
The Claim: Married people report higher life satisfaction on average.
The Reality: This finding appears robust across many studies, but the research has serious methodological limitations:
Selection Effects
Happier, healthier, more economically stable people are more likely to marry in the first place
The correlation may reflect who gets married, not what marriage does to you
Longitudinal studies show bidirectional effects—happiness predicts staying married AND staying married predicts happiness
Uncontrolled Confounds
Economic stability (married couples pool resources, have higher household income)
Social support networks (married people often have more robust connections)
Health insurance and benefits (marriage provides institutional advantages)
Selection for conscientiousness and emotional stability
The Missing Context Being in a bad marriage is associated with worse health and happiness than being single. The average effect obscures huge variation in individual experiences.
Bottom Line: Marriage correlates with happiness, but we cannot conclude marriage causes happiness without better controls for confounds.
Sexual Exclusivity Predicts Satisfaction—For People Who Already Value It
The Claim: People with only one lifetime sexual partner report the highest marital satisfaction, and "the happiness-maximizing number of sexual partners in the previous year is 1."
The Problems with This Research:
Massive Selection Bias
Who has only one lifetime sexual partner? People who:
Are highly religious (often evangelical Christians)
Married very young (often as virgins)
Have strong pre-existing values about sexual exclusivity
May come from communities with intense social pressure around purity
Values-Behavior Alignment Effect
These individuals report satisfaction because their behavior matches their deeply held values. This doesn't prove that people with different values would be happier with one partner.
Comparing satisfaction across groups with fundamentally different value systems is comparing apples to oranges.
The Research Is Outdated
The "happiness-maximizing number is 1" claim is based on a 2004 survey—over 20 years old. This predates most modern research on consensual non-monogamy, and social attitudes have shifted considerably.
Conflation of Different Scenarios
"Multiple partners in previous year" includes:
Serial monogamy (breakup, then new relationship)
Infidelity (violating relationship agreements)
Consensual non-monogamy (not violating agreements)
Single people dating casually
These have completely different psychological meanings and shouldn't be lumped together.
What This Actually Shows: When people's relationship behavior aligns with their values, they report satisfaction. This is true for both monogamous AND non-monogamous people, but the authors only present half the picture.
Traditional Polygyny Has Been Harmful—But This Doesn't Apply to Modern Polyamory
The Claim: Historical polygamous societies show worse outcomes across multiple indicators.
The Research: This is actually legitimate. Societies with institutionalized polygyny show:
More despotic governance
Less economic development
Reduced scientific advancement
Lower female agency
The Fatal Flaw: Applying this research to modern polyamory is completely inappropriate.
False Equivalence
Traditional polygyny:
Institutionalized male privilege
Forced or coerced arrangements
One man with property rights over multiple women
Patriarchal legal structure
Modern polyamory:
Consensual agreements
Egalitarian (often)
Negotiated boundaries
No ownership model
Often queer and feminist
These are fundamentally different phenomena with different power dynamics, mechanisms, and outcomes.
Analogy: Using polygyny research to critique polyamory is like using research on arranged child marriages to argue against modern egalitarian marriage. Both involve "marriage," but the comparison is absurd because the power dynamics and consent structures are completely different.
The authors even acknowledge this distinction ("today's American polyamory apologists aren't advocating a return to polygyny"), but then cite the polygyny research anyway. This is intellectually dishonest.
What the Deseret News Got Wrong (Everything Else)
Problem #1: Conflating Completely Different Relationship Structures
Throughout the article, the authors treat these as interchangeable:
Infidelity and cheating (breaking monogamous agreements)
Unhappy "open marriages" entered under duress
Modern consensual polyamory (chosen, negotiated agreements)
Traditional patriarchal polygyny
Serial monogamy (sequential exclusive relationships)
These are not the same thing. The mechanisms, power dynamics, and outcomes are completely different.
This conflation allows them to:
Use research on infidelity to critique consensual non-monogamy
Use research on patriarchal polygyny to critique egalitarian polyamory
Use one person's unhappy open marriage memoir to indict all polyamory
It's rhetorical sleight of hand.
Problem #2: Falsely Claiming Research on Polyamory "Doesn't Exist"
The Authors Write: "These advocates cannot use data to support their aspirations. Because it doesn't exist."
This is demonstrably false.
Research on consensual non-monogamy (CNM) has been growing rapidly over the past 15 years. Here's what peer-reviewed studies actually show:
Relationship Satisfaction Studies
Conley et al. (2017): Meta-analysis finding CNM and monogamous relationships show similar satisfaction levels
Rubel & Bogaert (2015): No significant differences in relationship quality between CNM and monogamous relationships when controlling for relationship length and commitment level
Balzarini et al. (2019): CNM relationships show comparable relationship quality to monogamous relationships
Psychological Well-Being Research
Moors et al. (2017): CNM individuals report similar psychological well-being to monogamous individuals when controlling for stigma
Moors et al. (2021): CNM individuals score similarly on attachment security, life satisfaction, and self-esteem
Key Findings Across Studies
Satisfaction in CNM relationships correlates with:
Agreement between partners
Communication quality
Low external stigma
Values-behavior alignment
Satisfaction in monogamous relationships correlates with similar factors plus sexual exclusivity matching values.
What the Research Does NOT Show: Polyamory is superior to monogamy, works for everyone, or should be universally adopted.
What It DOES Show: For people who genuinely prefer CNM and whose partners agree, relationship quality is comparable to monogamous relationships.
The authors ignore all of this research—not because it doesn't exist, but because it contradicts their narrative.
Problem #3: Misusing Causation and Ignoring Selection Effects
Every correlation the authors cite suffers from selection bias, but they present findings as if they prove causation.
Example: "Marital happiness is much higher for couples who embrace faithful, monogamous marriage"
The Selection Problem:
People who strongly value monogamy → choose monogamous relationships → feel satisfied when behavior matches values
People who don't value monogamy as highly → may choose monogamous relationships due to social pressure → feel less satisfied
What This Doesn't Prove:
It doesn't prove polyamorous people would be happier if they became monogamous
It proves that values-behavior consistency predicts satisfaction
Example: "Those who say sex outside marriage is always wrong report higher marital satisfaction"
The Selection Problem: People with strong moral convictions about sexual exclusivity marry partners with similar values and report satisfaction consistent with their moral identity.
This measures moral identity consistency, not whether monogamy objectively produces more happiness.
The Missing Comparison: What about people who believe "sex outside marriage can be acceptable" and are in consensual non-monogamous relationships? Do they report satisfaction?
The authors don't tell us, because it would undermine their argument.
Problem #4: Using One Unhappy Memoir to Indict All Polyamory
The authors cite Molly Roden Winter's memoir "More," described as depicting constant misery.
Why This Isn't Evidence:
N = 1
A single case study proves nothing about a relationship structure
Memoirs about misery sell; memoirs about contentment don't
Publishing bias means we hear about disasters, not stable success stories
Selection Bias This woman may have:
Been coerced into opening her marriage
Had pre-existing relationship problems
Suffered from depression or mental health issues
Poor communication skills
Values misalignment with polyamory
Asymmetric Standards There are countless memoirs about miserable monogamous marriages. Should we use those to argue monogamy inevitably leads to suffering? Of course not—we recognize individual marriages fail for many reasons.
Why include this anecdote? Because it's emotionally compelling and supports the predetermined narrative. But it's not evidence.
Problem #5: Grossly Misapplying Child Welfare Research
This is where the article becomes actively misleading and potentially harmful.
The Claim: "Polygamy and polyamory are a direct threat to kids, both emotionally and physically."
Evidence Cited:
Boys whose parents never marry or divorce are more likely to go to prison
Kids without married parents report feeling sad more often
Those with an "unrelated adult" in the home are at higher risk of abuse
Wrong Comparison Groups
The research cited compares:
Married two-parent households vs. single-parent households
Biological parents vs. mothers' transient boyfriends
These studies are NOT about:
Stable consensual polyamorous families with multiple committed adults
Planned multi-parent households with long-term commitment
Uncontrolled Confounds
Children in single-parent households fare worse on average, but why?
Economic stress (single-parent households have much lower income)
Parental mental health (depression, trauma often precede family breakdown)
Relationship instability (high-conflict divorce, domestic violence)
Lack of social support (isolated parent)
These confounds—not family structure per se—drive poor outcomes.
The "Unrelated Adult" Research Is Misapplied
The child abuse research on "unrelated adults" examines:
Serial cohabitation (mother's boyfriend after father leaves)
Transient partnerships (high turnover of male partners)
Stepfamilies following divorce
Risk factors include: lack of biological connection + male violence + relationship instability + poverty
This research CANNOT be applied to:
Stable polyamorous families with long-term commitments
Planned multi-adult households where all adults are committed caregivers
Families where additional adults increase supervision and resources
No Data on Polyamorous Families
The authors provide ZERO research on child outcomes in consensual polyamorous families. Why? Because the research doesn't exist yet.
What We Can Say:
Children benefit from:
Stability
Low conflict
Economic security
Involved caregivers
Safe environments
Children suffer from:
Instability
High conflict
Economic stress
Neglect/abuse
Chaotic households
What We Cannot Say: Children in stable polyamorous families will have worse outcomes than children in stable monogamous families, because we have no data.
The authors are fearmongering by applying research from completely different family contexts without any empirical justification.
Problem #6: Egregious Selective Citation
Let's compare what the authors cite versus what they ignore:
What They Cite:
Institute for Family Studies (conservative advocacy organization)
One 21-year-old study (2004) on sexual partners
Research on traditional polygyny (not relevant to modern polyamory)
One unhappy open marriage memoir
Child welfare research on single parents (not relevant to polyamorous families)
What They Completely Ignore:
15+ years of peer-reviewed research on consensual non-monogamy
Meta-analyses showing comparable satisfaction (Conley et al.)
Studies on psychological well-being in CNM (Moors et al.)
Research on values-behavior matching
Studies on how social stigma affects CNM relationships
Any longitudinal research on relationship stability in CNM
Institutional Conflicts of Interest
Brad Wilcox: Director of National Marriage Project, Institute for Family Studies (both conservative family advocacy organizations)
Deseret News: Owned by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (strong religious doctrine on marriage)
These affiliations are not prominently disclosed.
This is not neutral scientific synthesis. It's advocacy journalism masquerading as science.
What the Evidence Actually Shows (For Real This Time)
1. Most People Prefer and Thrive in Monogamous Relationships
This is well-supported. The majority of humans report preferring sexual and romantic exclusivity, and most report higher satisfaction in monogamous partnerships.
But: "Most" ≠ "all." Averages obscure individual differences.
2. Relationship Satisfaction Depends on Values-Behavior Alignment
The most consistent finding across relationship research:
People are happiest when their relationship structure matches their values.
✅ Monogamous people in monogamous relationships: High satisfaction
✅ CNM-oriented people in CNM relationships: Comparable satisfaction
❌ Monogamous people forced into CNM: Low satisfaction
❌ CNM-oriented people constrained to monogamy: Low satisfaction
This principle is well-established in psychology: Identity-behavior consistency predicts well-being across many domains (career, religion, sexuality, relationships).
3. Agreement Matters More Than Structure
Violating relationship agreements harms relationships, regardless of structure:
Cheating in monogamous relationships: Devastating
Breaking agreements in polyamorous relationships: Equally devastating
Maintaining agreements supports relationships, regardless of structure:
Monogamous couples honoring exclusivity: Strong relationships
Polyamorous people honoring negotiated agreements: Comparable relationship quality
The harm comes from betrayal and broken trust, not from specific sexual acts.
4. Research Quality Is Poor Across the Board
The research on ALL relationship structures has serious methodological limitations:
Monogamy Research Problems:
Selection effects (who gets/stays married?)
Confounds (income, health, social support)
Survivorship bias (comparing current marriages to all non-married)
Cross-sectional designs (can't prove causation)
WEIRD samples (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, Democratic)
CNM Research Problems:
Small samples (N = 50-200 typical)
Self-selected participants
Short follow-up periods (few longitudinal studies)
Stigma confound (hard to separate CNM effects from discrimination)
Lack of child outcome data
Bottom Line: We need better research on ALL relationship structures before making strong causal claims.
5. Child Welfare Depends on Stability, Not Structure (Probably)
The best evidence suggests children need:
Stability (low turnover of caregivers)
Low conflict (safe, nurturing environment)
Economic security
Involved, responsive caregivers (doesn't have to be two, doesn't have to be biological)
What harms children:
High-conflict relationships
Economic instability and poverty
Neglect and abuse
Caregiver mental illness or substance abuse
Frequent relationship turnover
What We Don't Know:
Outcomes for children in stable polyamorous families
Whether additional committed adults help or harm
Long-term effects into adulthood
We need longitudinal studies with better controls before making strong claims.
The Real Problem: Ideological Advocacy Dressed as Science
Here's what bothers me most about the Deseret News piece: It presents predetermined moral conclusions as if they're scientific findings.
The authors clearly believe monogamy is morally superior. That's fine—they're entitled to their values. Many people share those values, and monogamy works beautifully for most people.
But they don't argue honestly. Instead, they:
❌ Cherry-pick research supporting their position
❌ Ignore contradictory evidence (claim it doesn't exist)
❌ Conflate different phenomena (polygyny = polyamory)
❌ Misapply research (child abuse studies to polyamorous families)
❌ Use causal language for correlational findings
❌ Hide conflicts of interest
This undermines public trust in both science and journalism.
A More Honest Conversation About Relationship Values
We can advocate for our values without misrepresenting science. Here's what an intellectually honest version of this argument would look like:
"We believe monogamy is best for most people because..."
✅ Values argument: "Our religious/philosophical tradition teaches that exclusive commitment reflects the deepest form of love"
✅ Pragmatic argument: "Most people report preferring monogamy, and social infrastructure supports it"
✅ Child welfare argument: "We're concerned about normalizing relationship instability, which we know harms children"
✅ Honest about uncertainty: "We don't have good data on polyamorous families, but we're concerned about potential risks"
What This Honest Argument Would NOT Do
❌ Claim research on polyamory "doesn't exist" when it does
❌ Use polygyny research to critique consensual polyamory
❌ Apply child abuse research to stable polyamorous families without evidence
❌ Ignore research showing some people thrive in CNM
❌ Present values-based concerns as if they're scientific conclusions
What About the "Glamorization" Claim?
The authors claim polyamory is being "glamorized" and monogamy is under threat. Let's reality-check this:
Media Visibility of Polyamory
A few New York Times features
One Peacock reality show
Some podcasts and online communities
Media Visibility of Monogamy
Entire wedding industry ($72 billion annually)
Every romantic comedy ever made
Marriage plotlines in most TV shows
Valentine's Day, anniversary cards, couple's products everywhere
Legal benefits (1000+ federal rights for married couples)
Social infrastructure entirely built around couple norms
Stigma Experienced
Polyamorous people: Employment discrimination, housing discrimination, child custody losses, social ostracism
Monogamous people: Celebrated, supported, legally protected
Claiming polyamory is being "glamorized" while monogamy faces existential threat is absurd. It's like claiming veganism threatens the meat industry. Yes, there's increased visibility, but the traditional option still dominates by every measure.
What's actually happening: A tiny minority is exploring alternative relationship structures, and some media outlets are covering it. This doesn't threaten monogamy any more than vegetarians threaten omnivores.
Conclusion: Science Requires Intellectual Honesty
I'm not advocating for polyamory. Most people will be happier in monogamous relationships. That's fine.
But I am advocating for intellectual honesty.
When we:
Misrepresent research
Practice selective citation
Conflate different phenomena
Ignore contradictory evidence
Present values as science
We undermine:
Public trust in science
Quality of public discourse
Our own credibility
People's ability to make informed choices
What We Can Say With Confidence
✅ Most people prefer and thrive in monogamous relationships
✅ Some people prefer and thrive in consensual non-monogamous relationships
✅ Matching relationship structure to values and personality is key
✅ Agreement, communication, and stability matter more than specific structure
✅ We need better research on all relationship types before making strong causal claims
We can advocate for our values without lying about science.
Further Reading & References
Research on Consensual Non-Monogamy
Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2017). Investigation of consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 12(2), 205-232.
Critiques of Marriage Research Methodology
Cherlin, A. J. (2020). Degrees of change: An assessment of the deinstitutionalization of marriage thesis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 62-80.
Child Welfare Research Complexities
McLanahan, S., Tach, L., & Schneider, D. (2013). The causal effects of father absence. Annual Review of Sociology, 39, 399-427.
Relationship Quality and Values Alignment
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
Join the Conversation
What do you think? Have you seen other examples of research being misrepresented in relationship debates? How do we have honest conversations about values when science is uncertain?
Share your thoughts in the comments below.
Complete Reference List
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[43] Lamb, M. E. (2012). Mothers, fathers, families, and circumstances: Factors affecting children's adjustment. Applied Developmental Science, 16(2), 98-111.
[44] Amato, P. R., & Anthony, C. J. (2014). Estimating the effects of parental divorce and death with fixed effects models. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 370-386; Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2010). Marital Conflict and Children: An Emotional Security Perspective. Guilford Press.
[45] McLanahan, S., Tach, L., & Schneider, D. (2013). The causal effects of father absence. Annual Review of Sociology, 39, 399-427; Cherlin, A. J. (2020). Degrees of change: An assessment of the deinstitutionalization of marriage thesis. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 62-80.
[46] IBISWorld. (2024). Wedding services market size in the US. https://www.ibisworld.com/united-states/market-research-reports/wedding-services-industry/
[47] U.S. Government Accountability Office. (2004). Defense of Marriage Act: Update to prior report (GAO-04-353R). https://www.gao.gov/products/gao-04-353r
[48] Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., Rubin, J. D., & Conley, T. D. (2017). Stigma toward individuals engaged in consensual non-monogamy: Robust and worthy of additional research. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 17(1), 52-69; Robinson, M. (2013). Polyamory and monogamy as strategic identities. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(1), 21-38.
Reference Organization by Topic
Marriage and Happiness Research
References 2, 3, 4, 5, 6
Sexual Exclusivity and Satisfaction
References 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Consensual Non-Monogamy Research
References 13, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 34, 37, 42
Values and Well-Being
References 10, 24, 25, 38, 39
Historical Polygyny
References 14, 15, 16
Child Welfare and Family Structure
References 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 43, 44, 45
Relationship Agreement and Infidelity
References 40
Research Methodology and Bias
References 27, 41
Institutional Context
References 35, 36
Social Context and Stigma
References 46, 47, 48
Memoirs and Popular Writing
Reference 26
Published: May 21, 2025
Last Updated: October 23, 2025
Reading Time: 18 minutes
Category: Relationship Research, Science Communication
Tags: #monogamy #polyamory #relationship-research #consensual-non-monogamy #research-methodology #science-communication #relationship-science #marriage-research
From Silence and Shame to Agency and Wholeness: Illuminating Paths of Healing in Christ
From Silence and Shame to Agency and Wholeness: Healing in Christ | LDS Journey
From Silence and Shame to Agency and Wholeness: Healing in Christ | LDS Journey
The journeys of the human soul toward healing and wholeness are often intensely personal, marked by courage, vulnerability, and a persistent seeking for light amidst darkness. The experiences of "Anne" and "Chloe" (names changed for privacy), two women of deep faith, exemplify such profound quests.
Their narratives, chronicling struggles with pornography addiction, pervasive anxiety, and the complex interplay of spirituality and sexuality, are not merely accounts of overcoming specific challenges. Rather, they are luminous testaments to the power of reclaimed agency, the beautiful intricacies of personal revelation, and the boundless capacity of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to heal even the deepest wounds.
This article seeks to reveal the rich pattern of doctrinal understanding around their courageous paths, drawing from the richness of scripture and the wisdom of prophetic counsel to illuminate the divine principles that guided them from suffocating silence and shame toward a new dawn of self-acceptance, spiritual integration, and abiding peace in Him.
Their stories underscore that true healing, while anchored in eternal truths, often unfolds through personalized, revelation-guided steps, sometimes leading down less-traveled roads that ultimately bring individuals closer to God and their divine potential. The very act of exploring these narratives through a doctrinal lens speaks to a growing desire within faith communities to address such sensitive, deeply human struggles with greater openness, compassion, and a robust spiritual framework that validates and supports the diverse ways individuals find their way back to wholeness.
I. The Crushing Weight of Silence and Shame
In the quiet, often unseen corners of their lives, both Anne and Chloe carried burdens that felt immense and crushingly invisible, shaped significantly by the insidious effects of shame and the silence it breeds.
Anne's Struggle: Pornography Addiction and Isolation
Anne wrestled for a grueling decade with a secret reliance on pornography, a behavior that began in her late teens and evolved into a "corrosive cycle of shame and fleeting control." This struggle was not merely a behavioral issue; it manifested as a "cold knot in her stomach," a constant, unwelcome companion that tightened its grip whenever she contemplated her standing before God. Her deepest fear was that she was "irrevocably tarnishing her eternal potential."
This fear is a hallmark of shame, which, as Brené Brown defines it, is the "intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."¹ Unlike guilt, which is action-based ("I did a bad thing") and can lead to repentance, shame is character-based ("I am a bad person") and attacks one's inherent worth. Anne’s internal torment reflects this. The Church publication, the Ensign (now Liahona), also distinguishes between godly sorrow (guilt) and debilitating shame, noting that shame is often a tool of the adversary.²
Compounding her internal struggle was a profound sense of isolation. In her faith community, such issues were often whispered about as a "man's issue," leaving her feeling profoundly misunderstood when she sought guidance. This societal mischaracterization can significantly deepen the isolation for those who do not fit the perceived mold, denying them empathy and appropriate support. The counsel she received, however well-meaning, often felt like scriptural solace that "barely skimmed the surface of her inner turmoil," leaving the cold knot untouched.
Chloe's Burden: Anxiety, Perfectionism, and Suppressed Sexuality
Chloe, too, navigated her world with an "unseen weight." Hers was a constant companion of anxiety and a "pervasive perfectionism" that had shadowed her since youth. This made her "breath catch in her throat at the slightest perceived misstep," especially in areas she felt pertained to her spiritual "worthiness." Her inner life was a "tightly wound landscape of worry."
The concept of "spiritual worthiness," when viewed through the lens of perfectionism, can easily become distorted into a belief of inherent "unworthiness," obscuring the truth of one's eternal identity as a beloved child of God. Chloe’s anxiety was deeply intertwined with this distorted perception.
Furthermore, her sexuality, viewed through the lens of her upbringing and faith, was a "forbidden territory—a topic to be shelved, ignored, and locked away." The unspoken message she absorbed was one of "stark avoidance," breeding a sense of fragmentation and a "gnawing fear that a vital part of her divine nature was not just off-limits, but inherently dangerous to her spiritual well-being."
The Suffocating Power of Shame-Fueled Silence
For both women, the path ahead seemed shrouded in a "suffocating silence born of shame and societal expectation." Their deepest struggles unfolded in an "internal echo chamber where open conversation felt impossible, almost a transgression in itself." This silence is a direct consequence of shame, which, as Brené Brown notes, "leads you to want to shrink, hide, and disappear."³ Shame fuels silence, and silence, in turn, exacerbates shame by preventing individuals from seeking or receiving effective help, reinforcing feelings of isolation and the uniqueness of their struggle. This creates a debilitating feedback loop, muffling their true selves and their ability to access the understanding that leads to healing.
God's Unchanging Love: A Counter-Narrative to Shame
Yet, even in the depths of such feelings, the doctrine of God's love offers a profound counter-narrative. Our Heavenly Father "loves us profoundly and perfectly".⁴ This love is universal, extending to "the evil and on the good" (Matthew 5:45). As Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught, "Not one of us is a stranger to Them. We need not hesitate to call upon God, even when we feel unworthy. We can rely on the mercy and merits of Jesus Christ to be heard".⁴
This enduring, personal love stands in stark contrast to the conditional acceptance that shame whispers. While certain divine blessings are predicated on obedience (see D&C 130:20-21; 132:5), God's overarching love and desire for our return and healing remain constant, a truth that both Anne and Chloe would eventually come to experience more fully.
II. The Paradox of Outward Faith and Inner Turmoil
Anne's life was a study in paradox. She served diligently in her congregation, held leadership positions, and was a dedicated temple worker for five years. Her actions were a testament to her commitment to her covenants. She loved routine, meticulously journaling and reading scriptures daily, earnestly seeking the Spirit's guidance, and pleading for strength. Yet, beneath this surface of faithful engagement, the "insidious cycle" of pornography use continued. This juxtaposition of outward devotion and hidden struggle highlights a complex reality: sincere faith and diligent religious observance do not automatically insulate individuals from deep personal battles, nor do they always, on their own, resolve them.
The Cycle of Shame and Spiritual Distance
The cycle Anne experienced involved temporary, deceptive highs of feeling "free" from pornography, a fleeting warmth, followed by the inevitable, "soul-crushing crash" that left her feeling hollowed out and "distant from God, as if a veil had dropped between her and the divine comfort she so desperately craved." This feeling of separation, despite earnest spiritual efforts, is a painful consequence of unresolved sin and shame. It can temporarily obscure one's connection to divine comfort, leading to immense spiritual distress.
Each fall reinforced the suffocating shame, the debilitating feeling of being an "object acted upon by an irresistible force, rather than a sovereign agent, a daughter of God endowed with divine power to choose and to overcome." This feeling directly opposes the divine principle articulated by Lehi that God created "things to act and things to be acted upon," and that individuals are "to act for themselves and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26).⁵
The Hidden Costs of Maintaining a Facade
Chloe, meanwhile, had become adept at managing her anxiety externally. She was high-functioning and successful in her work, but the "internal cost was enormous, a silent erosion of her spirit." Her reflection, "It cost me a lot to go through a day...and to make sure that no one knew how I was feeling," speaks to the immense energy required to maintain a facade of normalcy while battling internal demons.
The diligent outward religious observance and high-functioning exteriors of both women, while reflecting sincere desires, may have inadvertently served as coping mechanisms that masked the depth of their inner turmoil or delayed their seeking more targeted, specialized help. While their service and efforts were valuable, they were not sufficient to heal the specific wounds they carried.
A significant, often unrecognized, contributor to Chloe's mental health struggles was the "profound disconnectedness from her own sexuality—a God-given aspect of her eternal identity, part of the divine feminine." The idea that this disconnect might be a hidden root of her anxiety and perfectionism "never crossed her mind." This suggests a potential causal link where suppressing or fearing a fundamental aspect of one's divine nature can lead to psychological fragmentation and distress. When asked if she had a healthy view of sexuality, her bewildered answer, "How should I know?" underscored the depth of this internal silence and avoidance.
Trials as Opportunities for Growth
The trials faced by Anne and Chloe, though different in nature, are encompassed by the understanding that "mortality is filled with frequent struggles, heartaches, and suffering".⁶ The Lord allows such trials, not to break us, but for our growth and refinement. As Elder Richard G. Scott taught, God "would not require [us] to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for [our] personal benefit or for that of those [we] love".⁷ e that even the most profound suffering can serve a divine purpose. Indeed, the scriptures promise that the Lord "shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain" (2 Nephi 2:2).⁸ This sacred principle suggests that even Anne's harrowing addiction and Chloe's pervasive anxiety, however painful, could ultimately yield spiritual growth, deeper empathy, and greater humility if navigated with faith and a turning towards the Savior.
III. Seeking Help, Finding Limits: The Quest for Deeper Healing
The journeys of Anne and Chloe were marked by persistent efforts to find relief and healing, yet they often encountered limitations in the support and counsel available, pushing them toward a quest for something more profound.
When Counsel Doesn't Reach the Root
Anne, in her decade-long struggle, "did reach out, again and again." She spoke to "numerous bishops over the years as she moved," driven by a hope for counsel that would "unlock her spiritual strength" against her trial with pornography and help her "access the Atonement's power more fully for this specific challenge."
While some leaders were supportive, the counsel often felt "superficial," exemplified by the well-meaning offer, "let me read you a verse from scripture." It is crucial to understand that Anne's frustration did not stem from a lack of faith or a devaluation of scripture; these were "integral, cherished parts of her life, her lifeline to Heavenly Father." Rather, the application of scripture, in these instances, was not reaching the "raw, bleeding root of this particular trial." The solutions offered left her feeling "unequipped, standing at the edge of a complex emotional and psychological labyrinth with no reliable map." Her heartfelt prayers for deliverance often ended in tears, feeling like pleas lost in an "unyielding void."
This experience of receiving counsel that, for deep-seated issues, remains at a surface level can be understood through communication theories, such as Dr. Douglas E. Brinley's levels of communication: superficial, personal, and validating.⁹ While superficial communication (informative, low-risk) has its place, it cannot foster deep connection or resolve complex problems. Anne needed counsel that engaged with the personal and validating depths of her trauma and addiction, something that the standard approaches were not providing. When help doesn't match the depth of the need, it can inadvertently reinforce an individual's sense of isolation and the feeling that their problem is uniquely intractable.
The Atonement: Healing for the "Impossible"
Chloe also sought professional help. Therapy and medication during her college years provided "a measure of relief," teaching her coping skills that made life "more manageable, less of a daily battle." However, a "deeper, more lasting healing, the kind that brought peace to her soul and a sense of alignment with her spiritual goals, remained elusive." She reached a plateau, a resigned acceptance that "this is as good as it's gonna get." Life, she concluded, would be an endless cycle of managing, punctuated by periods of increased stress and decline. The root issues, she felt with a heavy heart, remained stubbornly untouched, hindering her sense of spiritual progression and the joy she believed was her divine inheritance.
Elder Patrick Kearon's words offer a powerful counter to such resignation: "Jesus specializes in the seemingly impossible. He came here to make the impossible possible, the irredeemable redeemable, to heal the unhealable".¹⁰
The experiences of both women underscore the comprehensive nature of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. As Alma taught, the Savior would "go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people." He would also take upon Him "their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities" (Alma 7:11–12).⁶ This power to succor—to give relief or aid—extends beyond sin to encompass the "cold knot" of Anne's shame, her inner turmoil, Chloe's pervasive anxiety, and the despair that led them to feel their prayers were lost or that their situation was immutable.
Integrating Faith and Specialized Help
Their journeys also implicitly highlight the value of seeking specialized help that can work in harmony with faith principles. The persistence of Anne and Chloe, despite initial setbacks and the feeling of hitting plateaus, demonstrates an underlying resilience and an active role in their own healing process, even before their major turning points.
The Church itself recognizes the need for such support, offering resources like the Addiction Recovery Program and Family Services counseling, and acknowledging that "serious addictions may require professional counseling".¹¹ Indeed, "mental health and medical professionals can offer valuable insight and unique skills necessary for recovery".¹¹ True healing often involves an inspired integration of spiritual resources and professional, evidence-based interventions, a path both women would eventually embrace.
IV. Turning Points: Embracing Agency and the Whisperings of Personal Revelation
For both Anne and Chloe, a critical juncture arrived when the limitations of their existing approaches became undeniably clear, paving the way for profound shifts rooted in reclaimed agency and the gentle guidance of personal revelation.
Anne's Breakthrough: A Prayer for a New Path
Anne's turning point occurred on "one particularly difficult night." The familiar "cold dread" and "unbearable" weight of her secret pressed down. As she knelt in a "desperate, broken prayer," a state of profound humility and openness, something was different. She experienced a "sudden, stark clarity": her existing coping strategies, like calling a friend when tempted, were "merely distractions, temporary barricades against a relentless tide—ways to suppress the feelings rather than truly deal with them."
The thought, "This isn't working. It's never truly worked," echoed as a "painful but liberating truth." This moment of hitting rock bottom, of acknowledging the utter failure of her own efforts, became the fertile ground for a new kind of seeking. Her anguished plea, "Father, there must be another way, a way that aligns with true principles of healing, a way that honors my agency," was pivotal. This piercing insight, feeling like a "direct answer" to her prayer, propelled her to take a new, courageous step: she sought out a therapist specializing in such intimate and challenging issues, praying fervently for guidance.
Chloe's Awakening: A Seed of Curiosity
Chloe's catalyst was a "gentle but persistent challenge" from her own therapist, who encouraged her to set goals in all areas of her life, including, to her "initial surprise and profound discomfort," her sexual health. The idea felt "alien, a foreign concept utterly disconnected from her perceived needs and her understanding of gospel priorities." She recalled, "I rejected it...and put it aside as something that didn't really apply to me."
However, the therapist's refusal to accept her resigned outlook of "this is as good as it's gonna get" planted a "seed of curiosity, of possibility." His challenge made her reconsider. The thought, "Maybe you're wrong," concerning her own bleak assessment, opened a "sliver of light in a long-darkened room." This led to the once unthinkable question: "Could embracing this part of myself actually bring me closer to the wholeness God intends for me, to the joy spoken of in the scriptures?"
Agency and Personal Revelation: Keys to Healing
These turning points are profoundly illustrative of the eternal principle of agency. Agency is "the ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves," a principle "essential in the plan of salvation".¹² As Lehi taught, individuals are "free to choose liberty and eternal life...or to choose captivity and death" (2 Nephi 2:27)¹², and they are created "to act for themselves and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26).⁵ Anne’s prayer explicitly invoked her desire for a path that "honors my agency," signaling a move from being passively "acted upon" by her addiction to actively seeking a way to "act" for her own healing. Chloe's therapist challenged her passivity, prompting her to consider acting in an area she had long avoided. True agency is not merely freedom from constraint but freedom to act in accordance with divine principles and personal revelation to achieve growth and healing.
Guiding these shifts was the power of personal revelation—guidance from God through the Holy Ghost, tailored to individual needs. The Addiction Recovery Program teaches the key principle: "Seek through prayer and meditation to know the Lord's will and to have the power to carry it out" (Step 11).¹³ Elder Dale G. Renlund explained that personal revelation, received "within a framework," can "unleash astonishing insight, direction, and comfort".¹⁴ Anne's "piercing insight" was a direct manifestation of this, while Chloe's "seed of curiosity" was a more subtle, yet equally powerful, form of divine prompting. President Henry B. Eyring spoke of the "constantly renewed stream" of revelation necessary for life's important questions.¹⁵ God often uses a combination of internal spiritual promptings and external catalysts, such as a therapist's inspired challenge or a moment of stark self-realization, to nudge individuals toward paths of healing they might not have considered or felt capable of pursuing alone. As President Spencer W. Kimball taught, "God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs".⁷
V. Reclaiming Agency: Courageous Steps on Unconventional Paths
The turning points for Anne and Chloe propelled them onto paths of healing that were, at times, unconventional and deeply challenging to their existing beliefs, yet profoundly empowering as they began to reclaim their God-given agency.
Anne's Radical Step: Scheduling to Regain Control
Anne's therapeutic journey took an unexpected, even "radical" turn. When traditional methods yielded limited progress, her therapist proposed an idea from strategic therapy that initially sent a "shockwave" through her: schedule time to view pornography. Her immediate reaction was one of disbelief and revulsion: "Schedule it?... Plan to sin? The very idea feels like a betrayal of everything I believe."
However, the underlying principle was profound: regaining control by exercising her agency. By intentionally choosing the time and confronting the behavior head-on, rather than being ambushed by it, she could begin to transform from being an "object that was acted upon" to an "agent that acted." This directly aligns with Lehi’s seminal teaching that God’s children are "to act for themselves and not to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:26).⁵ After much prayer, described as a "desperate wrestle with God," and seeking personal revelation that came as a "quiet, unsettling prompting to trust this new path," she hesitantly tried it. This, combined with meticulously tracking her usage in minutes, began to subtly but significantly shift her sense of power. The cold knot in her stomach loosened as she felt a flicker of hope that she could, indeed, govern herself.
(Blog Author's Note: Anne's therapeutic path involving scheduled pornography use was a specific, therapist-guided intervention for a severe, long-standing addiction where other methods had failed. It is not presented as a general recommendation or Church-endorsed practice, but as part of her unique, prayerfully considered journey toward reclaiming agency and healing.)
Chloe's Journey: From a "No" to a Prayerful "Yes"
Chloe's path to agency was equally profound, though it began with a courageous "no." When her therapist first broached the idea of exploring masturbation as a way to understand herself, her reaction was one of "visceral fear," rooted in a deeply ingrained conviction that it was "wrong" and potentially jeopardizing her relationship with God and her temple worthiness.
Instead of passively accepting or rejecting, Chloe engaged in a deeply personal process of "deep thought, earnest prayer...extensive personal research...pleading for the Spirit's guidance to discern truth." Armed with the understanding she gained, she returned to her therapist and stated her decision: she would not try it. The unexpected result was that she "felt wonderful." A wave of potent relief washed over her. This, she realized, was "the first truly autonomous decision, guided by her own seeking and confirmed by a feeling of peace from the Spirit, she had ever made about her sexuality." The act of making a prayerfully considered, autonomous decision, especially in an area so fraught with fear and external messaging, was itself profoundly healing and anxiety-reducing. The empowerment came not from the specific choice itself in that moment, but from the process of choosing prayerfully and autonomously.
This newfound strength and clarity, born of exercising her agency, eventually led her, after more personal study and prayer, to revisit the idea and decide she did want to explore masturbation, not for mere release, but for a "deeper, more sacred understanding of her body and her God-given desires."
Agency, Revelation, and Repentance
Both women’s experiences powerfully illustrate the principle found in Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28: "men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves".¹⁶ Their unconventional steps were not acts of rebellion, but rather deeply prayerful, agency-driven efforts to find healing. They were learning to trust personal revelation even when it seemed counterintuitive or challenged long-held beliefs. Anne's "quiet, unsettling prompting" and Chloe's "feeling of peace from the Spirit" were vital spiritual confirmations guiding their specific, uncomfortable actions.¹³
These journeys also reframe repentance. For Anne, it was a new approach to overcoming sin, moving beyond mere cessation to a fundamental change in her relationship with herself and her agency. For Chloe, while not initially about sin in the same way, her journey involved recognizing an area of her life needing understanding and integration, taking responsibility for that understanding, and seeking God's help—principles deeply aligned with the process of becoming a "new creature" (Mosiah 27:26).¹⁷ Personal revelation for healing may indeed lead individuals down paths not widely understood, requiring immense courage from the individual and a need for trust and understanding from support systems, recognizing that God guides His children in highly personalized ways.
VI. Embracing the Whole Self: The Sacred Interplay of Sexuality and Spirituality
As Anne and Chloe reclaimed their agency, their healing journeys led them into the often-misunderstood territory of their own sexuality, where they discovered a sacred interplay between their physical and spiritual selves, crucial for achieving wholeness.
Anne: Finding God's Care in Intimacy
Anne had always considered masturbation "worse" than pornography, a more definitive failing. So, when her therapist suggested she explore it as a way to "reclaim her sexuality and separate it from the shame-ridden, distorted context of pornography," she was again bewildered. Yet, feeling she had exhausted other avenues and with a "fragile trust in the promptings she felt," she embarked on this path.
Initially awkward, as she allowed herself to explore her own desires without the "crushing weight of shame," something fundamentally changed. Her therapist's counsel to "involve the Lord in this process. Pray before and after you masturbate," though feeling "SO weird" and almost sacrilegious against years of conditioned shame, proved transformative. Anne discovered with "growing awe that God does care about our sexuality, about every facet of our being, and desires our joy." She had "spiritual experiences, moments of profound connection and self-acceptance during these explorations, where she felt the Spirit confirm the sacredness of her body and the rightness of her journey toward wholeness." This profound realization that God's care extends to the most intimate aspects of our being, and that inviting Him into these spaces can bring spiritual confirmation, is a testament to His encompassing love. Her poignant reflection, "I think I've found more who I am rather than who I was afraid I was," speaks volumes of her liberation from shame.
(Blog Author's Note: Anne's experience with prayerful, therapeutic masturbation was part of her specific, therapist-guided journey to overcome pornography's distortion of her sexuality and was undertaken with personal spiritual seeking. This is presented to show the principles of her healing journey—reclaiming agency, separating healthy sexuality from harmful patterns, and involving God—not as a general endorsement or practice outside such unique, guided contexts. The Church teaches that procreative powers are sacred and to be employed only between a man and a woman lawfully wedded, as outlined in "The Family: A Proclamation to the World." Readers seeking help should consult Church resources and, where appropriate, qualified professionals who respect their faith values.)
Chloe: Sexuality as a Sacred Part of Eternal Nature
Chloe, too, found that acknowledging and exploring her sexuality led to unexpected and profound spiritual and emotional growth. As she moved from mere thought to "dedicated study and prayer," she became increasingly certain that "sexuality and desire are God-given and an important part of being whole and complete," essential to her eternal nature.
This shift in perspective had outward ripples: a visceral discomfort with how popular media often used sex for "a cheap laugh," and her own sexuality, once a source of fear, started to feel "more sacred, more precious." This reframing of sexuality from a source of shame or fear to a sacred, God-given aspect of being was profoundly liberating. Her relationship with God became closer and more nuanced, her scripture study more relevant, her prayers more open. Remarkably, her symptoms of anxiety and depression began to noticeably decrease; the constant hum of anxiety quieted, replaced by moments of simple gratitude and lightness. She was "stopping fragmenting herself," allowing disowned parts to be integrated into her true self, leading to greater authenticity and deeper relationships.
Doctrinal Perspectives on Sacred Sexuality
These experiences resonate deeply with Latter-day Saint doctrine on the sacred nature of sexuality. "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" states, "All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny." It further declares that procreative powers are "sacred."¹⁸ Elder Dale G. Renlund and Sister Ruth Lybbert Renlund, in "The Divine Purposes of Sexual Intimacy" (Ensign, Aug. 2020), teach that "sexual relations [within marriage] are one of the ultimate expressions of our divine nature".¹⁹
The Church teaches that "God created us to be able to have sexual feelings. It's part of who we are" and that "Simply having appropriate sexual feelings isn't something to be ashamed of."²⁰ Overcoming shame associated with sexuality often involves understanding it better, recognizing the spirit/body connection, and rejecting fear. Chloe’s journey of "stopping fragmenting herself" speaks to the principle of spiritual and emotional health involving the integration of all God-given aspects of our being. A faith community's silence or negative messaging around sexuality can inadvertently foster shame and fragmentation. Conversely, teachings that emphasize its sacredness and God-given nature promote wholeness, as Anne and Chloe discovered.
VII. Discoveries and a New Dawn: Lasting Transformation and Renewed Spiritual Progression
The courageous, agency-focused, and often unconventional steps taken by Anne and Chloe, guided by personal revelation and supported by therapeutic wisdom, led to profound and lasting transformations, ushering in a new dawn of self-mastery, spiritual progression, and deeper joy.
Anne: From Compulsion to Christ-Centered Self-Mastery
For Anne, the "compulsive, desperate draw to pornography lessened dramatically," the once-deafening urges fading to whispers, eventually feeling "gone." This was not merely suppression but the development of a "quiet, steadfast sense of self-mastery." She came to understand her own sex drive not as an enemy to be fought into submission, but as an "integral part of her to be understood, respected, and governed with wisdom and divine help."
This transformation involved learning to turn to healthier coping mechanisms, sometimes including "mindful, prayerful masturbation," instead of pornography when faced with stress, boredom, or emotional pain. This shift from being "acted upon" by urges to proactively choosing a healthier response represents a more sustainable and empowering model of self-mastery. The suffocating shame that had defined so much of her past was replaced by a "breathable sense of self-acceptance" and renewed confidence in God's love. Consequently, she found herself able to attend the temple with a "lighter heart," feeling the Spirit more readily, her worship more joyful and less burdened. Anne's journey mirrors many principles of the Church's Addiction Recovery Program, such as admitting powerlessness over old methods (Step 1), coming to believe in a new power or path (Step 2), turning her will over to God to try new approaches (Step 3), and embracing ongoing daily accountability (Step 10).²¹
Chloe: Wholeness in Preparation for Eternal Marriage
Chloe's journey of self-acceptance and embodied understanding prepared her beautifully for eternal marriage. Around the time she was making these pivotal internal shifts, she met the man she would marry. Her newfound ability to communicate authentically, bringing her "whole self" to the relationship, fostered a foundation of trust and openness essential for a celestial partnership.
This inner work proved invaluable when, after marriage, she faced the distressing challenge of painful intercourse due to vaginismus. Because she had already begun the arduous but rewarding work of understanding her body and valuing her sexual well-being as a "sacred stewardship," she was able to communicate openly with her husband, seek medical help without succumbing to shame, and navigate physical therapy with "patience, resilience, and hope." She reflected with deep gratitude that without this prior healing, the challenge "would have been far more difficult, perhaps even insurmountable for our intimate life, a vital part of our eternal union." This underscores how addressing pre-marital sexual trauma, shame, or misunderstanding is crucial preparation for healthy marital intimacy, which Heavenly Father intends to be a source of love and connection.¹⁹
Finding Joy in Christ
The transformations of both women reflect President Russell M. Nelson's teaching: "When the focus of our lives is on Jesus Christ and His gospel, we can feel joy regardless of what is happening—or not happening—in our lives".²² Anne's "lighter heart" and Chloe's "lightness she hadn't felt in years" are manifestations of this Christ-centered joy. The Atonement not only brings forgiveness but also strength ⁶; Anne's self-mastery and Chloe's resilience are fruits of this enabling power.
The following table illustrates the shift in their approaches:
Table 1: Contrasting Approaches to Challenges
| Challenge Area | Old/Reactive Approach (Shame-Based, Acted Upon) | New/Proactive Approach (Agency-Based, Christ-Centered) |
|---|---|---|
| Anne & Pornography Urges | Hiding, intense shame, temporary distractions, feeling controlled by urges. | Openness (with therapist, God), scheduling/tracking to regain control, mindful prayerful self-touch, developing self-mastery. |
| Chloe & Sexuality | Avoidance, fear, silence, viewing it as forbidden, leading to fragmentation. | Prayerful study, autonomous decision-making, seeking understanding, integrating it as a sacred part of self. |
| Chloe & Anxiety | Internal suppression, perfectionism as a shield, fear of others' perceptions. | Authentic communication, self-acceptance, professional help integrated with faith, reduced need for perfection. |
This table visually encapsulates the transformative shift from reactive, shame-driven patterns to proactive, agency-based, and Christ-centered strategies, highlighting the practical application of the principles they discovered. Healing in one area of life clearly had positive, cascading effects on other areas, demonstrating the interconnectedness of our spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being.
VIII. Echoes of Freedom: Testimonies of Hope and Healing
The paths of Anne and Chloe, though unique in their specific contours, resonate with common, powerful refrains: the "raw courage required to confront deeply ingrained shame," the profoundly "liberating power of self-acceptance," and the "unexpected, beautiful ways in which spirituality and sexuality can intertwine to foster healing and genuine wholeness," ultimately bringing one closer to God. Their stories transcend the overcoming of specific issues like pornography use or debilitating anxiety; they narrate a "fundamental, life-altering shift" in their relationship with themselves, their bodies, their faith, and the Divine—a journey from fragmentation to integration, from silence to voice, and from spiritual stagnation to renewed progression on the covenant path.
Agency, Atonement, and True Self-Mastery
Central to their healing was the brave act of "reclaiming their own sacred agency, a gift central to the Plan of Salvation, empowering them to act for themselves rather than be acted upon".⁵ They learned that true self-mastery is not about suppression or a forced, brittle control, but about "compassionate understanding, radical acceptance, and the gentle, persistent work of integrating all parts of oneself, with the Savior's Atonement making healing and sanctification possible." Their experiences affirm that ours is "not a religion of rationalization nor a religion of perfectionism but a religion of redemption—redemption through Jesus Christ".⁴
Sharing Light, Breaking Communal Silences
The process of profound healing often creates a powerful desire and capacity to share one's story authentically. Anne now speaks of her journey with a "radiant openness," seeing it as a "breath of fresh air" for others still caught in similar struggles. She feels a call to share her light and her deepened testimony of a loving, merciful Heavenly Father. Chloe, too, "knows with a quiet certainty that her Heavenly Father doesn't want her to live in fear of her sexuality" and hopes to teach her own children differently, preparing them more fully to understand and appreciate this profound blessing.
Their hard-won wisdom has broken their personal silence and motivates them to help break communal silences. This aligns with the principle of ministering to others from one's own healed experiences, thereby bearing one another's burdens and comforting those in need of comfort (Mosiah 18:8-9). The personal story "Made in His Image," detailing a woman's recovery from sexual addiction and shame through the Atonement and ARP, is a powerful example of such shared testimony.²³ (See "Hope and Healing from Pornography and Other Sexual Addiction," Liahona, September 2019, ChurchofJesusChrist.org)
Redefining Spiritual Strength
Their journeys also redefine spiritual strength. It is not the absence of struggle or perfect adherence to perceived norms, but rather the courage to confront vulnerability, embrace agency, seek truth diligently even in uncomfortable places, and integrate all parts of the self in alignment with divine principles. Initially, both might have defined spiritual strength by outward devotion or perfectionistic striving. Their experiences reveal a different, more resilient and authentic form of spiritual strength: the strength to be honest about brokenness, to challenge old beliefs, to trust unsettling promptings, and to engage in difficult emotional and spiritual work.
A Call for Healing Communities
These narratives implicitly call for faith communities to be places of greater safety, understanding, and sophisticated support for individuals on complex healing journeys. They highlight that "less-traveled paths" are often divinely illuminated and essential for some members' progression. The initial counsel that "skimmed the surface" for Anne and the internal silence Chloe endured point to needs that require more than standard interactions. Their eventual healing through personalized, agency-based approaches, sometimes involving professional help, suggests that a truly healing community must be equipped to support diverse paths to wholeness, guided by both established doctrine and the vital principle of personal revelation.
Conclusion: The Abiding Power of Christ-Centered Healing
The deeply personal yet universally resonant experiences of Anne and Chloe offer profound insights into the nature of human struggle and the pathways to divine healing. Their journeys illuminate the intricate tapestry woven from courage, agency, personal revelation, and the all-encompassing Atonement of Jesus Christ. They testify that God's love is indeed "profound and perfect" ⁴, His mercy tender and available to all who seek Him, even from perceived depths of unworthiness.⁴ He truly desires His children to find "joy to the world" ²², a joy that transcends circumstance and is rooted in a relationship with Him.
A powerful synergy emerges from their stories: when individuals courageously exercise their God-given agency ¹⁶, guided by personal revelation ¹³, to confront shame ¹ and seek a more complete understanding of their divine nature—including sacred aspects like sexuality ¹⁸—the redemptive and strengthening power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ ⁶ becomes more fully accessible. This synergy leads to profound healing, authentic self-acceptance, and a more vibrant, integrated relationship with God.
These narratives also broaden the understanding of the "covenant path." It is a path that not only encompasses ordinances, commandments, and service but also the challenging, often messy, internal work of healing from trauma, addiction, and deep-seated shame. This internal work of integrating all aspects of one's divine nature, guided by faith and agency, is not a detour from the path but an essential part of walking it towards greater wholeness and godliness.
The hope demonstrated and ultimately realized by Anne and Chloe is not a passive wish but an active, dynamic virtue—born of courageous seeking, trusting in God's willingness to reveal "another way," and believing in the transformative possibility of becoming a "new creature" through Christ. Their broken silence, replaced by voices of hope and hard-won wisdom, stands as a luminous testament to the healing power available to all who earnestly seek it, affirming that the journey toward becoming whole is a sacred pilgrimage, lovingly guided by a Father who desires all His children to find peace.
References/Footnotes:
¹ Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Avery Publishing. (This provides a common definition of shame. Adapt citation style as needed for your blog.)
² "Shame versus Guilt: Help for Discerning God's Voice from Satan's Lies." Ensign, Jan. 2020. (This directly addresses shame from an LDS perspective.)
*³ Brown, B. Relevant work on shame and hiding, e.g., I Thought It Was Just Me (but I'm not alone): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough."
⁴ Christofferson, D. T. (Oct. 2016). "Abide in My Love." General Conference.
⁵ 2 Nephi 2:26.
⁶ Alma 7:11–12; General reference to mortal struggles from a Church leader (e.g., Gospel Topics, "Adversity").
⁷ Scott, R. G. (Nov. 1995). "Trust in the Lord." Ensign or Liahona. (The quote is: "Your Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son love you perfectly. They would not require you to experience a moment more of difficulty than is absolutely needed for your personal benefit or for that of those you love.")
⁸ 2 Nephi 2:2.
⁹ Brinley, D. E. (Year). Book/Article on communication levels. (If a specific source is intended, otherwise generalize or remove if not essential for blog audience).
¹⁰ Kearon, P. (Apr. 2022). "He Is Risen with Healing in His Wings: We Can Be More Than Conquerors." General Conference. (The quote is: "Jesus specializes in the seemingly impossible. He came here to make the impossible possible, the irredeemable redeemable, to heal the unhealable, to right the unrightable, to promise the unpromisable. And He's really good at it. In fact, He's perfect at it.")
¹¹ Church Handbook, General Handbook: Serving in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 31.2.6, "Professional Counseling"; See also "Addiction," Gospel Topics, ChurchofJesusChrist.org.
¹² Gospel Topics, "Agency and Accountability," ChurchofJesusChrist.org; 2 Nephi 2:27.
¹³ Addiction Recovery Program: A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing (2017). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Step 11.
¹⁴ Renlund, D. G. (Oct. 2022). "A Framework for Personal Revelation." General Conference.
¹⁵ Eyring, H. B. (Oct. 2014). "Continuing Revelation." General Conference.
¹⁶ Doctrine and Covenants 58:27-28.
¹⁷ Mosiah 27:26.
¹⁸ "The Family: A Proclamation to the World."
¹⁹ Renlund, D. G., & Renlund, R. L. (Aug. 2020). "The Divine Purposes of Sexual Intimacy." Ensign.
²⁰ "Fostering a Positive Perspective of Sexuality." Ensign, Aug. 2020. (The quote is: "Simply put: God created us to be able to have sexual feelings. It's part of who we are... Simply having appropriate sexual feelings isn't something to be ashamed of.")
²¹ Addiction Recovery Program: A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing (2017). The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. (Reference to Steps 1, 2, 3, 10).
²² Nelson, R. M. (Oct. 2016). "Joy and Spiritual Survival." General Conference.
²³ "Hope and Healing from Pornography and Other Sexual Addiction." Liahona, September 2019, ChurchofJesusChrist.org.
Male Loneliness Isn’t New
The male loneliness crisis isn't new, but its impact is clearer than ever. Learn how patriarchy taught men to suppress emotion, fear intimacy, and what we can do to build deeper connections.
Male Loneliness Isn’t New.
We Just Couldn’t Name the Ache.
It feels like suddenly, everyone's talking about the "Male Loneliness Crisis." It’s a hot topic on social media, in articles, even popping up in casual conversations. But calling it a "crisis" makes it sound like a sudden event, a new plague that just appeared out of nowhere. As if we weren’t carrying this quiet ache, this unspoken distance – this male loneliness – for generations. As if we weren’t living with the slow fallout of men struggling with connection.
As a man who's wrestled with this himself, I know this isn't a surprise. Any man who’s done some honest inner work – or loved someone brave enough to do theirs – recognizes this landscape of male isolation. What’s new is that we’re finally, tentatively, speaking its name out loud: the Male Loneliness Crisis.
And maybe that speaking is a good thing. Maybe we’re starting to chip away at the deep-seated shame around needing connection. But let’s be crystal clear about what this isn't. This isn't about dating apps failing us. It's not because feminism somehow went "too far." And it is absolutely not because women suddenly "have impossible standards."
No. What we’re witnessing is the slow, grinding fallout of a system – patriarchy – that taught men that their worth was tied to stoicism, that emotional restraint was strength, and that needing anyone or anything was the ultimate weakness. This is the root cause of the Male Loneliness Crisis.
The Deep Roots of Male Loneliness
This story has roots that reach deep into our collective past. Think back to the 19th century, the age of industrialization. As the world split sharply into a public, work-focused sphere and a private, domestic one, men were increasingly cast into a rigid new mold: the self-reliant, emotionally unexpressive breadwinner. Older forms of male camaraderie, like close-knit workshops or community guilds that sometimes allowed for emotional bonds, gave way to a new ideal of the solitary, stoic provider. The one who provides. The backbone who must never buckle or cry. This wasn't just a cultural suggestion; it became an enforced ideal that fueled male loneliness. We learned it in the hushed reverence of church, the performative toughness of locker rooms, the unspoken rules of family dinners, and even, sometimes, in therapeutic spaces that reinforced traditional gender roles.
And generation after generation, we passed that lesson on, deepening the patterns of male isolation.
Psychologist Niobe Way's decades of research interviewing adolescent boys paint a heartbreakingly clear picture. At 11, 12, 13, these boys describe their close male friendships with remarkable vulnerability. "We talk about everything," one boy might say. "He knows me better than anyone else." But chillingly, by high school, that language vanishes. The open affection fades, replaced by guardedness and casual banter. Why the shift? Because they’ve learned the rules of the patriarchal game: Emotional closeness between males is dangerous. It's too soft. It risks being labeled "too gay" or simply "too much."
So, boys learn to trade authentic vulnerability for a performance of detached competence. And these patterns don't magically disappear at 18. They follow us relentlessly into adulthood – shaping marriages, fatherhood, fueling addictions, driving workaholism, manifesting as explosive rage or corrosive silence. Eventually, these patterns can calcify into men who genuinely don't know how to identify or articulate their emotional needs, because they were taught from boyhood that the very act of needing is shameful. This is the direct line to the Male Loneliness Crisis.
The Public Health Toll of Disconnection
This isn't an abstract philosophical point. It's a documented public health crisis. The 2023 U.S. Surgeon General’s report didn't just sound an alarm about loneliness in America; it quantified a silent withdrawal: men today report having significantly fewer close friendships than in previous generations. [[Link to Surgeon General's Report Summary]] This escalating disconnection isn't merely an unfortunate social trend; it has a body count. It's directly linked to increased rates of heart disease, clinical depression, suicide, and a shorter life expectancy for men. It's a slow-motion collapse, and for many men experiencing this profound male loneliness, the full gravity of it doesn't register until it's too late to easily course-correct.
And let's be unequivocally clear again: Feminism did not cause this Male Loneliness Crisis. If anything, feminist thinkers were among the first to name and dissect the problem. Bell hooks, for example, wrote powerfully about how patriarchy doesn't just wound women; it actively steals men's capacity to love and be loved. [[Link to info on bell hooks / The Will to Change]] She called the patriarchal bargain for men precisely what it is: an offer of societal power and control in exchange for emotional starvation and isolation. Feminists weren't attacking men; they were, and are, pointing to a fundamental wound created by the system and advocating for a way out that liberates everyone from rigid gender roles that fuel isolation.
It's also critical to remember that this male loneliness doesn't affect all men equally. The patriarchal story often tries to flatten "men" into a single, monolithic experience. But loneliness hits differently, and often harder, if you're a Black man navigating a world that too often sees you as a threat, making vulnerability feel physically unsafe. For a Black man, where hyper-vigilance is a survival skill, emotional vulnerability can feel doubly risky, deepening male isolation. It's different if you're a gay man who internalized shame around your identity, cutting you off from authentic connection. It's different if you're an autistic man who was never given the tools to understand the neurotypical social scripts everyone else seemed to intuitively grasp. Add layers of class, disability, immigrant status, or other marginalized identities, and the pathways to connection become even more complex and obstructed by systemic barriers. If we are going to talk honestly about male loneliness, we absolutely must be ready to talk about all men, in the fullness of their diverse experiences.
The Unseen Burden and the Double Standard
There’s another layer here that’s often overlooked, one carried largely by partners – often women, but also men and non-binary people – who have stood in the emotional gap. These are the partners who have held space for men's silence, who have carried the emotional weight for two within a relationship, who were implicitly or explicitly told, "you are the only safe space for this man's feelings." This isn't equitable love or intimacy; it’s a form of emotional outsourcing – placing the entire burden of a man's emotional world onto one person. It's not healthy interdependence; it's a dependency that limits growth for both people involved and stems from the man's inability to process feelings due to patriarchal conditioning and resultant male isolation. If you are one of those partners, I see you, and I acknowledge the toll that takes. Healing the Male Loneliness Crisis requires men to step up and learn to carry and process their own emotional world, rather than relying solely on their partners to do it for them.
Yet, the path forward isn't a simple flip of a switch. Even in spaces seemingly open to emotional depth, a subtle, confusing double standard can exist for men trying to practice vulnerability. I'm reminded of a story Brené Brown shared. After a talk on vulnerability, a man approached her and said, "My wife and daughters love the idea of vulnerability… until I actually do it. Then they’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than fall off it." This anecdote resonates because it captures a quiet fear many men carry: the apprehension that if we genuinely show our messy, unsure, vulnerable selves, even the people closest to us, the ones who say they long for more depth, might ultimately recoil or pull away.
And here’s where the shared systemic conditioning comes sharply into focus. While men historically built and disproportionately benefited from patriarchy’s architecture, we are all conditioned within this system, and it shapes everyone’s expectations of gender. This includes how we react to male vulnerability, which is key to addressing the Male Loneliness Crisis. Girls and women may be taught to say they want sensitive partners in theory, but they too can be unconsciously shaped to feel uncomfortable or even repelled by male vulnerability in practice, particularly when it challenges traditional ideas of male strength, competence, or the feeling of safety derived from a partner's perceived unshakability. When a man reveals fear, shame, or helplessness, it can trigger deeply ingrained responses in others. For some, especially those who have been hurt by men's unprocessed or destructively expressed emotions, a man's vulnerability may not feel like a bid for connection, but rather a sign of instability or even a potential threat. This recoil isn’t necessarily cruelty; it’s a complex interplay of societal conditioning, learned gender roles, and sometimes, personal trauma.
So, the lesson men learn young is reinforced throughout life: you're allowed to hurt, but only silently. Be soft, perhaps, but never uncertain or dependent. Express emotion, but only the "acceptable" emotions (like anger or pride) and at the "right" volume and time. Anything outside of that narrow script risks triggering shame – not just from other men upholding the code, but potentially from the people you love most, who are also navigating the system's rules. This dynamic perpetuates the cycle of male loneliness and isolation.
Naming the System, Finding the Way Forward
Naming this complex dynamic isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about pursuing truth and clarity. If we genuinely want to untangle the knots of male loneliness and isolation, we have to admit that the system shaping us isn't confined to locker rooms or men's retreats. It lives subtly and overtly in family dinners, in romantic partnerships, in parenting styles, and especially, in silence. And healing this systemic wound requires everyone – men, women, and people of all gender identities – to look honestly at the roles we’ve been taught to play, the expectations we hold, and the ones we are willing to rewrite to combat the Male Loneliness Crisis.
So, where do we go from here, collectively and individually? The path out of the Male Loneliness Crisis begins with conscious effort.
We start by consciously stopping the blame – particularly the misdirected blame towards women or external factors. We stop hiding behind the tired masks of irony, sarcasm, or forced detachment that maintain male isolation. We begin the slow, often uncomfortable, process of remembering what we’ve lost. The ease of friendship we had as boys. The capacity for unguarded affection. The younger version of ourselves who simply longed for someone else to say, "Me too."
We need to build new muscle – emotional literacy, genuine curiosity about our inner lives and the lives of others, and the courage to offer and receive care. This won't happen overnight, and it won't be perfect. But it can happen, slowly. One conversation at a time. One genuine hug that lasts a beat longer than comfortable. One small risk of vulnerability.
Building connection to combat male loneliness might look like sending a text to a male friend just to say you're thinking about him, with no agenda. It might be committing to reading bell hooks or other thinkers who challenge patriarchal norms instead of mocking them. It might be telling your son, explicitly and genuinely, that it is okay and good to cry, and showing him you mean it. It might be asking your own father or an older male figure what he was afraid of when he was younger. Or, powerfully, it might be allowing yourself to finally feel and express grief, sadness, or fear after years of learned numbness. Consider seeking therapy specifically focused on relational issues or emotional intelligence, joining structured men's groups focused on emotional growth, or engaging in community activities that build camaraderie beyond competition.
This isn't about rescuing men from some inherent weakness. It is about reclaiming our full, complex, messy, beautiful humanity. Because the truth is, the longer we maintain the pretense that we don't deeply need connection, the more we wither from the inside out. And in that process, the world loses the immense value of what men, when connected to their full selves, can offer: genuine tenderness, fierce loyalty, reciprocal care, emotional depth, and true, present strength.
The Male Loneliness Crisis is undeniably real. But it is not new, and it is not inevitable. It was built piece by piece by the system we all inhabit and perpetuate. Which means, piece by piece, we can choose to uncreate it.
If we are brave enough to feel again, and brave enough to let others see us doing so.
Resources & Next Steps:
Looking for support or ways to connect? Consider exploring:
Therapy focused on relational issues or emotional intelligence. [[Link to Therapy Resources Page - Internal or External]]
Structured men's groups (check for local or online options focused on emotional growth, not just activity). [[Link to Men's Group Directory - External]]
Community organizations or volunteer opportunities that build camaraderie.
Books like Niobe Way's "Deep Secrets" or bell hooks' "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love." [[Link to Book Listings]]
Information on the U.S. Surgeon General's report on the loneliness epidemic. [[Link to Report]]
Bridging the Gap: Understanding Adulthood in Relationships
In "Bridging the Gap: Understanding Adulthood in Relationships," a marriage and family therapist delves into the challenging transition from adolescence to adulthood within relationships. This insightful post explores the societal expectations versus the reality of achieving maturity, the importance of continuous learning, and the power of empathy and support in cultivating healthy, fulfilling partnerships.
Bridging the Gap: Understanding Adulthood in Relationships
In the journey of life, few transitions are as mystifying and silently challenging as the leap from adolescence to adulthood, especially within the realm of relationships. As a marriage and family therapist, I've observed a curious phenomenon: society harbors a set of expectations for adults in relationships that, upon closer inspection, seem both unrealistic and unfairly imposed.
The Illusion of Adulthood
Firstly, let's tackle the elephant in the room: What does it mean to be an "adult" in a relationship? Society often paints a picture of adulthood that is tied to certain milestones—financial independence, marriage, parenthood—yet offers scant guidance on the emotional and relational competencies that truly define mature partnership. The result? A generation of adults navigating the complexities of love and commitment, armed with little more than ideals and expectations forged by external observers.
Learning on the Job
The reality is, most of us enter the world of adult relationships without a roadmap. Our education system prepares us for careers, but not for the intricacies of communication, empathy, and compromise that underpin a healthy relationship. We are left to learn from the examples set by our parents, the media, and our own trial and error—a process that is as fraught with challenges as it sounds.
A Shift in Empathy
Remarkably, our society extends a wealth of patience and guidance to the youth as they fumble through their formative years, learning the ropes of social interaction and self-awareness. Yet, this empathy wanes as the arbitrary threshold of adulthood is crossed. Suddenly, the 24-year-old who never mastered the art of emotional regulation or conflict resolution is met with criticism rather than support. This shift highlights a critical gap in our collective approach to personal development: the assumption that adulthood alone equips individuals with the skills necessary for mature relationships.
Embracing Continuous Growth
The truth is, maturity in relationships is not a milestone reached but a journey undertaken. It involves continuous learning, self-reflection, and the deliberate cultivation of skills such as empathy, communication, and conflict resolution. As individuals and as a society, we must recognize that the development of these skills is not guaranteed by the passage of time. Instead, it requires intentional effort and, often, external guidance.
Charting a New Course
So, where do we go from here? The path forward involves breaking down the stereotypes of adulthood and opening avenues for continuous personal growth. We can start by advocating for relationship education that extends beyond the school years, into adulthood. Workshops, therapy, reading materials, and support groups can all serve as resources for individuals seeking to enhance their relational skills.
Moreover, we must cultivate a culture of empathy and support that recognizes the ongoing nature of personal development. Just as we would not expect a teenager to navigate the complexities of adult life without guidance, we should not expect adults to master the nuances of relationships without a support system.
Conclusion
As we redefine what it means to be an adult in a relationship, we pave the way for healthier, more fulfilling partnerships. By acknowledging the gaps in our education and societal expectations, and by embracing the idea of lifelong learning, we can all move closer to the ideal of mature, supportive relationships that thrive on understanding and growth.
Embracing Wholeness: Understanding Resistance and Enhancing Intimacy in LDS Relationships
As Latter-day Saints, we can apply Carl Gustav Jung's wisdom to our relationships, seeking to enhance intimacy and personal growth by acknowledging and integrating the aspects of ourselves that we may be resisting. Resistance is a normal human response to change, discomfort, or perceived threats, often appearing as avoidance, denial, or procrastination. By resisting or suppressing the negative aspects of ourselves, we inadvertently give them more control over our lives and impact our LDS relationships.
However, embracing and confronting our resistance can lead to personal growth and increased intimacy in our relationships. By acknowledging, understanding, and accepting the aspects of ourselves that we have been resisting, we can foster self-awareness, compassion, and a deeper understanding of our true selves. Cultivating self-awareness, approaching our shadow with curiosity and compassion, discovering healthy ways to express and explore our shadow, and endeavoring to incorporate our shadow into our self-concept are some steps to welcome the shadow and nurture personal growth in LDS couples.
By acknowledging and integrating the shadow, we can transform resistance into growth, ultimately leading to more balanced and fulfilling lives and LDS relationships. As Latter-day Saints, embracing our resistance can be an invaluable catalyst for change and self-discovery in our journey to improve LDS relationship intimacy.
EMBRACING WHOLENESS: UNDERSTANDING RESISTANCE AND ENHANCING INTIMACY IN LDS RELATIONSHIPS
Introduction
Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, famed for his invaluable insights into the human psyche, opined, "What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size." For Latter-day Saints, incorporating this philosophy into our relationships opens the door to increased closeness and personal evolution. It's achieved by recognizing and merging the elements of our personalities that we may initially resist. Dive into Stanford's Encyclopedia of Philosophy for an exhaustive study of Jung's oeuvre. For further reading on Jung's work, you can check out Stanford's Encyclopedia of Philosophy.
The Role of Resistance in LDS Relationships
Resistance is a normal human response to change, discomfort, or perceived threats, often appearing as avoidance, denial, or procrastination. Jung's observation highlights that when we resist specific thoughts, feelings, or experiences, we unintentionally empower them, causing them to persist and possibly grow in magnitude.
Central to this idea is the concept of the "shadow," a term introduced by Jung to describe the repressed or disowned aspects of our psyche. The shadow represents parts of ourselves that we might view as negative, shameful, or unacceptable. By resisting or suppressing these aspects, we inadvertently give them more control over our lives and impact our LDS relationships. If you're interested in a comprehensive understanding of the "shadow" concept, you can refer to this Verywell Mind article.
The Gift of Resistance for Personal Growth in LDS Couples
Although it may seem counterintuitive, embracing and confronting our resistance can lead to personal growth and increased intimacy in our relationships. When we deny or suppress parts of ourselves, we hinder our potential and create internal conflict. The paradox is that by facing what we resist, we can move beyond it, fostering self-awareness, compassion, and a deeper understanding of our true selves. For guidance on strengthening relationships within the LDS context, please check this resource.
Welcoming the Shadow to Improve LDS Relationship Intimacy
Jung believed that by integrating the shadow, we could achieve psychological wholeness and a more balanced personality. This process involves acknowledging, understanding, and accepting the aspects of ourselves that we have been resisting. Here are some steps to welcome the shadow and nurture personal growth in LDS couples:
Self-awareness: Cultivate self-awareness to recognize and understand our resistance. Pay attention to recurring patterns, emotional triggers, and areas of discomfort in your life. These may point to unresolved issues or repressed aspects of your psyche that affect your LDS relationship.
Compassion: Approach your shadow with curiosity and compassion. Instead of judging or condemning these aspects of yourself, seek to understand the root causes and the role they play in your life and LDS relationship.
Expression: Discover healthy ways to express and explore your shadow. This could involve journaling, creating art, or participating in open and honest conversations with trusted friends or a therapist.
Integration: Endeavor to incorporate your shadow into your self-concept. Recognize that these aspects are a part of you and that they hold valuable insights and lessons for personal growth and LDS relationship enhancement.
For an interesting perspective on the resistance in the context of psychological growth, visit this Psychology Today article.
Conclusion
Jung's insight that "what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size" serves as a powerful reminder of the significance of facing our inner obstacles and embracing our authentic selves. By acknowledging and integrating the shadow, we can transform resistance into growth, ultimately leading to more balanced and fulfilling lives and LDS relationships. As Latter-day Saints, we understand the importance of continual progression, and embracing our resistance can be an invaluable catalyst for change and self-discovery in our journey to improve LDS relationship intimacy. For professional insights into how therapy can help with shadow work, refer to this GoodTherapy article.
Internet Filters, Apps and other Pornography Blockers
Improving Intimacy - Internet Filters, Apps, and Other Pornography Blockers Meta Description: Discover why internet filters and blockers are not effective at preventing compulsive porn use, and how engaging in healthy conversations about pornography can improve intimacy in Latter-day Saint relationships. Learn more here.
As a parent and practitioner, I’ve found one surety with internet pornography filters, they don’t work.
I’m not suggesting you don’t use internet filters or blockers, they can help be good to help prevent unwanted imagery and content. But internet filters and blockers as a means to control pornography usage, exposure, or relapse it’s essentially worthless and often expensive and ends up negatively affecting your devices. Furthermore, there is little to no evidence that filtering is effective at shielding young people from online sexual material.
… analyzing data collected a decade after these papers, provided strong evidence that caregivers' use of Internet filtering technologies did not reduce children's exposure to a range of aversive online experiences including, but not limited to, encountering sexual content that made them feel uncomfortable. Internet Filtering Technology and Aversive Online Experiences in Adolescents
The study looked at 9,352 male and 9,357 female subjects and found that almost 50 percent of the subjects had some sort of Internet filter at home. Regardless of the filters installed, subjects still saw approximately the same amount of porn.
“Many caregivers and policymakers consider Internet filters a useful technology for keeping young people safe online. Although this position might make intuitive sense, there is little empirical evidence that Internet filters provide an effective means to limit children’s and adolescents’ exposure to online sexual material. There are nontrivial economic, informational, and human rights costs associated with filtering that need to be balanced against any observed benefits,” wrote the researchers. “Given this, it is critical to know possible benefits can be balanced against their costs. Our studies were conducted to test this proposition, and our findings indicated that filtering does not play a practically significant protective role.” Researchers find that filters don’t prevent porn
Whenever a client says they’ve installed an internet filter I ask them if it works. In EVERY single case, the response is NO.
“I can hack it in less than a minute” - thirteen year old
“No, it’s very easy to get around the blocker” - forty-five-year-old husband
“I just use a different device” -thirty-two-year-old wife
“It’s just annoying, all I need to do is change how I search…” -twenty-year-old missionary
Then why do you have internet filters?
“Because my parents think they are punishing me” - thirteen year old
“If I don’t my wife will always think I’m betraying her…” - forty-five-year-old husband
“My Bishop told me I needed to.” -thirty-two-year-old wife
“these are church devices….” -twenty-year-old missionary
The limitation with internet filters:
In every situation there is one consistent, it gives the user and loved ones a sense of security and accountability, albeit a false sense of security.
The Guardian spoke to the failures of internet filtering by identifying twelve limitations;
1. It's impossible to filter just what you want to
There is a tradeoff between failing to block inappropriate content and erroneously blocking harmless material which is educational, medical, or artistic. A 2007 paper by the University of California, Berkeley, tested 15 combinations of internet content filters and filter settings. The most restrictive of those filters managed to block 91% of adult content – but it also mistakenly blocked 23% of "clean" webpages. The less restrictive filters had fewer errors but only managed to restrict access to 40% of material which was deemed inappropriate for children.
2. Filters can't cope with context and nuance
Filters that fail to distinguish between pornography and sites that provide advice on sexual health, sexuality and relationships could actually do more harm than good. ONS stats released on Thursday say 43% of people aged over 16 use the internet to seek health-related information – that figure has more than doubled since 2007 and will probably continue to rise.
3. You can't be clear about what you filter
It's virtually impossible to be transparent about internet filtering. There are 4.2m pornographic websites and 68m search engine requests to find those websites every day according to Internet Filter Review. Their statistics are likely to be guesstimates but they do show the sheer scale of a big chunk of our online world. Would the government publish a searchable database of every banned site? Would that list be updated regularly? With explanations about why each site was blocked? Probably not. That poses big problems for democratic principles such as oversight and accountability, especially when it's not clear why a site has been blocked. As the Internet Policy Review points out: "HTTP error codes are used by some filtering regimes. These are commonly either a 404 ('file not found') or 403 ('access denied') code." Those messages can mean very different things to an internet user.
4. It's not as simple as blocking a website
As well as performance issues, questions have been raised about the scope of internet filters. Some types of filters are unable to block material exchanged through peer-to-peer networks such as instant messaging, streaming video or file-sharing programs.
5. Many children are more tech-savvy than their parents
Children will simply change the settings. This is a criticism that Cameron may have pre-empted but did not necessarily address when he stated: "It should not be the case that technically literate children can just flick the filters off at the click of a mouse without anyone knowing … those filters can only be changed by the account holder, who has to be an adult." A US panel officially mandated by the Child Online Protection Act argued: "A child can simply guess the override security word/number set by a parent to switch a filter off for adult use (how many parents set their password to their birth date or license plate number)." Crudely put, a filter has to be simple enough for technologically feeble adults but difficult enough to stop a tech-savvy 17-year-old working out how to bypass it. Arguably, no such filter exists.
6. There will always be ways round
Proxy servers can be used to bypass the filters. And there are countless tutorials online about how to use these servers. Attempts to block search results for "how do I bypass the filter?" would also need to block search results for "how can I see search results for the question how do I bypass the filter?".
7. For parents it may provide a dangerous illusion of safety
Filters could send the wrong message to parents that their children are unable to access inappropriate content online. Adults would have a false impression of security and fail to take steps to inform their children about online risks.
8. Filtering at the router level is inflexible
The proposals are unworkable because they are not device-specific. A household may want one level of internet filtering for its shared computer, and another entirely for its mobile phones.
9. It sets a precedent for restricting legal content
Some of the content which Cameron proposes to filter is legal. Campaigners such as the Open Rights Group believe that excluding legal material online amounts to censorship and that it sets a dangerous precedent for other groups in the UK (and other governments abroad) who have an interest in suppressing information. Some specific cases illustrate the point well. The Clinton administration might have appreciated mandatory pornography filters at the time of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, for example.
10. It's not cost-effective
High-profile technology advisers such as the Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales have claimed that the plans are a "ridiculous idea" because they waste money that would be better spent on bolstering police resources to deal with online crime. Even the 2008 report by the Australian Communications and Media Authority admitted in its conclusion that it had not been able to "consider the balance of costs and benefits" associated with implementing filters.
11. It hasn't happened yet
We've been here before. Cameron "unveiled" almost identical plans in October 2011. That would suggest at best that these plans are difficult to implement and at worst that they are distraction policies, designed to deflect attention from more detrimental news items. Cynics will be quick to point out that the plans were unveiled the same day that a group of MPs released a report saying that official migration statistics were dangerously inaccurate and "could be out by tens of thousands". It was also the day that the "go home" poster campaign designed to target illegal immigrants attracted criticism.
12. And finally it's a gimmick rather than a solution
Internet filters obscure the real debate about the psychological, social, and physical effects of online porn.
Furthermore, I’ll add that internet filters add to the unhealthy behavior by artificially creating a sense of security in the home. In a lot of cases, the spouse becomes a reviewer and manager of the other’s behavior. As opposed to the individual taking ownership and developing impulse control. For parents, internet filters also provide a false sense of security and place too much trust in the technology instead of learning how to positively interact with their children and help them to navigate exposure to pornography.
In summary, internet filters can be useful to help mitigate unwanted imagery and content in the home. But is often an expensive ‘virus’ that negatively affects your devices and has little to no effect in preventing compulsive porn use and can add to unhealthy dynamics in relationships. As one of the “Improving Intimacy” Admins put its;
My recommendation: don’t. No filtering software or device is perfect and sometimes it can become a game to figure out how to “beat” it. That makes it more enticing and rewarding. If he wants to look at porn, he’s going to.
Also, I’d suggest you take yourself out of the equation. It’s not your job as his wife to monitor or manage his devices. Doing so just creates an unequal power dynamic and will erode trust and intimacy. It puts you in a parenting role, instead of an equal spouse role. It’s his struggle to deal with. The motivation to overcome the habit has to come from inside him or nothing will work. Bradley Kent Cammack - Improving Intimacy
Alternatives to pornography internet filters:
The most effective approach to compulsive use of porn is engaging in loving and healthy conversations about pornography. Some of the best resources and alternatives to filters;
Its Not Your Fault: When Couples Counseling and Coaching Doesn't Work
You’re not a failure, it’s not your fault. Even if you and your partner have seen the best relationship coaches and marriage therapists. It’s not your fault that intimacy didn’t improve or it weaned off after a period of time. It’s tempting to point fingers or take the blame. It’s not because you are your partner didn’t try hard enough or didn’t care enough. There are, of course, exceptions. But even in those few exceptions, it had little or nothing to do with trying hard enough.
Improving Intimacy Relationships, Sustainably, Long Lasting Friendship
You’re not a failure, and it’s not your fault. Even if you and your partner have consulted the best relationship coaches and marriage therapists, it’s not your fault that intimacy didn’t improve or faded over time. It’s tempting to point fingers or take the blame, but the reality is that more often than not, couples “give up” or fail to see sustainable improvement for a few reasons:
Focusing too much on mechanics, such as tools, skills, and techniques
No or a lack of role models
A focus on measuring failures rather than successes
In my Improving Intimacy online course, we delve deep into these patterns to help couples understand and overcome these obstacles.
Early in my work with couples, I noticed a pattern in marital issues that completely changed the way I approached couples' work, resulting in quicker changes and long-term sustainability. As I first addressed in my article, “Marital Myth of Communication: It’s never about communication.”, couples weren’t failing because they lacked marital communication skills. Instead, too much focus on the mechanics of communication, skill, and techniques could easily slide into weaponized forms of communication I call "Book Speak" in my course. This phenomenon occurs when individuals or couples embrace a new book, expert, or modality and essentially replace their current language with new vocabulary or phrases.
"Daniel, we have spent thousands on individual and couples counseling and nearly a decade fighting to save our marriage. We learned every marriage skill and communication tool out there, it would seem to work for a while but eventually the effectiveness of those tools would wear off. It was a vicious cycle of highs and lows. The tools never seemed to created lasting, sustainable improvement. But in just a few weeks you have changed that cycle in our marriage. For the first time in our marriage we feel safe, we feel loved and we have moved from managing our relationship to connecting and healing." C.M. & M.M.
Many of the couples I’ve worked with had already consulted multiple relationship experts, therapists, and coaches. They spent thousands of dollars and claimed it was life-changing, but they still found themselves facing the same issues. In a study published in January 2020, researchers found that negative communication between spouses can be difficult to change, and changing it does not necessarily lead to more satisfying relationships. Furthermore, it doesn't always predict distress in the first place.
…contrary to predictions of behavioral models of marriage, negative communication between spouses can be difficult to change, does not necessarily lead to more satisfying relationships when it is changed, and does not always predict distress in the first place.
In my experience and according to current research, the greatest predictor of divorce or marital success is correlated to the couple’s established friendship prior to marriage. Marriage is a complex and challenging relationship. We enter into serious, lifelong commitments with little to no training, often in our most immature adult years, and expect a level of success that few, even relationship experts, experience.
You did not fail, you did not give up; you were never taught. While mechanics in marital communication can help, what creates long-lasting sustainability is relationship awareness, fostering adoration, and embracing the best. As pointed out in the same study, relationships can improve without overt improvements in communication.
Perhaps the most basic assumption underlying research on marital interaction is that specific behaviors, and specific patterns of interaction, reliably predict relationship distress and dissolution for most couples (e.g., Jacobson & Margolin, 1979). Early success at differentiating satisfied from distressed couples cross-sectionally held out promise that a distinct behavioral profile might characterize at-risk couples, as evidenced by distressed couples’ higher rates of negative behaviors, heightened reactivity to and reciprocation of negative behaviors, and sustained cycles of negativity (e.g., Margolin & Wampold, 1981; see Woodin, 2011 for a review), particularly during problem-solving conversations. In longitudinal studies, however, these same behavioral patterns have not emerged consistently as predictors of declines in relationship satisfaction (for a review, see Bradbury & Lavner, 2012). One possible explanation for the inconsistent findings is that the behavioral differences identified in cross-sectional studies may be a consequence rather than a cause of relationship distress. Another possibility is that the behaviors displayed by clinically distressed couples provide a misleading starting point for understanding how well-functioning relationships are maintained and how they change.
Furthermore, this study casts light onto a phenomenon I also discovered when focusing on mechanics within couples’ work, an emotional double bind where you see both successes and decrease satisfaction;
When distressed couples participate in empirically-supported forms of therapy, and thus are presumably motivated to grapple with and repair interpersonal deficits, a different understanding of couple communication emerges: from pre-treatment to two years following completion of treatment, observed rates of negativity and withdrawal decline by nearly half, but rates of unilateral positivity decline as well, to levels below those observed prior to the start of treatment (Baucom, Sevier, Eldridge, Doss, & Christensen, 2011).
It’s not your fault, but you can change the pattern now and set an example for future generations. My wife and I have learned these lessons and have modeled them for our children, who are now married. We created the Improving Intimacy online course to provide an in-depth look into how we did it and what really creates long-term sustainability in thriving relationships.
Improving Intimacy
Couple Highlight: Jordan and Bronwen
This post is part of the series, “Couple Highlights.” Each Couple Highlight was originally shared in the Improving Intimacy in Latter-Day Saint Relationships Facebook Group, which is a private group. In order to share these posts publicly on danielaburgess.com, explicit written consent was granted by each couple.
Couple Highlights began on the Facebook Group as a way to hear about the growth happening for couples in the group, and to give them an opportunity to share their story--their marriage journey, where they are at, and the challenges they’ve overcome.
Hi everyone! We are Jordan and Bronwen Merrill. We met in November 2015 when Bronwen’s best friend, Lexi, introduced Bronwen to her current boyfriend: Jordan. They got along well and Bronwen remembers thinking that Jordan was quite the catch. But, Bronwen was dating someone else at the time and was living in Florida for an internship in Walt Disney World. By the following January, Bronwen had returned to BYU for Winter Semester and was “on a break” with the previously mentioned boyfriend. By chance, on the very first day of the semester, she crossed paths with Jordan. She remembered exactly who he was (“her best friend’s boyfriend”), but Jordan didn’t realize the connection, thinking Bronwen was a beautiful girl he’d met but couldn’t remember where. Bronwen re-established how they knew each other, and Jordan, slightly embarrassed, told Bronwen that since Lexi was entering the MTC in February that they were no longer dating.
Bronwen knew that she couldn’t possibly date her best friend’s ex-boyfriend. But, she was just returning to Utah after 8 months of living away, and could definitely use a friend. They exchanged numbers and got to talking. Very quickly, Bronwen realized that she liked Jordan...a lot. Jordan offered to drive Bronwen to the grocery store. They studied together in the library. They decided to hang-out (NOT a date!) and make waffles together before watching a movie with Bronwen’s roommates. Bronwen told her roommates that they could NOT abandon her that evening, because she really liked Jordan but couldn’t do anything about it! She needed group protection so that nothing would happen.
Well, that non-date ended up being pretty good. Jordan and Bronwen were getting along great, and after the movie, ALL of Bronwen’s roommates did the very thing she told them not to do--they abandoned her and left her with a cute boy! That not-a-date ended up being the night of their first kiss. After Jordan had left, Bronwen called her mom and told her that 1) she was going to officially break-up with the guy she was “on a break” with (mom was pleased, she’d never liked him anyway), and 2) she was pretty sure she wanted to marry Jordan. (Jordan didn’t feel *quite* that strongly about the relationship at the start, but it didn’t take him long to get on the same page.)
Jordan proposed in July and they got married in December 2016.
Since then, Bronwen and Jordan have moved homes TEN times. They’ve lived in 8 different cities, 2 different states, and 3 different countries. They currently live in France, where Bronwen is a Parade Performer in Disneyland Paris and Jordan is a Live Streamer for Twitch.tv.
I’m going to break from speaking in the third person now, since talking about our intimate life together from an outside perspective seems a little odd to me. Haha!
Over the last 4 years, we have learned a lot about ourselves, each other, and our relationship. Just last week, we made some major break-throughs regarding the communication styles we prefer! We feel we are constantly learning, growing, and adapting our relationship so that we can both experience great happiness.
In the beginning of our marriage, I (Bronwen) had a hard time adjusting to being on birth-control (I was taking the pill at the time) and my sex drive was really low. This was frustrating for both of us, and I felt a huge sense of guilt for not wanting to be intimate. Those early conversations were difficult as I tried to express that my lack of libido had nothing to do with my feelings for Jordan. It took somewhere between 6 months to a year for me to feel a little more “normal” on the pill. During this time we still had sex, and those times were great, but we weren’t having sex as often as we thought we would be.
It wasn’t until early 2019 that I switched to Nexplanon (arm implant) for birth control, and it made a world of difference for me. Jordan noticed it, too. I know that any form of hormonal birth control “messes with” my hormones, but Nexplanon has been really great for me. We aren’t in a place where we are “ready” (not a great word choice, it’s obviously more nuanced than that, but roll with me here) to have children right now, and being a Parade Performer at Disney while pregnant...it’s just not a great mix.
We are so happy to be our little family of two. We’ve loved being able to travel, follow our dreams and support each other in those dreams. We’re not entirely sure where life will take us next, but we know one thing: we’re happy to be going there together.
How Can I Resist Pornography?
How Can I Resist Pornography?
The following is a resource for June 13, 2021, Young Men and Young Women lesson discussing pornography as part of the Come Follow Me curriculum. Here's the lesson: How Can I Resist Pornography?
Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever. – Essential Parley P. Pratt, Chapter 10 “Intelligence and Affection”
… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover. Elder Oaks What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
***Authors Note: This lesson is designed to meet the needs of a diverse audience and forums; adults, children, leadership, Sunday School, Elder Quorum, Relief Society, Firesides, etc. Please prayerfully select the sections and content/sections you believe are MOST applicable to the audience and purpose of your lesson. Due to the complexity and frequent misconceptions around this topic, I’ve intentionally included a comprehensive resource. There is NO expectation for ALL the material listed below to be covered in a brief 15-30 min lesson, please plan accordingly.***
This resource is divided into the following sections:
Due to the nature of this particular lesson on pornography and chastity, I offer a background of my ‘why’ for providing this resource. This Background section is NOT needed for the lesson but many might find it helpful and relatable. If you want to skip to the actual lesson prep section, scroll down to “How Can I Resist Pornography?” or click the link in the menu.
Background - 'The Why'
No greater responsibility can rest upon any man (or woman) than to be a teacher of God’s children. — Elder David O. McKay, Conference Report, Oct. 1916, 57.
Without a doubt, I’ve experienced the greatest insights, edification, and lifting up of souls when I approach teaching with this sense of great responsibility. There is a beauty that results when one pours their heart, mind, and soul into studying the teachings of Christ. In spite of mortal limitations and weaknesses, thoughts are guided by the spirit in a way that edifies and draws the teacher and student closer to God. Anyone who has taught the gospel of Christ has most likely had this experience. It changes your life in some way each time it happens. This edification comes from one’s prayerful guidance and spiritual influence. At times the spirit takes you beyond the provided lesson material or guides you in a direction that builds on the basic concepts presented. I testify that there is no greater calling than to be a teacher. There is no more universal way to emulate Christ than to honor the sacred opportunities to teach.
In the following, I’m going to provide real examples (names changed) of how teaching from a place of hope, clarity, and love has a more positive and lasting effect on souls than teaching with fear.
Rachel (F54): "Since joining ARP five years ago, my issues with porn have increased. I’m so confused. I don’t want this filth in my life, but I can’t seem to go more than a few weeks at a time without slipping. If my faith and ARP can’t help me, is it too late for me?"
Caleb (M16): Came in feeling absolutely hopeless. “I have been doing everything the bishop said I should, and it makes no difference," he said. He recounted hearing the same counsel from his bishop and parents over and over: read your scriptures, memorize hymns, pray, try harder, think of something different, etc. Through sobs, he talked about praying that these feelings and desires would just go away so he wouldn’t look at porn anymore. What started as 5 to 10 minute prayers had become one to two hour-long desperate pleadings that his “temptations and desires” would just go away. When prayer didn’t work to eliminate these feelings, his faith began to wane. He truly struggled as he first began to doubt himself and then God. He was at the end of his rope.
David (M48): "Help me please, I don’t know what to do, I’m scared. We have spent almost all our retirement ($50,000+) on one of the best porn addiction treatment programs available. But at best, I still struggle with porn use as I did prior to treatment, but if I’m honest with myself it’s probably worse now. But no one knows. I’m afraid to tell my wife. Because if the best treatment can’t help me, what does that mean about me?"
Jordan (M15): "I’ve destroyed my chances of marrying my future wife and I have disappointed my children. What’s the point of even going on living anymore? I can’t stop looking at porn and I don’t want to become a sexual predator."
Allison (F34): Feeling the years of struggle weighing on her and wondering if her faith was ever real, she had followed every piece of counsel and still felt that hope was wearing thin. Before giving up, she wanted to try one last time to get professional help, as a final reassurance to herself that she had done everything she could before calling it quits. She recognized that doing more of the same wasn’t working, and decided to include a therapist in her recovery process. She found me in a listing of Latter-day Saint counselors and reached out. Allison bravely explained her situation in raw honesty. She was out of options. Her leaders didn’t know what else to offer her other than the counsel to pray, study, and have “more faith.” But she was already doing all of those things without success. She simply didn’t know what else she could possibly do.
Scott Cannon (M30s): Stood in front of his congregation and spoke openly about his lifelong struggle with pornography: a struggle that he saw as an addiction and, because he believed what he was told at church, a struggle that would likely ruin his life.
“By age 16 when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw someone no good Mormon girl would ever marry," Cannon said over the pulpit. "I saw someone who was losing the battle with Satan. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I regretted that I had ever been born.”
Cannon says it was a kind of on-again/off-again relationship with pornography. There were periods of months and years where he successfully avoided it. He began hoping that when it came his time to die and meet God, it would happen during one of those clean streaks. That thinking led him to a very dangerous conclusion.
“I realized that my best and perhaps only option would be to choose for myself when I would go to meet God," said Cannon.
He was suicidal. And then he kind of snapped out of it. He started doing research of his own and discovered that from a clinical perspective, pornography was not nearly as destructive as he had thought. Stigma Of Pornography Brings Consequences Of Its Own
Meredith (F43): Found out her husband was viewing pornography. She had sounded frantic on the phone, so I made room for her in my schedule that same night.
“My entire marriage feels like a lie,” Meredith tearfully shared. The evening before, she had picked up his phone to look something up online since she had left her phone upstairs. As she typed her search into the address bar, the browser started suggesting pornographic sites. She checked the browser history and found various websites that he had been visiting repeatedly.
She continued, her words full of confusion and anger, “I prayed all day about how to approach him about it. I tried to talk with him when he got home about what I had found last night. He got so upset and just kept denying it over and over. I finally grabbed his phone from him and showed him the browser history. He got quiet and said that he has been looking at porn all through our marriage and was masturbating to it too. We’ve been married for nine years! This has been going on for nine years!”
She thought she had a strong, solid marriage and an absolute best friend. He was always a doting husband, and she never felt like anything was amiss. He was a fantastic father who set a good example for the kids and was always there for them. She seemed unable to make sense of the discrepancy between the way she had always regarded him and what she was now learning about him.
“How could this happen?” Meredith demanded. “How can he just throw away our temple marriage like this?” She suddenly felt trapped in a marriage with someone she couldn’t trust and feared how this would affect her and their kids’ future. She wondered if it was best for her and the kids to leave the “dangerous” influences of her husband's behavior. She desperately wanted to feel hopeful but couldn’t see how to, based on the damage she believed pornography caused to a person.
What do these real-life examples have in common? They were all taught the ‘harms’ of pornography in their lessons on chastity in church. But never HOW to have thriving, loving relationships that had the skills to navigate difficult topics like pornography use.
They are not exceptions, they are not alone. As a mental health therapist specializing in the treatment of porn/sex issues, I can tell you that no one is immune to these unfortunate and false views. Bishops, Relief Society Presidents, youth, parents, these unchristlike perspectives deny the atonement and harm individuals and families more than viewing porn harms the individual and family. Having worked with leaders throughout the world, helping them to address the problem of pornography in their Wards and Branches, I can tell you firsthand how destructive these views are.
Now compare the experiences of those above with these real-life examples.
Leanne is a wife of 31 years: When my husband and I started the journey of turning towards each other in all of the aspects of our lives and began to create a truly intimate marriage, the “need” for my husband to turn to porn left him. And my “need” to constantly check up on him left me. And I was healed from being stuck in betrayal trauma. The connection that we made in turning towards one another to proactively create what we really wanted for our marriage was the answer to porn not being an issue for either of us from that point forward. Turning towards each other healed both of us. Read and listen to her full experience here: How Desiring to Understand My Husband’s Struggle Led to Healthy Dialogue and Healing and Discovering My Own Sexuality
Allison (F34): "The moment I changed my prayers from 'help me to stop viewing porn' to 'help me understand my sexual desires,' there was an immediate change that came over me. It felt freeing and I felt God’s love pour over me in a way I haven’t felt before. The desire to view porn melted away, some temptation but nothing like before, it was easily manageable. I’m no longer scared of porn."
David (M48): "It seems so obvious now. I was giving porn way too much power by always framing my strategy around avoiding temptation and the consequences of porn. However, when I turned to the Lord and talked with him about my sexual desires, it felt very weird at first, and like something was trying to keep me from doing it. Maybe the adversary, maybe the years of addiction treatment, I’m not sure. But once I pushed through the awkward, it was like a sense of clarity and hope I’d been longing for all this time. The temptation hasn’t left completely, but the more I learn about my body and my desires the easier it gets."
Again, these are just a few examples of how teaching correct principles in a christ-like way empowers people to their full potential. Unfortunately, in the hopes to ‘warn’ of potential dangers, many end up only teaching, embellishing, or pulling from the worst examples. Instead of focusing on how to learn of our desires and including God in that process, the teaching focus is overcome by fear and an “avoid at all cost” mentality. As Carl Jung put it, “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size”!
Unfortunately, I believe this particular lesson; “How Can I Resist Pornography?” is similar to the chewed-up bubble gum, fence with a nail, or the old wedding dress lessons many of us adults experienced growing up. Let us learn from the past and refocus on the central message of Jesus Christ.
The hope with this particular lesson resource is that it will help each of you with that sacred process of preparing to teach and delivering this message in a way that is in harmony with the doctrine of Christ -- one that fosters hope in the recipient, and prepares them to address the challenge of pornography in their life.
It’s impossible to provide all the right answers and information in a lesson written for a general worldwide audience and in a comparatively very short time frame. Most will only have 15-25 mins to deliver a core message -- and for a topic as big as pornography and chastity, it’s critical that core truths and a message of love is shared clearly in that invaluable amount of time. I assure you, just like you remember the scary, fear-based chastity lessons of your youth, these children will remember these 15-25 minute chastity or porn lessons for the rest of their lives. Therefore, this is the opportunity for you to make a Christlike impression that will fortify these youth (and yourself) for the rest of their lives.
Unfortunately, the resources the Church offers are not always ideal, and we shouldn’t expect the Church to provide for ALL our lesson preparation. Elder Ballard has expressed his concern that we as Latter-day Saints "expect too much from Church leaders" and has strongly encouraged us TO SEEK out experts, even outside the church. He said;
…it is important to remember that I am a General Authority, but that does not make me an authority in general!
My calling and life experiences allow me to respond to certain types of questions. There are other types of questions that require an expert in a specific subject matter. This is exactly what I do when I need an answer to such questions: I seek help from others, including those with degrees and expertise in such fields.
I worry sometimes that members expect too much from Church leaders and teachers—expecting them to be experts in subjects well beyond their duties and responsibilities. The Lord called the apostles and prophets to invite others to come unto Christ—not to obtain advanced degrees in ancient history, biblical studies, and other fields that may be useful in answering all the questions we may have about scriptures, history, and the Church. Our primary duty is to build up the Church, teach the doctrine of Christ, and help those in need of help...
If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.
Fortunately, the Lord provided this counsel for those asking questions:
Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith.
If you have a question that requires an expert, please take the time to find a thoughtful and qualified expert to help you. There are many on this campus and elsewhere who have the degrees and expertise to respond and give some insight to most of these types of questions.
Now let’s turn our attention to a few of the questions you have submitted to me. I reviewed them to cover as broadly as possible the same topics mentioned many different times. Questions and Answers Elder Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles November 14, 2017
How Can I Resist Pornography? - Outline
Due to the complexity, misinformation, and sensitivity of this topic please consider approaching this lesson in the following ways;
- Spirit of prayer and fasting;
As you seek the guidance and wisdom of the spirit, your mind and heart will be able to decipher truth from error and teach this topic. You will also know how to present this lesson in a tone of love that will be the most effective in helping the recipient follow the covenant path.
- Start class with YM/YW Theme and Counsel Together
- Review the section on Love Versus Fear
- Prayerfully select which resources to prepare with and discuss with class;
The resources provided in this lesson are intended only as preparation material. It’s impossible to cover all the resources and topics, in the time allotted. Therefore, prayerfully select the concepts you believe are best for your participants. Also, if you haven’t already read through the Background - 'The Why', doing so might help you prepare for this lesson.
- Optional: Section Quotes About Marital Intimacy and Addressing Concerns is an additional resource to help navigate potential concerns.
LOVE VERSUS FEAR
A better way to teach is with love. Undoubtedly, each of your YM or YW will be uncomfortable talking about chastity and pornography. You might even be uncomfortable teaching this lesson. Embrace the awkward with love. Unfortunately, this awkwardness is a result of teaching this topic out of fear, not love.
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf made this profound observation when he stated in General Conference;
People who are fearful may say and do the right things, but they do not feel the right things. They often feel helpless and resentful, even angry. Over time these feelings lead to mistrust, defiance, even rebellion. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Frequently, Latter-day Saints attend therapy to address their pornography use after years of working with their Bishop, Stake President, or attending ARP or another 12-step program. In nearly 100% of these cases, their struggle to succeed is a result of fear-based sexual health, chastity lessons, or the recovery program they are using. Elder Uchtdorf further cautions the use of fear, even if it seems ‘effective’;
It is true that fear can have a powerful influence over our actions and behavior. But that influence tends to be temporary and shallow. Fear rarely has the power to change our hearts, and it will never transform us into people who love what is right and who want to obey Heavenly Father. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Therefore, please prayerfully consider how fear is influencing your understanding of pornography and how you can follow the counsel of President Uchtdorf by teaching “a better way” with love.
My message has two purposes today: The first is to urge us to contemplate and consider the extent to which we use fear to motivate others—including ourselves. The second is to suggest a better way. Perfect Love Casteth Out Fear
Counsel Together
Led by a member of the quorum or class presidency; approximately 10–20 minutes
At the beginning of the meeting, repeat together the Young Women Theme or the Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme. Then lead a discussion about the work of salvation and exaltation using one or more of the questions below or questions of your own. (see General handbook, (10.2), (11.2),ChurchofJesusChrist.org). Plan ways to act on what you discuss.
Live the gospel. What recent experiences have strengthened our testimonies?
Care for those in need. Who needs our help and prayers? What do we feel impressed to do to help them?
Invite all to receive the gospel. How can we be a light to family members or friends who don’t share our beliefs?
Unite families for eternity. How can we show more love and support for our families and make a positive difference in our homes?
At the end of the lesson, as appropriate, do the following:
Testify of the principles taught.
Remind quorum or class members about the plans and invitations made during the meeting.
Aaronic Priesthood Quorum Theme
I am a beloved son of God, and He has a work for me to do.
With all my heart, might, mind, and strength, I will love God, keep my covenants, and use His priesthood to serve others, beginning in my own home.
As I strive to serve, exercise faith, repent, and improve each day, I will qualify to receive temple blessings and the enduring joy of the gospel.
I will prepare to become a diligent missionary, loyal husband, and loving father by being a true disciple of Jesus Christ.
I will help prepare the world for the Savior’s return by inviting all to come unto Christ and receive the blessings of His Atonement.
Young Women Theme
I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny.
As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.
I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.
As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.
Lesson Activity and Discussion
A variety of discussion topics are provided below, prayerfully select the discussion topics you believe will best meet the needs of your class.
- Assign your YM/YW to watch Changing the narrative around the addiction story, LDS Neuroscientist Cameron Staley Ph.D. in preparation to discuss how we can have a more loving and Christ-like approach to pornography.
- How does Cameron Staley Ph.D. suggest we change the narrative around pornography use?
- Does this feel like a more loving, inviting, and encouraging approach? What about it feels more loving?
- How do you feel this approach will improve your relationship with yourself, your Heavenly Parents, your future spouse, and your future children?
- Have class review and discuss Why Was Corianton’s Sin So Serious?
- How can understanding the doctrine in the Book of Mormon correctly help us to follow the covenant path and avoid fear and sexual shame?
Sexual sin was NOT equivalent to “shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost.” Rather, it was the act of leading others into apostasy through sinful behavior that was, in Alma’s view, next to shedding innocent blood and denying the Holy Ghost in seriousness. Given that he himself was once guilty of that particular crime (Mosiah 27; Alma 36), Alma’s pleading with Corianton to repent is all the more powerful (Alma 39:9–13).
see also related articles;
- In his article Recovering from the Trap of Pornography, by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Oaks warns against calling pornography viewing an ‘addiction’.
Also see the Churches offical page on NOT calling pornography use as an addiction: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
- What does Elder Oaks say is the risk of labeling someone as a porn addict?
Answer could include:
“… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”
- How might calling something an addiction prevent someone from repenting and having hope in the atonement?
- In the official Church resource "What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?" Instructs us to NOT call pornography use an "Addiction". What reasons does it give for this requests? What does this resource say should be considered in assessing the serioiusness of the pornography use? Why is considering these points of assessment critical in supporting the individual?
Answer could include:
"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."
Frequency
Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.
Duration
Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.
Intensity
Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.
For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.
Risk-Taking
Risk-taking tendencies or behaviors related to pornography use are another indicator of how severe the challenge may be. The more an individual is willing to risk to view pornography, the more difficult it generally is for him or her to discontinue its use. Risk-taking activities may include missing school, work, or other commitments; engaging in unlawful, covert, or dishonest behavior; or similar actions. Risk-taking behavior in adults may lead to loss of employment, divorce, family disruption, or criminal activity.
- In Daniel A. Burgess LMFT interview, Is Pornography Always an ADDICTION??, he suggests a few ways leadership can support its members struggling with pornography with a more loving and Christ-like approach.
- For the best protection against pornography, what does Daniel suggest Bishops should do with members confessing pornography use?
Answer could include:
- Encourage partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple.
- Changing prayer language from “how to stop pornography” to seeking greater love and understanding of their sexual development and desires.
- How can partaking of the sacrament and attending the temple bring us closer to God when struggling with pornography?
- How does changing our language in prayer foster love over fear?
- In what ways does Jason A. Staples Ph.D. say we incorrectly use and understand “lust” according to Matthew 5:27–28?
- What are the four reasons Jason A. Staples Ph.D. gives for why misunderstanding Matthew 5:27–28 is dangerous?
- Request participants, to either watch “Why Is Porn A Problem?” or show sections in class.
- Explore with the class what the experts say is the reason why some can't stop looking at pornography?
- What are their responses to the questions or thoughts on, are we evil for viewing porn?
- How do they suggest moving forward and recovering?
- What do the experts say for the reason porn viewing can hurt oneself and their spouse?
- Open discussion; Have the class share what they found most insightful, or helpful in the “Why Is Porn A Problem?” video. How do their new insights bring us closer to our Heavenly Parents and increase our hope?
Depending on the maturity and readiness of the class you might also consider reviewing the relationship aspects discussed in “Why Is Porn A Problem?”
- How can we prepare now for a future spouse who might view pornography?
- In what ways can we support our spouse or future spouse?
Lesson Resources
Prior to teaching this lesson have your class read, watch, listen, in part or full the following resources:
see also related articles;
- Recovering from the Trap of Pornography By Elder Dallin H. Oaks Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
- Official LDS resource: What do I need to understand about the scope of pornography use?
“… it is important not to label even intensive or habitual use of pornography as an addiction because that does not accurately describe the circumstances or the full nature of the required repentance and recovery. Having a better understanding of where a person is in the process will also allow a better understanding of what action is necessary to recover.”
"As you encourage individuals to understand their use of pornography as something more than just a sign of moral weakness, they can determine what, if any, additional resources they need. For example, pornography use usually has several contributing factors (such as biological, psychological, social, and spiritual). Resources needed will depend upon the severity of individual’s behavior and how he or she is dealing with the issue."
Frequency
Frequency refers to how often an individual engages in the behavior. Sporadic viewing of pornography indicates a milder problem, although this conduct is still clearly inappropriate. The more frequently an individual views pornography, the more serious the problem.
Duration
Duration refers to how long an individual has been engaged in the behavior. If an individual has been unable to stop viewing pornography for a period of years, it will most likely be more difficult for him or her to overcome the behavior than if he or she has only been using pornography for a short period of time.
Intensity
Intensity refers to the nature of the material viewed. While all pornographic images and content are inappropriate, some types of material are significantly more degrading. As you learn about a member’s issue, it is important to note the type of pornography he or she has been viewing.
For example, media that depict sexual acts are more intense and graphic than photographs of individuals wearing little or no clothing. Some pornographic material is violent or involves children. If you become aware of any viewing, purchasing, or distributing of child pornography, contact civil authorities. A help line is also available for the bishop in dealing with this issue.
Quotes About Marital Intimacy
Some persons have supposed that our natural affections were the results of a fallen and corrupt nature, and that they are “carnal, sensual, and devilish,” and therefore ought to be resisted, subdued, or overcome as so many evils which prevent our perfection, or progress in the spiritual life. In short, that they should be greatly subdued in this world, and in the world to come entirely done away. And even our intelligence also.
Such persons have mistaken the source and fountain of happiness altogether. They have not one correct idea of the nature of the enjoyments, or happiness of heaven, or earth; of this life or any other…
Our natural affections are planted in us by the Spirit of God, for a wise purpose; and they are the very main-springs of life and happiness—they are the cement of all virtuous and heavenly society—they are the essence of charity, or love; and therefore never fail, but endure forever.
There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion; …
The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.
These pure affections are inspired in our bosoms, and interwoven with our nature by an all wise and benevolent being, who rejoices in the happiness and welfare of his creatures. All his revelations to man, touching this subject, are calculated to approve, encourage, and strengthen these emotions, and to increase and perfect them; that man, enlightened and taught of God, may be more free, more social, cheerful, happy, kind, familiar, and lovely than he was before; that he may fill all the relationships of life, and act in every sphere of usefulness with a greater energy, and with a readier mind, and a more willing heart. – Essential Parley P. Pratt
We have a great many principles innate in our natures that are correct, but they want sanctifying. God said to man, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.’ (Genesis 1:28.) Well, he has planted, in accordance with this, a natural desire in woman towards man, and in man towards woman and a feeling of affection, regard, and sympathy exists between the sexes. We bring it into the world with us, but that, like everything else, has to be sanctified. An unlawful gratification of these feelings and sympathies is wrong in the sight of God, and leads down to death, while a proper exercise of our functions leads to life, happiness, and exaltation in this world and the world to come. And so it is in regard to a thousand other things. – John Taylor
The lawful association of the sexes is ordained of God, not only as the sole means of race perpetuation, but for the development of the higher faculties and nobler traits of human nature, which the love-inspired companionship of man and woman alone can insure. – Joseph F. Smith
Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose. – Richard G. Scott
Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife. – Howard W. Hunter
Intimate relations were designed by the Lord as a sacred opportunity to renew marriage covenants, provide therapy, and keep you two in love. It is essential in a stressful world that the two of you enjoy your physical and emotional relationship. Intimacy is not to be abused. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing your masculine and feminine traits in a wholesome way. – Douglas Brinley
Physical intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a husband and a wife—the very uniting of their souls—but it is also symbolic of a shared relationship between them and their Father in Heaven. He is immortal and perfect. We are mortal and imperfect. Nevertheless we seek ways even in mortality whereby we can unite with Him spiritually. – Jeffrey R. Holland
Addressing Concerns
The following responses to frequent concerns about pornography use is intended to provide truth over error. While some of the facts listed below dispel frequent false claims about pornography viewing, this is in NO way support for viewing pornography. Rather, these facts are here to provide hope and clarity, and calm the very real fears youth and adults have about the potential consequences of prior porn viewing, which are almost always inflated.
Viewing pornography contributes to sexual crime
This is a very common theory cited frequently both in literature and by people in general. The reasoning is often along the lines of “viewing porn gives men ideas and fantasies, so that they will then go out and assault a woman to play out their fantasies.” Sometimes you will even hear studies cited about the prevalence of a history of pornography use by sexual offenders. There are several problems that firmly establish this as a myth, not a fact.
- The official Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that there was more than a 60% decline in sexual violence against females from 1995 TO 2010! - Female Victims Of Sexual Violence, 1994-2010
https://www.statista.com/statistics/191226/reported-forcible-rape-rate-in-the-us-since-1990/
Many claim that the access to high speed Internet pornography have increased sexual crimes exponentially, but there is NO research or statistics that confirm these opinions. These claims are often made in opinion articles published in official journals. For example the opinion article The Public Health Harms of Pornography: The Brain, Erectile Dysfunction, and Sexual Violence in "A Journal on Sexual Exploitations and Violence" is often quoted as a "study", but in fact is not a study. These are often well intended individuals trying to create urgency around this topic by using fear, not facts.
While some of their concerns about sex crimes being underreported are valid, the lack of data is not an excuse to insinuate, fabricate or use fear to retain a narrative. It's crucial to find ways to improve the data and make wise and informed decisions off that data. However, the fact that ALL crime according to the FBI has reduced since the early 1990s seems to demonstrate consistency in the data. Crime in the United States by Volume and Rate per 100,000 Inhabitants, 1993–2012
Furthermore, the fact that sex crimes have significantly decreased could be indicators that SOMETHING is working. By focusing on a narrative over facts, significant harm can be done to protecting woman and children. The drop in crime against women and children also doesn't reduce the importance of making the internet a safer place.
Finally, studies about sexual offenders and their pornography history is an example of confusing correlation and causation. Pornography viewing rates for males vary widely between surveys from near 50 percent (often for older males) to nearing 100 percent (for younger males). With these types of rates, it would be statistically surprising that most male criminals didn’t have a history of pornography usage; however, despite these rates, sexual offenders make up just .00279 percent of the population in the United States and its territories.
- Someone having fantasies does not mean that he or she is going to act on that fantasy. This is just as true for sexual fantasies as it is for all those fantasies we may have about work, recreation, or life. Statistics for rape fantasies among women (typically of being raped) are reported at being between 31 percent and 57 percent, and for men (typically of raping a woman) are between 13 percent and 54 percent. Women's erotic rape fantasies: an evaluation of theory and research
No one thinks that 50 percent of women actually want to be raped in real life, nor that 50 percent of men want to actually rape a woman in real life. So the idea that engaging in fantasies, even fantasies of violent or heinous acts, will result in people following through with those acts is patently false.
- Some people will push back on this and say that just because not everyone who watches porn engages in sexual assault doesn’t mean that porn doesn’t result in an increase, albeit a smaller one, in those crimes. This is also demonstrably false.
The introduction of the internet in the late 1990s can be considered the largest experiment on this issue to likely ever take place. Prior to the internet, access to pornography was generally limited to either Playboys or similar magazines that depicted nudity but not sexual activity or to videos that had to be ordered by mail, purchased at a sex shop, or rented from the local video rental store. The introduction of online pornography has increased access and use exponentially as it is now accessible easily, without cost, and, practically speaking, anonymously.
According to the claim that porn causes one to be more likely to commit sexual crimes, the dramatic increase in consumption of pornography due to the internet should have resulted in an measurable increase in sexual crimes. Instead, we have seen the opposite. The Federal Bureau of Justice Statistics shows a decline in the number of sexual assault victimizations of females from 1995 to 2010 by 58 percent. In other words, the amount of sexual assaults against women has gone down by almost 60 percent with the introduction and proliferation of internet pornography. A number of other studies have been done on the link between sexual crime and pornography availability, and they almost exclusively show a decrease in sexual crimes with a few showing negligible impacts. Pornography, public acceptance and sex related crime: A review
Porn will make people treat women as objects
This is a very common accusation, and often is accompanied by claims that the pornography viewer ends up viewing all women as inanimate objects with no emotions or feelings at all. It is an emotionally charged concept and can be difficult to talk about. What makes this myth particularly difficult to address is that in some ways it is true. Let’s start by defining objectification.
Ob·jec·ti·fi·ca·tion \əbˌjektəfəˈkāSH(ə)n\ noun: the action of degrading someone to the status of a mere object.
The definition of objectification is notably lacking specific reference to both sexuality and to women. There is a reason for that: objectification happens in all sorts of aspects of life. Dr. David Ley commented on this phenomenon.
Nobody wants to be seen as merely an object. We all want to be seen as a person, a unique being, with our own thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. But, as usual, sexual objectification is, for some reason, treated as especially “wrong” compared to other types of objectification.
Our society, in fact, thrives on objectification. You don’t think telemarketers REALLY care about you as a person, do you? Objectification is not necessarily a bad thing. Surgeons commonly “objectify” their patients because it is easier to cut into them when the surgeon is not distracted by thoughts of this person’s feelings, future and past. Soldiers objectify their enemies to make it easier to attack or kill them. What do we tell a person who is afraid of public speaking? “Imagine your audience naked…”.
He then explains the other side to sexual objectification.
Research with pornography and objectification has actually shown that when we see someone as a sexualized “object,” there are some good sides to that. When we are sexualizing someone, we tend to see them as someone who experiences things in a powerful way. We see them as “experiencers,” who we can imagine “experiencing” sex with us. There was an old study years ago where people thought they were giving electric shocks to other people. Current studies on sexual objectification suggest that if that person were showing more skin, or was even naked, people would shock them less. Not because they want to get laid by that poor person, but because we believe, on the basis of that sexual objectification, that they would feel the pain more intensely than other people.
This is a far cry from the idea that objectification amounts to women being seen as a chair or a treadmill to be used for our enjoyment without consideration at all. In fact, Joshua Knobe, professor of philosophy and cognitive science at Yale University, notes that objectification isn’t really an accurate term for what is taking place. He and some colleagues conducted an experiment about objectification by giving male participants a picture of a woman who is either clothed or nude and posed normally, or nude and posed sexually. They then had participants rate the woman on how capable they thought she was of having agency (self-control and both planning and acting morally) and how capable she was of having experiences (feeling fear, desire, and pleasure). Based on their results, they found that men believed the woman posing naked and in a sexy pose was seen as having less agency but more experience than the woman who was just naked or clothed posing normally. From that data, they deduced that,
In short, it doesn't look like pornography is leading men to treat women as mere “objects.” Instead, we seem to be getting something that might be called animalification—treating a woman as though she lacks the capacity for complex thinking and reasoning, but at the same time, treating her as though she was even more capable of having strong feelings and emotional responses.”
Again, this is not the same as truly objectifying someone and seeing them as “an object.” Rather, as Knobe later puts it, “the problem here doesn't have to do with ignoring a person's mind but rather with focusing exclusively on just one part of that mind.”
This is something that we all engage in even during a sexual experience with a spouse. When we find ourselves moving towards orgasm and wanting our spouse to continue doing what they are doing or to just hold still for a moment or to stop something distracting because we are close to the point of climax, we are objectifying them, seeing them in that moment in the context of our own self rather than as a full person who may not want to stop what they’re doing. Hopefully though, when that moment of objectification has passed, we re-engage with them, attend to their needs, cuddle, and draw close again. In this way, objectification is functional similar to the way it is functional for a surgeon or soldier.
Yes, in consuming pornography, we only see part of a person. This isn’t a problem specific to pornography, it is simply an aspect of how we all function in various aspects of life and one that can, when taken to an extreme, be incredibly problematic. So we are then left with the question of whether the objectification in the context of pornography consumption devalues women uniquely in real life. And the answer is no.
In 2016, researchers from Ontario tested this theory. Specifically, they wanted to measure how pornography use impacted the attitudes of egalitarianism in men. They measured egalitarian attitudes toward women holding positions of power, women working outside the home, abortion issues (including under conditions like rape), and attitudes around the traditional family. What did they find? Those who used pornography held attitudes that were more egalitarian than those who did not use pornography. In other words, rather than pornography consumption being correlated with negative attitudes about women, it was correlated with positive, egalitarian ideas about women.
The idea that pornography objectifies women in any way that is unique from objectification that happens generally in life or is harmful to attitudes about women is a myth.
Viewing pornography will corrupt your sexual interest
There is no arguing that pornography will expose someone to sexual acts, behaviors, and ideas that they might not otherwise have. Viewing and even repeatedly seeking out this material has lead some to the idea that such exposure is ruining or corrupting their sexuality, perhaps even irreparably. Reasoning often accompanies the idea that the person is becoming “satiated” and developing a “tolerance” to more mainstream pornography and requires increasingly “intense” or “shocking” material to get aroused. Such a thought is quite frightening and consequently creates enormous concern. Fortunately, research has shown this to be completely false.
Over 2,000 people who identified as consumers of pornography were surveyed in this research. Fifty-eight percent were women and a little less than half were in a relationship. The survey asked them how arousing they found each of 27 different categories of pornography covering a broad range of mainstream and non-mainstream interests. While some identified as being aroused by non-mainstream pornography, they were also aroused by mainstream pornography. They also didn’t report being any less sexually satisfied than those who did not report being aroused by the non-mainstream pornography. This shows that consumption of pornography will not corrupt your sexual interests and cause you to not be interested in more mainstream sexual stimuli. It shows a lack of evidence (the closest science comes to disproving something) for the idea of satiation and tolerance in pornography consumption.
With that said, those who do view pornography often find themselves aroused by new things. The research discussed above would note that this is not a corruption of sexuality since mainstream sexual stimuli is still arousing. Rather, it is a discovery of increased breadth of sexual interest.
The most common way to conceptualize this broadening of interests is as a lovemap, which was developed by psychologist John Money in 1980. He and others have expanded on it ever since. The lovemap is the sum of those thoughts, ideas, fantasies, situations, traits, etc. that make up what we find to be seuxally arousing. The formation of this template begins with the hormones we are exposed to at birth and continues up into puberty. Money notes that the most vulnerable and critical years for lovemap formation is not teenagehood when sexual hormones are raging but rather the formative years of about five to eight years old. And after puberty, the lovemap has largely been formed and is extremely resistant to change.
John Money, a prominent psychologist and sexologist, introduced the concept of a 'lovemap' to describe the mental blueprint that shapes an individual's sexual desires and preferences. Born in New Zealand in 1921 and later working in the United States, Money was a key figure in the field of sexual identity and development. His groundbreaking work at Johns Hopkins University, where he was influential in the establishment of the first gender identity clinic, contributed significantly to the understanding of gender identity and sexual orientation.
Money's concept of a lovemap encompasses a variety of mental images, ideas, fantasies, situations, and traits that collectively define what one finds sexually arousing. He proposed that these lovemaps begin forming early in life, shaped by an interplay of biological, psychological, and social factors. Contrary to a sole focus on hormonal influences, Money emphasized the importance of early childhood experiences and societal interactions in the development of these sexual templates. He believed that while lovemaps start forming in childhood, they become relatively stable and resistant to change after puberty.
In counseling, explaining lovemaps can be akin to describing a subconscious sexual scrapbook, unknowingly compiled from a diverse array of sexual and erotic experiences. This scrapbook, though created without conscious awareness, forms the foundation of an individual's sexual identity. Gaining insight into its content, however, is not straightforward. It requires exploration, openness, and a certain level of sexual confidence. While individuals may have some awareness of their sexual preferences and fantasies, much of their lovemap remains unexplored, making self-discovery a key aspect of understanding one's sexual identity.
John Money's theories, including his work on lovemaps, have been influential in the fields of psychology and sexology. They have sparked considerable discussion and debate, contributing to a deeper understanding of human sexuality and its complex interplay with psychological and social factors.
The privacy and anonymity of pornography can expose the viewer to aspects of sexuality that they may not have explored yet. They can browse for taboo topics, fantasies, or imagery that they might otherwise not be able to explore. Whether that is going to end up being sexually arousing to them or not is based on their lovemap. They are essentially flipping to that page in their sexual scrapbook and finding out, “Wow, there’s a of great stuff that I like on these pages,” or “There are a couple of interesting things here, but not a ton of stuff,” or even “Huh, I don’t have any pages about that in my scrapbook.”
Once you find certain pages, you may end up spending time learning more about that, exploring there, diving into those pages; however, pornography exposure will not add pages to your scrapbook or tear pages out. It just might point out pages that you hadn’t really spent much time on before. In other words, viewing pornography isn't corrupting sexual interests; people are using pornography to explore the sexual interests they already have.
According to Matthew 5:27–28, lusting is evil.
You heard it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery,’ but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman/wife in order to covet her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27–28
Probably one of the most misinterpreted Bible scripture used to teach chastity, biblical scholar Jason A. Staples (Ph.D., UNC-Chapel Hill), who is a historian of early Judaism and Christianity, has observed in his article “Whoever Looks at a Woman With Lust”: Misinterpreted Bible Passages. Why misinterpreting this scripture is particularly dangerous;
The biggest problem with the way these verses are usually explained is that it misplaces the focus away from the will, from the commitment of the heart, towards a condemnation of the natural desires human beings are created having. Young men in many churches are effectively told that there is something inherently sinful in their sexual impulses.
As a devout Latter-day Saint, and Therapist who works primarily with sexual health and compulsive porn and sexual behavior, I have also seen the very real danger of Latter-day Saints misinterpreting this scripture in a way that harms them as individuals and harms their marriages. Jason A. Staples's observation hits home in a profound way. In reading the following you might be surprised to know he is not LDS. But he is addressing the danger of this misinterpretation to a general Christian audience. Beyond semantics and misinterpretation, he points out four major reasons why misinterpreting this scripture is harmful;
1. A great deal of self-defeat and guilt about sexual desire is a problem in much of the church. Young men are often entirely consumed with their efforts “not to lust,” as though focusing even more attention on the matter of sexual desire would actually help things!
2. In the same vein, I have even had married men talk to me about how they try not to “lust” for their wives! This stems from the misguided idea that if their desire for sex is simply because they’re “horny,” there’s something inherently wrong with that, something to feel guilty about. (In contrast, look at the way Paul approaches marital sex in 1 Cor 7; he seems to present it as the necessary and acceptable cure for “being horny.”) Talk about a way to take some of the joy out of marriage and substitute defeat and guilt!
3. Many young men simply give up the fight, reasoning that if they’re already guilty of sexual sin because of their thoughts, they might as well go ahead and enjoy the real thing. You’d probably be surprised how often this is the case.
4. Some who understand this passage to be a condemnation of lust actually reason that they can have extramarital (or at least premarital) sex as long as they “don’t lust.”
Staples continues by saying that we, unfortunately;
…emphasize this verse to men and (especially) adolescent boys, warning that if they so much as think of a woman in a sexual manner, they’ve already sinned, that they’ve already effectively done the deed with her. Such an interpretation often works hand-in-glove with the common idea that Jesus “intensified” the Law in the Sermon on the Mount, setting a higher standard in order to show that no person could actually live up to God’s standards, showing that a person could only be saved by recognizing the impossibility of righteousness and then receiving forgiveness (a complete misinterpretation of the Sermon on the Mount I will address at another time). So the common teaching is: lust (that is, sexual lust) is absolutely evil—equivalent, even, to the physical act of sexual sin.
Another key aspect of nearly all the common misinterpretations of this verse is a specific (mistaken) definition of the word “lust.” Specifically, many readers understand “lust” as specifically denoting misplaced or overly robust libido. For example, as one recent conversation partner explained to me, “I take lust to mean wanting something more than you should in an unhealthy way.”
Despite its popularity, this interpretation is imprecise, even flat wrong, and leads to surprisingly harmful consequences, making this verse a great candidate to start this series.
Staples continues by examining the nuance and significance of this misinterpretation by stating;
… the Greek word usually translated “lust” in this passage (ἐπιθυμέω; epithumeô) is precisely the word for “covet” (Hebrew חמד) in the Tenth Command in the Septuagint (Greek Old Testament), which says:
‘You will not covet your neighbor’s wife. You will not covet your neighbors house or his field or his male servant or his female servant or his ox or his donkey or any animal which is your neighbor’s. (Ex 20:17 LXX)’
Looks pretty familiar, doesn’t it? In fact, it’s essentially identical; since there’s no distinction between the words “wife” and “woman” in Greek, the word translated “wife” here is the same that is translated “woman” in Matthew (both English words translate the same Greek word γύνη; gynē).
It turns out that Jesus isn’t saying anything new at all in Matthew 5:27–28. Instead, he directly cites one of the Ten Commands to remind his audience that the Law not only prohibits adultery, it prohibits coveting with the same severity. This is not an intensification of the Law; it’s a reminder of what the Law already says. In addition, Jesus gives no indication that he regards the Law as too difficult to keep—he not only assumes that his followers can follow his interpretation of the Torah but commands them to do so.
Now that it’s clear that Jesus isn’t saying something specifically new here but is instead calling attention to the Tenth Command, the next order of business is to understand the tenth command and the concept of “coveting.” The first thing to understand is that when the Hebrew חמד or Greek ἐπιθυμέω are used as verbs in the OT, it denotes desire directed at obtaining the specific object in question and not merely the existence of the desire itself.
Strikingly, the nominal (noun-form) concept of “lust” or “desire” (even the sexual variety) is nowhere forbidden in Scripture, nor is it equated with sin—only the potential to sin: “Each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust. Then, when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin. And when sin is completed, it brings forth death” (James 1:14–15). Note that James clearly distinguishes between “lust” (that is, desire) at the stage of temptation and “sin,” which is the actual commission of an act.
Pornography is as addictive as drugs.
There is NO evidence that pornography is as addictive as drugs.
This myth is a result of fear-based media and well-intending people to emphasize the potential dangers of porn use. Often the media and certain 'experts' will quote from neuroscience research to support their statements.
For example, one of the most widely misused/misquoted study is the 2014 Dr. Valerie Voon study, "Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours" which even the Church used to emphisize the 'danger' of porn viewing, in a press release that included "a call of action to parents," and that "letting children consume pornography freely was likeleaving heroin lying around the house, or handing out vodka at the school gates.” Cambridge Study confirms Danger of Pornography
However, this is NOT what Dr. Valerie Voon research found and,
“Voon is quick to caution against using her studies to leap to conclusions about the addictiveness of sex or porn. ‘Much more research is required,’ she explains."
Additionally other neuroscientists at the University of California, Los Angeles,
"observed that volunteers who believed they had a problem with porn reacted to the pictures with low levels of excitement in the brain, unlike other addicts faced with triggering cues.” These people may be having problems, but of some other type,” says Prause. “Addiction is not a good way of understanding it.” Can you really be addicted to sex?
What Dr. Voon study actually says is the following;
The current study has multiple limitations.
1. the study involved only (19) heterosexual male subjects.
2. there currently exist no formal diagnostic criteria for CSB and thus this represents a limitation for understanding the findings and placing them within the larger literature.
3. given the cross-sectional nature of the study, inferences about causality cannot be made.
4. the small sample and lack of a whole brain corrected approach is a limitation.
The current and extant findings suggest that a common network exists for sexual-cue reactivity and drug-cue reactivity in groups with CSB (compulsive sexual behavior) and drug addictions, respectively. These findings suggest overlaps in networks underlying disorders of pathological consumption of drugs and natural rewards. **While this study may suggest overlaps with substance-use disorders, further clinical studies are required to determine whether CSB should be categorized as an impulse-control disorder, within an obsessive-compulsive spectrum or as a behavioural addiction.
In more recent interviews, Dr. Valerie Voon has stated after having conducted more research that she
... takes a more moderate view. “I suspect (porn) probably doesn’t cause a ‘major’ cognitive risk,” she says in an email to The Daily Beast. But she adds there are potential issues with porn consumption for especially vulnerable populations. “I think one of the main issues would be that there may be a subgroup of people who may run into problems with compulsive use.”
Furthermore, Dr. Cameron Staley, LDS scientist and leading expert in the subject, has studied porn addiction his whole career and has stated that NO research supports porn addiction. In one interview he made the following observation;
“I believe the Adversary attempts to convince us that, ‘You are horrible, that you should never tell anybody, never reach out for help, don’t even use the Atonement, don’t talk to anybody—he wins. We shut down. We withdraw,” Staley says. “But if we view it as, ‘Oh wow, I’m doing something that’s inconsistent with my beliefs, let’s understand what’s going on, the Atonement still applies to me. I’m not a bad person, I’m just doing things that I don’t want to do.’”
According to Staley, religious people feel distress when viewing pornography “as high as other people that are viewing at really high rates,” even if they don’t view it as often. Through his research, he has also discovered that believing you are “addicted” may maintain unwanted pornography viewing in the future. “Believing you’re addicted takes away the hope, and when we don’t have hope, we do things to soothe ourselves, and the one strategy these individuals have come up with to soothe themselves is viewing pornography,” Staley says. “That’s the cycle.”
Finally, some professionals have embraced the fear-based side of porn use as a core part of their business model.
What about all the science that supports sex/porn addiction?
The topic of sex/porn addiction and its validity is a complex topic, which is too often overly-simplified and forced into being an absolute - such as being an addiction or not.
“Addiction” is an overused term that has morphed into a general description of any impulsive behavior. But “addiction” has a very specific meaning in science and mental health. As a result, the general use of the term has caused much confusion. However, the confusion is not an issue of semantics alone. If it were semantics alone, this would not be a cause of concern. Rather, the issue is in applying effective methods and solutions; it goes to the core of accurately identifying the problem and the treatment.
For example, imagine going to the doctor and saying you have cancer, and the doctor immediately starts chemo and other invasive forms of cancer treatment. This treatment goes on for days, months, and years, only to discover you don’t have cancer at all. Some will exclaim, it's because you’re cured! Others will say the cancer is still there because you still feel sick. You go another round of chemo and invasive treatment. Some will say, well cancer is so dangerous that whether you had cancer or not, what could the chemo hurt? You might be thinking there is a malpractice case developing here since the doctor only relied on a personal report, failing in his duty to do his own diagnostics and assessments. You’d be right.
However, this is at the core of the problem with sex/porn addiction treatment. There is no robust standard for assessment. The Sexual Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is almost entirely subjective and moralistic (“moral incongruence”) and relies almost entirely on personal assessment and reports. Not an empirical assessment.
Why is a moral incongruence bad? It’s important to consider our core values, including our religious values/faith, and commitments/covenants while assessing sex/porn addiction. However, if the assessment is done through the lens of morality, that individual will most likely self-assess more severely.
For example, if one perceives viewing porn with eternal consequences (a form of betrayal and adultery), that individual will most likely assess more severely than someone who does not view their porn use in the terms of morality. Ergo, the same treatment is given for an individual who viewed an Instagram model on occasion versus an individual presenting with frequent, out-of-control, prolonged exposure and engaging in illegal and risk-taking behavior.
Research on the moral perception of sex/porn and its impact on perceived behaviors is well documented:
Furthermore, the addiction model is essentially a one-size-fits-all approach, with variations depending on the treatment center. More effective treatment centers and approaches include assessment for comorbid diagnoses, but the treatment is usually the same.
ARP or Addiction treatment is the best way to recover or stop porn use.
The best and most current research on sex/porn addiction does not support the addiction model of treatment. The addiction model has been well studied and has been shown to have a success rate between 5-10%, which is less than doing nothing at all for treatment.
In one of the most comprehensive analyses of various alcohol abuse treatments, AA ranked 37th out of 48 treatment methods. It was well behind the most effective methods, which were brief interventions, motivational enhancement, and GABA agonist medication, but also well behind even such minimal interventions as case management (12th), acupuncture (17th), exercise (20th), and the no-intervention-at-all method, simply labeled self-monitoring (30th). —Saving Psychotherapy: How Therapists Can Bring the Talking Cure Back from the Brink by Benjamin E. Caldwell
If you are one of the 5-10% success rates, wonderful! The desire for improved treatment from porn use in no way discount the 5-10%. (Also, see; “The Sober Truth" and “Sex Addiction a Critical History”) Rather it’s impairative to find a way for MORE people to experience the success of those few in addiction treatment.
As Latter-day Saints we have an impairative to save souls. If you were given a more successful aproach, or if you were aware of a better way to treat porn use. Avoiding years of struggle that resulted in years of suffering being avoided. Wouldn't you do all you can to bring that to the many souls craving for more meaningful and lasting solutions? As such many trained professionals tend to suggest more effective treatment like A.C.T. or ACT-based treatment over the LDS Church’s Addiction Recovery Program (ARP), or other addiction-based models of treatment. Additionally, both “the science” and the “LDS Church” agree in discouraging the use of the addiction language and approach.
The Science: The most current and comprehensive scientific review of sex/porn addiction: Sexual addiction 25 years on: A systematic and methodological review of empirical literature and an agenda for future research
The LDS Church: What LDS Apostle Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said about porn “addiction” which is also in line with the scientific research:
In earlier times and circumstances, our counsel about pornography focused principally on helping individuals to avoid initial exposure or to recover from addiction. While those efforts are still important, past experience and current circumstances have shown the need for counsel addressed to levels of pornography use between the polar extremes of avoidance and addiction. It is helpful to focus on four different levels of involvement with pornography: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction).
…
Once we recognize these different levels, we also recognize that not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted. That is a very important distinction to make—not just for the parents, spouses, and leaders who desire to help but also for those who struggle with this problem. Here is why.
First, the deeper the level of involvement one engages in—from inadvertent exposure, to occasional or repeated intentional use, to intensive use, to compulsive (addictive) use—the more difficult it is to recover. If behavior is incorrectly classified as an addiction, the user may think he or she has lost agency and the capacity to overcome the problem. This can weaken resolve to recover and repent. On the other hand, having a clearer understanding of the depth of a problem—that it may not be as ingrained or extreme as feared—can give hope and an increased capacity to exercise agency to discontinue and repent.
Second, as with any sinful behavior, willful use of pornography drives away the Holy Ghost. Some who have experienced this will feel prompted to repent. Others, however, may feel embarrassed and seek to hide their guilt through deceit. They may also begin to feel shame, which can lead to self-loathing. If this happens, users may begin to believe one of Satan’s greatest lies: that what they have done or continue to do makes them a bad person, unworthy of the Savior’s grace and incapable of repentance. That is simply not true. We are never too far out of reach from the Savior and His Atonement. — Recovering from the Trap of Pornography
Couple Highlight: Nich and Kelsey
This post is part of the series, “Couple Highlights.” Each Couple Highlight was originally shared in the Improving Intimacy in Latter-Day Saint Relationships Facebook Group, which is a private group. In order to share these posts publicly on danielaburgess.com, explicit written consent was granted by each couple.
Couple Highlights began on the Facebook Group as a way to hear about the growth happening for couples in the group, and to give them an opportunity to share their story--their marriage journey, where they are at, and the challenges they’ve overcome.
Hi! Whenever we are asked to introduce ourselves the first thing that comes to mind (for Kelsey), is “well we’re pretty normal I guess?” Pretty soon into thinking of details to share, though, we remember that while Kelsey is born-and-raised from Provo UT (pretty standard) and we met in the MTC, bound for the same mission (also not unheard of and surprisingly common these days), Nich is a convert from the Midwest with tattoos XD. I (Kelsey) forget sometimes that we might not appear typical to most people in Provo, UT (where we live). Another aspect of our lives that may provide some insight into why we are the way we are is that Kelsey works full time and Nich is a full-time student and at-home dad.
I guess you could say we hit it off as missionaries, but we also served in a pretty strict mission (under Elder Choi, see the talk “Don’t Look Around, Look Up” from the April 2017 General Conference), so we weren’t all flirty or particularly thought about dating each other while we were out serving. Because we were in the same MTC district, Kelsey got home about 6 months before Nich, in July 2016, and that’s when we started writing. We were engaged by the following Easter. We’re pretty confident that the mission president’s wife at the time shared a photo of us with the missionaries when we started dating, and not just to some missionaries, but probably in a zone-conference PowerPoint. It’s fun to have our mission memories in common and we find ourselves laughing about and reminiscing over many mission things together.
We have been married since August of 2017 and have one child who is just over 2 years old (yes, she was born before our first anniversary – by eight days!). Something some of you may know about us is that Daniel Burgess is Kelsey’s step-father. So, obviously, that’s how we were introduced to the group. We’re both really grateful for Dan’s perspective and the conversations he’s helped us have, as they have made it easier to navigate the tough conversations needed in every marriage.
Speaking of tough, while there are many things we feel are healthy and good about our relationship, we both struggle pretty majorly with mental illness. Nich has depression, suicidal thoughts, and ADHD, and Kelsey has high anxiety. You can imagine these things pair great with each other, amiright? Nich has had a sense that he needed help since he was a teenager, but the first time he got professional help was from the LDS family services therapist associated with our mission. He hasn’t had an official therapist since then, but has been on Wellbutrin on and off since we’ve been married. He still struggles to know how to handle his mental health problems consistently. As for Kelsey’s mental health journey, she loves to soak up information and get advice from others, so she has dived in to several podcasts since we’ve been married. One of the first ones was Dan’s, of course, and she has also found a lot of resonating concepts from Amanda Louder’s Live from Love. She’s currently loving Awesome With Alison (comment if you love her too!) and working with a therapist recommended by Dan. Together, we try to be really open about our struggles, and have conversations about how we can help each other often. It’s not easy to be dealing with, but we usually feel confident that we can work through things together.
When it comes to sex, you can imagine how a high-anxiety person and a person struggling to see meaning in life (depression and suicide ideation) might have difficulty feeling in-sync when it comes to connecting intimately. If either of us are feeling stressed or particularly overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions, sex isn’t a priority until we have talked and re-connected emotionally. For both of us, emotional connection is an extremely important aspect of not only general intimacy, but sex as well. We probably block ourselves from feeling like being intimate because we over-analyze where we are emotionally and get caught in our own thought-traps.
Because of everything described here, we are grateful to be able to participate in this group and have had a lot of mind-opening conversations about ourselves and our relationship because of the questions and opinions posed here. We’re both pretty active in the group and are of course willing to answer any further questions anyone has!
Couple Highlight: John and Katie
This post is part of the series, “Couple Highlights.” Each Couple Highlight was originally shared in the Improving Intimacy in Latter-Day Saint Relationships Facebook Group, which is a private group. In order to share these posts publicly on danielaburgess.com, explicit written consent was granted by each couple.
Couple Highlights began on the Facebook Group as a way to hear about the growth happening for couples in the group, and to give them an opportunity to share their story--their marriage journey, where they are at, and the challenges they’ve overcome.
Hey! We’re John and Katie Salmond. We have been married for almost 15 years. We both grew up in homes where we were not educated about sex. Shame was paramount in my home in particular (Katie). We were lucky to read a few books during our engagement that helped us identify our cultural and parental taught shame around sexuality and fight against it. We have been quite lucky that we have not had tons of shame around our sex life. Sexuality and intimacy groups are a place for me to find my people, learn, get ideas of fun things to try and get recommendations about books.
We have experienced a few health challenges that have shaped our intimacy and sex life though.
We have had long-term infertility. Facing the possibility of never having children, re-imagining our family structure and navigating intimacy crushing treatments has bound us, helped us to turn inward as a couple and strengthened us. Our life became about us as a couple and being fulfilled and putting our relationship first. When we did have our one son, our couple relationship has remained our priority.
We have also worked to manage the challenges that mental illness brings. John has drug-resistant depression resulting in low/no desire. I had postpartum anxiety with intrusive thoughts. It has made it so we have had to very clearly communicate wants and desires, schedule sex and stick to each other. Our couplehood is our home base. It’s what has gotten us through so much.
Couple Highlight: Daniel and Julie
This post is part of the series, “Couple Highlights.” Each Couple Highlight was originally shared in the Improving Intimacy in Latter-Day Saint Relationships Facebook Group, which is a private group. In order to share these posts publicly on danielaburgess.com, explicit written consent was granted by each couple.
Couple Highlights began on the Facebook Group as a way to hear about the growth happening for couples in the group, and to give them an opportunity to share their story--their marriage journey, where they are at, and the challenges they’ve overcome.
My wife and I will begin by sharing our Couple Highlight.
Hello! We are Daniel and Julie Burgess. We’ve been married for eight years. We have three married daughters, two living in Provo, and the other living in France working for Disney Paris. Our two sons are currently living with us. The oldest son is preparing for his mission and the younger son has one more year before he starts high school. We have one grandchild, and we’re loving getting used to the titles “grandma” and “grandpa”.
Daniel has a background in Finance, and currently works as a marriage and family therapist specializing in intimacy issues. I love sharing the joy that comes from my work as an author, podcaster, and presenter. I also find great joy in getting lost in my books; church history, LDS scholars, the writings of our prophets, etc.
Julie recently retired from teaching school, and is excited to get back on stage. I love performing in theater and spent 25 years performing in shows along the Wasatch front. I have written several published pieces of choral music, conducted numerous choirs, and taught voice for many years. I also love my wall of power tools, and relish a good project!
We love studying and discussing the gospel, remodeling our homes, weightlifting, hiking, and traveling. We’ve paddled kayaks in Mendocino, Alaska, Utah, and Nova Scotia.
Since each of us were previously divorced, we knew going in that we’d be facing as yet unrevealed triggers and dysfunctions. Many of these issues were rooted in the behaviors from our previous marriages. It affected the way we communicated with each other, and the way we perceived the meaning of each other’s words and actions. We have had many long (sometimes tearful) discussions as we’ve navigated these bumps. Being willing to actually talk out loud about our fears and misconceptions has made it possible for us to be more vulnerable with each other, and has definitely increased the depth of our relationship.
Having both grown up in the church, we’ve struggled with the way sexual/morality topics were taught in our teenage years. We have both strived to teach these important concepts in a better way. In our house, we wanted conversations about desire, arousal, and intimacy to be normalized. We’ve had open discussions with our kids at the dinner table and sitting together in the hot tub.
As parents of married kids, we’re grateful that they feel comfortable discussing questions about intimacy and the role it plays in their relationships. This is a huge difference from the way we were raised, where we would have never brought up these topics with our own parents. We love to see how the members of this group encourage each other and help each other understand differing points of view. It’s so wonderful to see the conversation about intimacy within LDS relationships change in such a healthy and supportive way!
Is Masturbation A Sin?
Is Masturbation A Sin?
In-depth and detailed history of masturbation in the LDS Church: https://www.danielaburgess.com/blog/2018/01/dont-touch-addressing-sexual-taboos-in.html
Misinterpretation of Lust: https://www.jasonstaples.com/bible/most-misinterpreted-bible-passages-1-matthew-527-28/
LDS Medical Historian Lester Bush observed that church in;
“The late 1920s and most of the 1930s saw a more explicit “sex education” in church lessons, to a degree not matched before or since. As one invited speaker explained to a general conference of the Relief Society, adults needed to realize that “you and I have been brought up in a generation where we just could not talk about sex. Not so our youngsters. They are talking and thinking about sex as frankly as anything else, and so far as I can discover, as wholesomely. Official [church] manuals advised members to purchase secular works on the subject-specific titles were suggested--and that the expression of sexual interests ‘should be guided and directed, not inhibited.’ An apogee (in the Mormon context) was reached in lessons which warned against creating emotional problems in adolescent children by an ‘unintelligent’ over response to the discovery that they practiced masturbation.” Health and Medicine among the Latter-day Saints: Science, Sense, and Scripture by Lester E. Bush, Jr pg. 144
3The Lester Bush quote above comes from the Relief Society Mag 1932 pages 89-93, the who section is absolutely amazing https://archive.org/details/reliefsocietymag19reli/page/n101/mode/2up?q=sex
“Rhetoric from the pulpit at Church conferences has changed over time on the issue of sexual immorality. Very little was said about this topic in the Church’s first century . . . American society began its own transformation in sexual values . . . in the post-World War II baby boomers. The value of chastity was cast aside in favor of sexual liberation. LDS Church leaders reacted by emphasizing more often and more strongly from the pulpit the value of chastity.” —E. G. Swedin Swedin, E. G. (2003). Healing souls: Psychotherapy in the Latter-day Saint community. University of Illinois Press. pg 155-6
LDS Church Relief Society President Amy Lyman Brown Health article on not overreacting to masturbation which can be found at my site: https://www.danielaburgess.com/blog/2018/09/the-unintelligent-parent.html or here: Relief Society Magazine: Guide Lessons For April 1927 Lesson IV Social Service (Fourth Week in April).
Book Review: Period Repair Manual by Lara Briden
Period Repair Manual Review
The Improving Intimacy book recommendation and reviews are written by Latter-day Saints giving a gospel-centered perspective. This book review is provided by both Kelsey Henry and Julie Burgess. They both have very positive things to say about the “Period Repair Manual” by Dr. Lara Briden. Which is one of our most popular book recommendations.
Kelsey Henry says:
I give this book 5 stars!! I learned about Dr. Briden's research from my parents, who attended the Rocky Mountain Sex Summit in November 2019 where she was the keynote presenter. The first thing that caught me about what my parents were sharing was her claim that hormonal birth control (The Pill and hormonal IUDs, mostly), is majorly messing with women's health. I have been struggling with anxiety for most of my life, and it's been pretty bad recently. I also have very bad excema. I of course I wondered if those were among one of the many issues caused by hormonal birth control. I wouldn't describe my "wonder," however, as a hopeful one that looked forward to more information. No, when I read what my parents were sharing, I was quite upset. "Well, I'm screwed." I thought. "So it's either have all these terrible health issues or have children when you aren't planning on them. Great." If that's your initial reaction to the information Lara is sharing, never fear! This book will help you understand your options.
While the book is titled "Period Repair Manual," another title for it could be "Join the Period Revolution!" It talks about more than just PMS and bleeding. I learned what women's health should ideally look like, from everything to period regularity, to diet, to emotions. If you've ever wondered about birth control and its effect on your body and emotions, I highly recommend this book! A few dollars is a GREAT investment in your overall health, and she freely shares loads of research as well as the very same methods she uses with her clients. A period is a vital sign of a woman's health, and Dr. Briden is here to teach you why, along with HOW to help your period be what it needs to be. You'll learn about her approach to all types of periods: non-existent, late, early, heavy, painful, mid-cycle bleeding (yes, it's a thing), and many more. She talks about PMS and getting rid of the stigma that being "hormonal" is bad, as well as the notion that your periods don't have to cause such bad PMS that it prohibits you from enjoying your normal daily activities. She teaches you why and how to love your period. If that seems totally crazy, but you'd like to give it a try, read the book! I wish I had known about it sooner and now I feel strongly I should share it with every woman!
Julie Burgess Says:
You know how when your heart is searching for answers, they come at you from many different places at once?
When I started this blog, it was because I was in search of something that worked. And I thought I'd found the answer in the Paleo lifestyle. Unfortunately, over the years, that success didn't last. No matter how carefully I crafted our Paleo meals, I was gaining fat. So, I turned to macro counting. And for a while, that worked -- until it didn't.
I wasn't sure what was going wrong. I had my bloodwork done. I worked out harder. I increased my protein and decreased my carbs and fats. I weighed and measured and tracked.
BUT I WAS ALWAYS HUNGRY.
I was incredibly frustrated. I felt that someone who works out as hard as I do, who eats as healthy as I do, should be lean and strong. My body fat should be lower. If anything, I should be able to maintain, not watching the number on the scale and the measuring tape go up -- not getting too big around the waistline for my clothes. In addition, my digestive troubles had returned. My trouble with constipation became a daily battle, despite all the vegetables and the fluid intake. I worried that it was out of my control, due to my menopausal body. Or maybe my estrogen patches were to blame. Or perhaps there was an unseen problem, linked to my family history of diabetes and hypothyroidism, and breast cancer. But I didn't want to be doomed to a pudgy middle! I want the way I look on the outside to reflect the things I feel are important on the inside.
Last month, we brought all our kids (and one grandkid!) together for Thanksgiving. I had a great conversation with my son-in-law (Ballerina's husband) about nutrition. He asked lots of questions with great enthusiasm. One of the things he asked struck me deeply -- he wondered what I would change about my current eating habits if I didn't have such strict restrictions on my macros. My answer wasn't that I wanted to sit around eating chocolate or chips or ice cream. I just wanted to add a piece of toast with breakfast. I wanted to not be afraid of oatmeal. I wanted to be able to eat an entire piece of fruit, instead of only being allowed to eat half. Most of all, I wanted to stop feeling hungry all the time. My meals were tasty, but not satisfying. It never felt like enough food.
During that week, Ballerina talked with me about intuitive eating -- about honoring my body's hunger, and not being afraid of food. I was nervous about that, but there was something in the idea that gave me hope.
Then I started reading Period Repair Manual, by Lara Briden. Even though I've had a hysterectomy, I found her book riveting. My uterus and ovaries were removed in 2008 due to endometriosis. There wasn't much research to guide me to other alternatives then. But I thought perhaps her research could still help me.
I started to think about the fact that the human body is remarkably self-healing, with the right circumstances. A few years ago, I cut off the tip of my finger while chopping chard. The doctor at the ER stitched it back on, but my exit instructions weren't very clear. I thought I was supposed to keep the ointment and gauze on my finger until I came back for stitches-removal. I changed the dressing each day, but I kept it carefully bandaged and splinted for two weeks, as I believed I'd been instructed. After two weeks passed, my finger was just as gross and soft and unhealed as the day I cut it. The nurse who saw me told me I was supposed to expose it to air. She told me to come back in a week, and to leave the bandage off. In just a couple of days, my mushy finger started to heal. It was pretty yucky looking for a while, and the nerves still aren't 100% the same, but I didn't lose my finger.
Could I create the right circumstances for my body to heal? Why is it storing fat? Why isn't it eliminating waste? Why am I hungry all the time, in spite of eating plenty of satisfying protein and vegetables?
Dr. Briden writes:
Hunger is normal, natural, and healthy. Hunger is how your body gets the nutrition it needs ... Don't fight your hunger. Instead, honor it by giving your body substantial, satisfying meals.
Later, she cautions against viewing certain foods as dangerous:
Please do not fall into the trap of becoming too rigid or fearful of food. That can lead you into a downward spiral of undereating or being afraid to eat out or visit friends.
It was as if she were speaking directly to me. She goes on to discuss the need for carbohydrates:
You deserve to feel satisfied and be fully nourished. As a woman, you need more food than you've been led to believe.
The more I read, the more I realized -- I haven't known how to create the right circumstances. Armed with better information, perhaps now I can. I'm all done measuring and weighing and tracking my macros. I'm all done feeling hungry all the dang time. Ignoring hunger is not a virtue. Hunger is your body's signal that it requires fuel. Starches are not evil. Potatoes and oats and bananas are not scary foods.
Over the past couple of weeks, I've been nervous that I would pile on the pounds now that I'm not restricting my food intake. But it hasn't happened. I feel happier. And I feel hopeful.
Betrayal Trauma and Recovery
Betrayal trauma is disheartening and destructive. It is critical to be a trauma informed therapist when working with clients who have been abused.
I will never forget the evening I met with ‘Devon’ and ‘Emma’, a couple seeking support for “communication issues.” The moment they sat in front of me I knew something wasn’t right. Only those who have experienced the insidiousness of covert narcissisms and gaslighting can understand and appreciate what I saw in this couples’ dynamic. But it was simultaneously so subtle and pervasive, that it felt surreal and nauseating. Immediately, I requested to meet with them separately. Devon, as I expected, was reluctant and frustrated. I was not surprised that Emma responded uncomfortably. Those who have been in Emma’s shoes know how risky it is to have their abuser separated in these situations. What proceeded over the next few weeks and months was a carefully laid out action plan to protect and support Emma from ten years of emotional and spiritual abuse.
Prior to meeting with me, the husband had leveraged meetings with ecclesiastical leadership as ‘counseling’ in order to perpetuate his abuse. He knew his leadership was not trained to identify abuse, and so he was able to manipulate his ecclesiastical leadership. Unfortunately these loving Bishops who thought they were promoting a healthy relationship were perpetuating an environment of abuse. One of the ways the husband manipulated his leadership was that he convinced them to have him present at all meetings with his wife; this allowed him to control the narrative by fabricating, gaslighting and embellishing detailed lies. The only reason why Devon and Emma finally came to a marriage therapist was because their current Bishop was at his wits end and didn’t know what else to do after years of repeated issues. Devon reluctantly decided to see a counselor, at the insistence of his bishop, but purposely chose a male therapist—assuming he could ‘win’ me over. Fortunately for the wife, I have been trained in and have experience identifying abusive behaviors.
Navigating this discovery of abuse was a fragile line to walk as a therapist. If Devon knew I was on to him, he could invent an elaborate lie to either switch therapists or stop seeing a therapist altogether. Inherently, as a therapist and a human-being, I desired the safety and well-being of Emma. In short, I’m happy to say that Emma was able to eventually distance herself from the husband, heal, and learn to see and identify these dangerous behaviors. It wasn’t a fast and easy process for her, but I am happy to report that she is now thriving, self-aware, and learning how to live within healthy boundaries.
Betrayal trauma—and abuse of any kind—needs to be taken seriously and navigated by those who are experienced with this type of abuse. What is so dangerous about emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, and betrayal is that it is hard to put your finger on it. The abuser usually has spent years crafting lies and stories, leading the abused individual to struggle with identifying reality. If you feel you are in a relationship like this, trust your gut. Additionally, I would recommend reading Dr. Susan Forward’s book Emotional Blackmail which I’ve linked at the end of the article. You can also find a summary of the book’s concepts here: Emotional Blackmail website: Out of the F.O.G.
For the Ecclesiastical leaders, friends, and family reading this: you can support your loved ones by learning as much as you can about how to identify emotional, spiritual, and betrayal abuse. There is a significant amount of research and information available now and I’ve linked to some of those resources at the end of this article. While there are many good resources, there are also significant amounts of really bad and dangerous information. Unfortunately, there are many betrayal trauma therapists and support groups, which I believe are well-intended—but they fail to adequately distinguish abuse from maladaptive relationships.
Over the years I have worked with many couples who have experienced betrayal. There are few things in a relationship that are more devastating than to discover your loved one has been unfaithful. Fortunately for a large majority of those I've worked with, the betrayal and abuse have not been as severe as Devon and Emma’s, and not only was healing experienced but a thriving marriage became possible.
However, for those couples who struggled to experience healing and eventually separated—there was one common factor. Even with all the complexities involved in betrayal and recovery, the consistent factor in each case was the wife* was seeing a "betrayal trauma" therapist or following a betrayal trauma support group. More specifically, when the betrayed partner views the betrayal in the context of betrayal trauma theories, the betrayer is villainized with little or no opportunity to improve, change, or repent of their behavior. Furthermore, the couple is further divided with little to no skills learned or acquired in order to overcome and work together through the betrayal successfully.
*I emphasize “wife” here not to perpetuate stereotypes, but to reflect on the fact that the large majority of these support groups are female-centric.
As an advocate of support groups, I'm a huge believer in finding groups to help navigate a variety of mental health issues. However—from my professional experience and research—it appears that for a majority of betrayal trauma counselors and support groups, the good they are offering is too frequently drowned out by toxic or harmful views. In a recent broadcast by “Rethinking Porn Addiction,” Nate and Angilyn Bagley share their personal experience with betrayal along with some of the best experts on the topic. They discovered how viewing their partner through a betrayal trauma lens was doing more harm than good for them individually and as a couple.
I am sure there are exceptions out there, but from a deep dive into multiple programs and interviews, there is a visible pattern of skewed and misrepresented psychology. Some groups and/or individuals have even outright declared that only women can experience betrayal. In most cases these groups escalate trauma in the wife, promote unhealthy stereotypes, and demonize the husband. I want to be clear—I am not categorically saying all betrayal trauma therapists and groups are harmful, but caution must be used in what resources and therapist to use. In a podcast with Anarie we discussed the benefits of betrayal trauma work and how to find the right resources; learn more here: Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Journey and Betrayal Trauma: Anarie's Definition of Success.
The psychological construct that is often in these groups is taught as a dogmatic narrative. The husband can never be good enough and regardless of the husband’s desire to heal and improve—they are viewed as gaslighters, narcissists, and horrible people. Although we are never responsible for other’s behavior, these groups promote a discouraging concept that husbands have no right to be hurt or negatively influenced by the wife's abusive behavior. These groups for the most part do not educate or encourage improved relationship behavior, rather cold and harsh criticism under the guise of “boundaries”. In fact, I am confident that anyone who has been through betrayal trauma counseling will label this very post as arrogant, manipulative, and gaslighting.
The term ‘gaslighting’ has almost completely lost its meaning due to various definitions or uses ranging from the wide and loosely applied description given to anyone accidentally misspeaking, to identifying literal gaslighters whose entire purpose is to make one feel and believe they are sick and crazy. The term ‘gaslight’ has become a catch-all phrase and is weaponized to the point that people accuse others of gaslighting because they disagree with them. Other terms like narcissist and sociopath are quickly becoming overused to describe people who experience any emotion differently. My heart breaks over seeing mothers in these betrayal trauma groups refer to their difficult teenager as ‘gaslighting’ and struggling spouses attempting to emotionally connect as abusers. The sad irony is that those who misuse the term ‘gaslighting’ are often the ones doing the very thing they are labeling and accusing others of doing.
Alfred MacDonald has one of the best explanations of the misuse of gaslighting, in his article, “Gaslighting: what it isn’t”:
If you wish to apply gaslighting to a set of behaviors, simply discrediting someone’s emotions doesn’t qualify as gaslighting. The litmus test for gaslighting by all authoritative definitions has been a dishonest and manipulative attempt to deny reality to the person on the receiving end of gaslighting. So, for example, an attempt to make that person believe that actions which most certainly happened haven’t actually happened. You can understand how some people would get the impression that calling someone crazy qualifies as this, because someone could say “you’re crazy, that never happened” — but merely telling someone they are being dramatic does not qualify as abuse, in any way, nor does telling someone they are being too sensitive qualify as abuse on its own.
Let me reiterate: no matter what you define gaslighting as, telling someone they are being dramatic or too sensitive or that they can’t take a joke in no way, shape or form qualifies as abuse on its own. Even repeatedly. There must be an aspect of denial of a factual event integrated with the accusations of oversensitivity.
To clarify what I mean by “denial of a factual event”, I have constructed a set of examples to distinguish between actual gaslighting and not gaslighting at all.
Actual gaslighting: A wife witnesses her husband cheating on her. He starts an ongoing campaign to make her believe this event was false and that her perception of reality is incorrect. “No, you’re crazy.” When she insists that she saw what she saw, he retorts with “why are you being so emotional?”
Not gaslighting: A husband repeatedly tells jokes that offend his wife. “Why are you being so sensitive?”, he asks. “You take offense to things way too easily.” She starts to doubt her own judgment — but not because of any abusive reason.
Actual gaslighting: A boyfriend and girlfriend are having an intense argument when he hits her repeatedly. Several days later, she calls the police, but there is no proof. He insists that she is delusional to the police. When she confronts him about this in private, he insists that she imagined it, and repeatedly calls her crazy for recalling the event. She begins to doubt her own memory.
Not gaslighting: James is dating Rebecca, whose political ideology he opposes. James frequently comments on Rebecca’s articles with dramatic and overblown emotional language. Rebecca insists that he’s being overly emotional, and that he should stop doing that. He says she’s trying to diminish the importance of his point by gaslighting him.
Actual gaslighting: A son witnesses his mom snorting meth in the pantry, when he previously did not know his mom did drugs at all. Since this event is so anomalous, he has a hard time believing it. She insists that he imagined it — she was just dusting the pantry. But since this image was so vivid, he insists he believed it. She starts to discredit his statement, saying that he is delusional, that he is too emotional, and that he doesn’t have a grip on reality. He begins to doubt his own sense of reality and she uses this as a basis for additional lies.
It is heartbreaking to see couples who have experienced heartache and betrayal get led down a path of escalating trauma from support groups who claim to help individuals heal from trauma. For example, ‘Jason’ came to me, weighed down by his guilt that he was having romantic thoughts of another woman at work. There was never any inappropriate conversation, nor inappropriate behavior on his part. However, while at work one day he was wondering why he was feeling attracted to this coworker which led him to a series of thoughts that made him realize how distant he and his wife had become over 20 years. He craved meaningful conversations and felt dismissed by his wife a lot. On many occasions, he attempted to open his heart to her but she never engaged. Knowing he needed to figure out how to reconnect with his wife ‘Laural’, he decided to bring her to counseling. They quickly made connections with some basic guidance and psychoeducation. With some minor and expected difficulty, both Jason and Laural were on a path to a new and improved relationship. However, what success they gained was quickly reversed when Laural’s individual counselor told her she was betrayed by Jason and that he had had an “emotional affair.”
Laural and Jason went from rekindling love and flourishing in weekly date nights to Laural setting firm boundaries and impossible expectations. Over the course of a year, Laurel’s behavior would escalate to spying on Jason, accusing him of seeing this coworker, and reporting to authorities that she was concerned he might kill her and the kids. Jason was not, nor had he ever been, a violent person. Aside from mild to high frustration with work and raising kids, he has never been aggressive in any way to indicate she or the kids were in danger. But because Laural had been learning about covert narcissism and how the “good guys” are the most dangerous, she began to view Jason through a distorted lens. Any time Jason attempted to meet Laural’s expectations, he was accused of manipulating her. Whenever he failed to meet Laural’s expectations, she accused him of not caring.
While each relationship is different, Laural and Jason's example is not the exception or rarity. Both Jason and Laural had very different communication styles and they both came from very different family cultures—but they were two great people who had an opportunity to change and improve their relationship. Instead of viewing Jason’s humbling discovery as an opportunity to reset and rediscover each other, his discovery was viewed as an impossible obstacle to overcome. It’s essential to learn healthy boundaries, identify red flags, and to NEVER tolerate abusive behavior. But it is equally important to learn healthy marital connection, vulnerability, and recovery; which help identify red flags and establish healthy boundaries. These can be taught parallelly in a productive way. Focusing on betrayal only increases toxic behavior from both partners, in a self-fulling way. Focusing on recovery only runs the risk of ignoring dangerous behavior.
Marriage and parenting are, in my opinion, two of the most ill-prepared activities we humans engage in. Yet we demand our spouses to be expert communicators, lovers, and partners. When marriages get tough, many couples seem to expect far more from each other than they ever have examples of doing. It doesn’t matter what 20-plus years of family origin culture, triggers, and poor coping skills each has lived with—couples demand so much, so quickly, with little or no understanding of how to have to a good marriage. Furthermore, couples often have a skewed or unrealistic view of what a healthy loving marriage looks and feels like.
Betrayal should never happen—and there are definitely individuals who are narcissists and need to be cut off—but the large majority, at least in my experience, of those who experience betrayal in some way are good people and/or couples who have suffered from years of unhealthy communication, clashing of family cultures, poor understanding of sexual health, and a lack of knowledge for how to get quality help. Everyone deserves an opportunity to heal and thrive. Great marriages can leverage difficult experiences, including betrayal, to reshape their partnership into something more positive than they ever knew could happen. I have seen it repeatedly.
Again, I am not discouraging all betrayal trauma groups or therapists. I’ve spoken to a few who have found great value in these resources, without allowing it to become the lens they viewed their spouse through. They equally pursued engaging and healthy improvements—as a team—in their marriage.
If you have had a positive experience with a betrayal therapist or group, I would appreciate your referral/recommendation so I can add to a list of trusted therapists.
If you’re interested in learning more about recovering from betrayal or other hurtful relationship problems in a healthy way, please feel free to reach out.
Schedule Daniel for a presentation at your Ward, Stake or Conference.
Additional resources:
Summary of Book and additional resources:
Here is a summary of the book: "Emotional Blackmail" patterns.
Find the full book here: Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Emotional Blackmail website: Out of the F.O.G.
Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
When do I say yes to marriage?
"The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through 'hanging out' or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007, 70–73).
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
When do I say yes to marriage?
"The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through 'hanging out' or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse’s behavior in a variety of circumstances" (Dallin H. Oaks, "Divorce," Ensign, May 2007, 70–73).
There is no magic crystal ball to determine if you and your partner are ready to marry. However, there are healthy ways to help assess your readiness for marriage. When I use the term “readiness,” I am more referring to the probability of success. Because truth be told no one is “ready for marriage.” Even among the best of friendships, marriage is challenging. But if you can enter that sacred union with the right tools, awareness, and trust, those challenges can be lighter. The following is a tool to determine one’s readiness for marriage, which has been used by each of my daughters and countless clients. Take note that I am emphasizing “readiness.” This is NOT a tool to determine if you or your partner should say “yes”.
There are 3 sections to the questions; 1. Self-readiness for marriage (18 questions), 2. Should WE get married (13 questions), 3. Future of marriage (7 questions). These are not intended as “yes” or “no” questions. If you complete these questions in a few minutes or even an hour, you are not using the tool to its full potential. It also could mean there is avoidance to the questions. If you struggle to go deep with the questions, how can you expect to connect with yourself and your partner, and navigate the complexities and challenges of marriage? Take your time, be meditative and prayerful as you reflect and ponder each question.
It is my belief and experience the first section is the MOST important to reflect on. If you do not understand yourself — if you don’t have a solid grasp of your own identity as a child of God and as a unique individual — what then are you bringing to the marriage? How will you keep from losing yourself, becoming enmeshed, when life challenges are thrown at you and your relationship? In nearly every struggling relationship I have worked with I hear the following phrase, “I no longer know who I am.” Sometimes I hear “I never knew who I was…”. These were/are good people, faithful individuals who lost their identity in the relationship.
Take your time in sincerely pondering each question.
Self-readiness for marriage:
Do I enjoy being alone or do I have the constant need to be with my partner?
Do I enjoy being with my partner or am I often looking forward to having time without my partner?
How do I define my happiness and who I am right now?
How does getting married change that definition?
What does it mean to me to be married?
What are the advantages of being single?
What are the advantages of being married?
What are the disadvantages of being single?
What are the disadvantages of being married?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am alone?
Am I happy with who I am; spiritually, physically, emotionally, intellectually while I am in a relationship?
Does loving my partner inspire me to be a “better person”, to seek a stronger individual relationship with the Savior?
Do I feel like my partner makes me a “better person” while I am with him/her? (This is a potential warning sign of codependency and controlling behavior, or an inappropriate dependence on another to feel motivated to be better.)
Is my relationship greater with Christ and Heavenly Father than with my partner?
What scares me about marriage?
What excites me about marriage?
Am I pushing aside fears, anxieties, and feelings of being overwhelmed regarding marriage by admonishing myself to have greater faith?
Do I ever feel like I have to hide or pretend I am not feeling/experiencing an emotion?
"Bruce C. Hafen has compared relationships between men and women to a pyramid. The base of the pyramid is friendship, and the ascending layers include building blocks such as understanding, respect, and restraint. At the very top is what he terms a 'glittering little mystery called romance.' If one tries to stand the pyramid on its point, expecting romance to hold everything else up, the pyramid will fall ("The Gospel and Romantic Love," Ensign, Oct. 1982, p. 67)" (Jonn D. Claybaugh, "Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends," Ensign, Apr 1994, 19).
2. Should WE get married:
Are you able to completely share all your dreams and desires with your partner?
Do you find yourself deferring to your partner for decision making, ideas, and interests? (Potential of losing one’s individuality)
Are you able to openly, lovingly, maturely, and respectfully discuss sex with your partner prior to marriage?
What is your sexual history: knowledge, understanding, experience?
What do you imagine or believe physical intimacy will be defined as or acceptable in your relationship?
What do you feel is appropriate or not appropriate sexual behavior?
Are you able to share all addictions (out of control behavior, weaknesses, and perceived flaws) safely and without reservation with your partner?
Do you or have you struggled with drugs/substances (whether legal or illegal)?
Do you or have you struggled with any sexual issues:
Do you or have you struggled with pornography?
Do you or have you struggled with masturbation?
Do you or have you struggled with persistent inappropriate thoughts?
Do you or have you struggled with financial issues?
Do you or have you struggled with gambling?
Do you or have you struggled with debt?
Do you or have you struggled with gaming?
Do you or have you struggled with anger?
Do you or have you struggled with lying?
Are there things that you are not open about because you feel it’s been resolved, it’s history, or has been repented of, or believe will not be a problem going forward or in marriage?
Do you ever feel you have to withhold opinions, silliness, thoughts, dreams, personality, fashion, or creativity from your partner?
Do you feel you need to apologize for your partner’s actions or behaviors?
Does your partner’s behavior or actions ever embarrass you?
Does your partner ever treat you in such a way that you feel ashamed or embarrassed?
Have you been open about your mental health history?
Trauma?
Medications?
Recurring issues?
Do you believe and feel your partner is completely open and transparent in all their thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions?
Are you friends? Or are there miscommunications, disagreements, and lack of connection?
Do you have a “testimony” of your relationship and marriage; a peaceful and clear heart and mind? (If someone were to ask you, “How do you know the gospel is true?” you would likely respond, “I just know,” or “I have a testimony,” or “I have felt a witness of the Holy Ghost.” The answer to “How do I know if I should marry?” is “You just know.” The Holy Ghost will witness it to you as clearly and strongly as He did when witnessing the truth of the gospel to you.)
(Be cautious if you are tempted to dismiss stupors of thought, concerns, anxiousness, lack of clarity, etc. as lack of faith or fear. Anxiety or stupors of thought or a lack of peace and clarity are some of the tools of the Holy Ghost to help us identify unwise choices. Fear is very different; one can be very clear in mind and heart and fear the decision. But if you are not feeling peace and clarity it is a witness that something is not right. Additionally, when it comes to marriage, if there is fear, that individual must either overcome that fear on their own with Father, or NOT marry. Entering marriage with fear will create resentment and problems. If someone other than Father “guides” you or “helps” you through the fear, it is a form of self-betrayal and also has a high probability to create resentment in the marriage.)
"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty" (President Gordon B. Hinckley "Life's Obligations," Ensign, Feb 1999, 2).
3. Future of marriage:
What are your plans and goals beyond the wedding and reception?
What are your short term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
What are your long term goals as a couple; temporal and spiritual?
Do you have individual goals; temporal and spiritual?
In what ways will you support each other’s dreams and aspirations?
If any of your or your spouse’s addictions or issues reoccur during the marriage, specifically how will it be addressed, handled and, if possible, overcome?
Will you be able to love, adore, and cherish your spouse even in what can be perceived as annoying behavior without the feeling need to change, criticize, tease, or complain?
Copyright © 2017 Daniel A. Burgess, MA LMFT. All Rights Reserved. “Marriage Readiness Questions” danielaburgess.com Copyright
The Ideal and the Real: a Reading of Genesis 38 and Judah
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
All right, fellow Latter-day Saints, let’s have a talk about sexual sins and how we react to them. This is all brought on by this week's Come Follow Me lesson on Alma 39, which has been used as the preeminent scriptural text on how serious sexual sins are. I'm talking about Alma 39:5 "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?" This verse has traditionally been used to equate sexual immorality next to murder.
Except, does it really mean what we think it means?
I will go over this quickly, as I want to spend most of my time on another scripture passage instead, so I encourage you to read what Michael Ash wrote about Alma 39:5 HERE as well as what my friends at Book of Mormon Central have written about the same thing HERE. Their argument is basically this: Alma was not necessarily equating sexual immorality to the sin next to murder. Rather, that leading others into apostasy is practically "murdering their spirits" and thus that is the sin next to murder. We can see this in Alma 36:13-14 "yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments. Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction." Alma caused many people to go down the road of apostasy because he led them astray, and we see he considered his actions to be a form of spiritual murder. Turning to Alma 39 we see that Corianton "abandoned the ministry" (Alma 39:3, 4 & 16) and his actions with the harlot Isabel persuaded the Zoramites to apostatize ("when they saw your conduct they would not believe in my words." (Alma 39:11)). Thus, Corianton's sin was grievous not simply because he had a sexual encounter with a harlot (though, we should recognize that the text is not explicit that he actually did); but because of his actions with Isabel, the Zoramites recognized his hypocrisy and refused to believe the prophet. Mormon is quick to point out that the Zoramites' apostasy is the reason why the great war started (Alma 43:4-5). Their spiritual rebellion leads to social-political rebellion and a terrible military conflict for the Nephites, Lamanites, and Zoramites that lasts for 22 years.
Just so I am not misunderstood, neither myself, BMC or Ash are saying that sexual sins are not serious. Sexual immorality in its many forms can have very profound, drastic, and grievous consequences; and ancient and modern prophets have consistently preached sexual purity as the Lord's standard. Next, I just want to put this out there. When we discuss sexual immorality as Latter-day Saints we tend to weigh any and every sexual sin the same. I will not delve into this here, but if you ask me, pornography use is very different and distinct from pre-marital sex which is very different and distinct from having an extra-marital affair. The consequences and ramifications for each are different, yet we generally tend to lump them all together. My friend, Daniel Burgess, has contributed a lot to this conversation. Again, I don't have the time to get into it, so I will direct you to his blog HERE.
At last, we get to the meat of what I want to talk about today: a reading of Genesis 38, the Joseph in Egypt Narrative, and a good look at the character Judah. I have to give a lot of credit to Ben Spackman for providing the foundation of this reading — in his blog on the Sunday school lessons he addresses Gen 38. I have built heavily on and expanded what he wrote. You can see some of what he has written HERE, HERE and HERE.
The Ideal and the Real: Joseph and Judah in Egypt
Genesis chapters 37-50 are one cohesive story, but when we study it we typically cut it into two pieces, and we throw out Genesis 38 because it’s just weird. This, I think, causes us to miss the important story markers that connect the chapters at the beginning to the chapters at the end. Also, Gen 38 is one of my favorite chapters in the whole Old Testament because of what it does to Judah's character. I really think Judah is the hero of the story (the whole Joseph in Egypt story), a hero that we overlook because we only focus on Joseph. Judah represents the real human, while Joseph is an ideal human. I think we can all, and shouldn’t be ashamed, to see Judah in all of us.
In Genesis 37 we are introduced to Joseph — the dreamer, and favorite of his father — and we also meet his jealous brothers. Joseph tells his family about his dreams. I think we tend to idealize Joseph and ignore how much of a brat he is about all this. Additionally, I think revenge is on his mind when he sees in brothers in Egypt, and not a "test to see if they changed". But that is an aspect of the story that I don't want to focus on for our purposes today. Joseph, after all, represents the ideal, so we can keep him that way. Joseph never does wrong, keep that in mind. When Joseph went out to the fields to visit his brothers, and they conspired to initially kill him, Ruben, the eldest son, persuaded them to just throw him in a pit (Genesis 38:20–22). Ruben is the oldest, therefore he is supposed to be the leader. But his leadership fails. It is Judah, though, who takes charge of the brothers and changes the plan. “What profit is it if we slay our brother, and conceal his blood? Come, and let us sell him to the Ishmeelites, and let not our hand be upon him; for he is our brother and our flesh. And his brethren were content” (Genesis 37:26–27). Judah is perfectly content with selling another human being.
Joseph is then sold as a slave. His precious coat is torn and presented to Jacob. The brothers ask Jacob to “know now whether it be thy son’s coat or no” (Genesis 37:32). The Hebrew root for the word “know” is nakar which means to know, recognize, discern.[1] This word is important as it’s the word the connects all the chapters together. It is then in Genesis 38 that the story moves to Judah and Tamar. Some scholars have argued that this chapter represents an interruption in the Joseph narrative,[2] yet it has several prominent features that contribute to a unity of the larger narrative in Genesis 37–48. In Genesis 38, Tamar marries Er, the son of Judah. For whatever reason, God smites him and he dies. Following the not-yet-codified levirate law of marriage[3] in order to raise a child for the lost son Er, Tamar marries Judah’s next son, Onan. While the KJV beats around the bush, but the NRSV clearly states what his sin is (Gen 38:9 NRSV). Onan has sex with Tamar but pulls out in order to prevent her from having a child that would legally not be his. Thus, he too is killed by God. Judah, having lost two sons refused to give his third son to Tamar, “lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren did” (Genesis 38:11). Because Judah would not give his next son to Tamar, the duty of raising a child in the name of Er falls to Judah himself. To get Judah to fulfill his culturally acceptable obligations Tamar crafts a plan. She dresses up as a harlot and encounters Judah. He begins the negotiations to a sexual encounter, but since he has nothing to give her, Tamar requests his signet, bracelet and staff as a “pledge,” or “surety.” This is equivalent to what we would call a security deposit. They agree that Judah would later bring a goat to her as payment and she would return his signet, bracelet and staff. Judah is perfectly content to buy another human being.
Judah conducts his business, and Tamar goes her way never coming back to collect the goat. (An important detail connecting this chapter to the rest is that a goat is used in the deception plot, first to Jacob by the brothers, and now by Tamar to deceive Judah) Months later, when Judah finds out she is pregnant he summons her so that she may be executed by fire (Genesis 38:24). Yet, Tamar produces Judah’s signet, bracelet and staff and says “Discern, I pray thee, whose are these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff” (Genesis 38:25). Here we see the same root, nakar, translated as “discern.” These two instances are the only times this word appears in this same form in the entire Bible, and not by chance, this is a deliberate connection. We see the same root appear again in Gen 42:7-8, discernment is a theme running through all these chapters. Judah recognizes his error and pronounces a blessing for her and a condemnation for himself. “She hath been more righteous than I” (Genesis 38:26). This is a sincere recognition of his guilt. According to 1 Chron. 4:21 the first son of Shelah was named Er, thus supporting the notion that Judah did eventually let Tamar marry Shelah and that his first son was given to the line of dead brother thus fulfilling that law. Judah not only recognized his wrong, he accepted it and he corrected it.
The next time we see Judah he is a completely changed person.
The narrative then moves to Joseph in Egypt. First, he is in Potiphar’s house, where Potiphar’s wife tries to seduce Joseph (Genesis 39:12). This event is meant to be juxtaposed with Judah’s actions in Genesis 38. Often, Joseph is praised as the ideal that everyone should aspire to be like, since he flees from temptation. We are constantly taught to be like Joseph, especially in sexual matters. I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with holding this high ideal. However, I think we can see sometimes that when kids hear “be like Joseph” but then when they make a mistake they may think they can never go back to being like Joseph. This ideal standard is just not the reality for many good kids. On the other hand, Judah embodies reality. Everyone makes mistakes, even grave ones, yet there is still room for redemption. Let us continue.
Joseph is then imprisoned until he interprets Pharaoh’s dream of the seven years of plenty and seven years of famine. Pharaoh promotes Joseph to be in charge of preparations for the famine. After the famine begins, Joseph’s brothers go to Egypt to buy food. Joseph recognizes his brothers, but they don’t recognize him (Genesis 42:7–8). The word nakar appears here again. During the first visit, Joseph takes Simeon hostage until they bring Benjamin to him (Genesis 42:20, 24). It is during Joseph’s tests of his brothers that we see the repentant man Judah has become. Back in Canaan, the family runs out of food and they must go back to Egypt. Jacob does not consent to Ruben’s pleading to let them take Benjamin (Genesis 42:36–38). Again, Ruben is supposed to be the leader, but he fails a second time. It is Judah who successfully persuades Jacob to release Benjamin into his care. “And Judah said unto Israel his father, Send the lad with me, and we will arise and go; that we may live, and not die, both we, and thou, and also our little ones. I will be surety for him; of my hand shalt thou require him: if I bring him not unto thee, and set him before thee, then let me bear the blame for ever” (Genesis 43:8–9). Jacob believes he has lost two sons, yet Judah successfully persuades him to surrender a third son. This is juxtaposed with Judah's own actions regarding his sons and Tamar in Gen 38. Back in Egypt, Joseph ensnares Benjamin in a plot. It is Judah’s heartfelt pleading (Genesis 44:18–34) that ultimately persuades Joseph to give up his ruse and reveal himself to his brothers. Judah has the longest monologue in the book of Genesis, thus his words are special. This is not the same Judah who used and abused other people in the past. He is a different, more noble man, because he recognized the gravity of his sins and repented. Where before, Judah was willing to sell and buy other people, here we see Judah is willing to put forward himself as the price or “surety” (another word that shows up here and Gen 38) for another person. Not only does he say he is willing to do so, but when Joseph ensnares Benjamin in the scheme, Judah demonstrates his complete willingness to become Joseph’s slave (Genesis 44:33). This is what finally makes Joseph break down and reveal himself. And they all live happily ever after.
As a side note, this whole narrative is etiological in that it explains how the tribes of Judah and Ephraim (Joseph) become the tribes that rule over the kingdoms of Israel, and why Ruben loses out on the leadership role. So even from an exegetical perspective, the Bible recognizes that Judah’s change in character is the reason why the kings come from him. Joseph is the ideal: never sin, always run from sin. Judah on the other hand is the real. We do sin. It is not ok to sin, because sin separates us from God. But if and when we sin, things can be made good and right. The power of Christ’s atonement reaches even sinners. This is clear from ancient and modern prophets. This is why I think us saints can all appreciate Judah, and that we need to see him as the hero of the story. In different ways we are all Judah. And if people who suffer from sexual sins (and any sin really) recognize that the scriptures depict Judah in all his wickedness rising with grace, I think that can be inspiring. It is especially the sexual nature of Judah’s sin with Tamar that is most applicable for the purposes of the subject of Alma 39. Even if people sin, the world is not permanently ruined, the power of Christ's atonement is still in effect if those people will use it, because it is truly infinite. There are of course consequences, but things can still be made right. That is the reality of things. We can hold to ideals, and we should. At the same time, we must recognize the reality of this fallen world: We are all sinners and come short of the glory of God, and yet no matter what our sins are and despite all, we do it is through the grace of Jesus that we are saved.
Guest post by: Tyson Yapias
Faithful member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Scholar, Chaplain, Marine and Soldier. I love Star Wars and Mormonism, as well as scriptural exegesis and theology.
[1] Francis Brown, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peapody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers, 1997), 647–48.[2] Harold W. Attridge et. al., The Harper Collins Study Bible (Sacramento: HarperCollins Publishers, 2006), 62.[3] The Law of Moses codifies this in Deuteronomy 25:5–10.
Improving Intimacy Book Club with Guest: Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife has graciously agreed to join us FOR ONE HOUR ONLY to share her amazing insights and answer questions! The book club hosts will select a small number of questions for Jennifer to answer.
Here are the podcast episodes used for Book Club:
Ask A Mormon Sex Therapist, Part 16 - THE oft-cited Episode 16 that has positively impacted so many marriages!
In this blog post, we have provided multiple ways to watch/listen to/read this interview:
Book Club Video Interview
Improving Intimacy in Latter-day Saint Relationships Podcast Episode
Book Club Video Transcript
The Full Transcript of the Podcast can be located here.
Bookclub Video Transcript:
00:00 Ray: So carry on.
00:03 Jennifer: Okay, so should I just jump in with the...
00:06 Ray: Yeah, please.
00:07 Jennifer: Yeah, sure. The only event, I think, that isn't currently full is just one that we kinda last minute decided to do because we had an opportunity, a venue, which is doing The Art of Desire workshop in Alpine, Utah next week, a week from Thursday and Friday. So it's a two-day women's workshop. It's like my most popular course and workshop because it's a course focused on women's self and sexual development, and kind of rethinking the whole paradigm in which we've been inculturated, and how it really interferes with desire and development.
00:48 Jennifer: And so, it's a good one, it's, you know, it's taking my dissertation research into everything I've kinda learned since then. So that's in Alpine and we just posted the tickets for sale like three or four days ago, and we still have maybe 20 spots left, so if anybody is interested in it, you can get a ticket. On my website actually, on my homepage.
01:15 Ray: Wonderful. At this point, I have to admit that I did exactly what Ellen and I talked about that I wouldn't do, which is forget to mention that our other host tonight is Ellen Hersam, and... [chuckle]
01:32 Ray: So we've been accepting questions for the last 24 hours, and we had several that came in and we have picked three or four that we might get to, I don't know, however many we're able to get to tonight.
01:44 Jennifer: Sure.
01:44 Daniel: And Ellen, why don't you pick up and can you give us a question?
01:48 Ellen: Sure. Happy to jump right in. Yeah, so we've got a few questions tonight. We thought we'd start off with this one. It's, "There's often debate around sex being a need or not, and how neediness isn't sexy, and how sex being a need kills desire. Yet many view sex as a need, not in life-or-death sense, but because they need that healthy sex life, helps them be happier both individually and as a couple. If sex isn't a need," so there's two parts here, "if sex isn't a need, what does this say about David Schnarch's Sexual Crucible?"
02:24 Ellen: "If any marriage would be improved by a healthy, intimate sexual relationship, how can it be said that sex isn't a need? If sex is a need, is... In this sense of being able to achieve personal growth, if I understand how Schnarch views marriage or the corresponding increase in marital satisfaction or individual happiness, how can we talk about its importance without killing desire? Or making one partner feel like it's their duty, instead of something they're doing for themselves, to increase their own happiness? I feel like if the couple isn't working toward a healthy sexual relationship, they're leaving something good and positive on the table, and missing a wonderful opportunity."
03:07 Jennifer: Okay, it's a good question, although I think the questioner is conflating the issue of... Well, I mean they're using the word "Need" in a way that kind of complicates it. I think when I say sex isn't a need, what I... If I have said that, what I mean is it's not a drive, it's not required for survival. Right? So a lot of times, people try to pressure their partner to have sex with them by putting it in the frame that they need it, meaning...
03:38 Jennifer: And my issue with that is if you're gonna talk about need, need is a way of trying to pressure their partner to manage and accommodate you without sort of taking responsibility for what you want. That's why I don't like it. So if you're gonna talk about need, then I'm thinking more about the issue of survival, and nobody needs sex to survive, 'cause as I've said, if that were true, there'd be a lot of dead people in our wards. And...
04:03 Ray: Oh my goodness.
04:04 Daniel: Maybe that's a good thing. [laughter] [overlapping conversation]
04:10 Daniel: And so Jennifer, is what I'm hearing you say is, is more of a manipulative tone...
04:16 Jennifer: Yes.
04:17 Daniel: Tone? Okay.
04:18 Jennifer: Yeah, exactly. And as soon as you start trying to manipulate, which many people do this, the higher-desire person tends to do this... And men are given that script a lot, that they need sex and so on. But as Mormons, we should be the least prone to that idea because we are fine, from a theological perspective, with people going without sex for their whole lives. Okay? So, now that said, I think sex is a part of thriving. Intimate sex is a part of thriving. It's part of a marriage thriving, and I wouldn't so much say that you must have sex in order for a marriage to be good. I wouldn't... Also, I wouldn't say you need for a marriage to be good in order to have sex.
05:04 Jennifer: I'm just saying that marriage... Meaning good sex is a part of thriving, but good sex is not something you manipulate or pressure into place. And lots of people try and don't believe me when I say that. [chuckle] So we all want to be desired, but the hard thing about being desired is you can't make somebody desire you.
05:28 Jennifer: Desire is a grace. And the more we try to control it and get somebody to give it to us, the less desirable we are. And the more that it feels like an obligation, or you're having sex with your partner just to get them off your back, or to get them to stop bugging you, or moping, or you know, whatever, and even if you get the sex you still don't feel desired. And so it's tough, it's a tough business, because the very thing we want, we don't have control over getting, we only have control over how desirable we are. 06:04 Ellen: So part of their question that I think I wanna highlight a little bit, is they say, "How can we talk about its importance without killing desire?" So without...
06:13 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, because people are talking about its importance as a way to manipulate often. Right?
06:18 Ellen: Mm-hmm.
06:20 Jennifer: Like they're just saying it like... I was working with a couple of recently, and it was sort of, you know, "I'm focused on this marriage growing, that's why I wanna try all these new things with you." And so, they are using the idea of their standing up for a good marriage as a way to pressure the other person.
06:37 Ellen: Yes, so not making it manipulative?
06:40 Jennifer: Yeah. And I think you can be standing up for a good marriage and a good partnership by dealing with yourself. Dealing with the issue of your desirability. That doesn't preclude you from talking about the sexual relationship, but a lot of us are, because it's so easy to do it as human beings, we're much more focused on what we think we need our spouse to do, either stop pressuring us so much, or get their act together and go to Jennifer's The Art of Desire course, or something. [chuckle]
07:12 Jennifer: I have sometimes the men go and buy the course and then, a day later they ask for a refund, 'cause their wife doesn't wanna go, but... [chuckle]
07:18 Ellen: Yes, that makes sense. [chuckle]
07:22 Jennifer: So they're pressuring more on what the other person needs to do, as opposed to, "What is my role in an unsatisfying sexual relationship?" And I don't mean to say you can't talk about it and address what your spouse isn't doing, but oftentimes, we're so much more drawn to what our spouse is doing wrong, than how we're participating in the problem, and it keeps people stuck.
07:52 Ellen: Yeah, and they mentioned right at the beginning, this neediness isn't sexy.
07:56 Jennifer: Exactly.
07:56 Ellen: So if somebody is approaching this conversation in a relationship about their desire to have sex, and being in a relationship, a sexual relationship, they could essentially be approaching it in this neediness. And I think it sounds like their question is, "How can I approach it and not be killing desire by this neediness, but also be addressing the importance of intimacy and sexual relationship in the marriage?"
08:23 Jennifer: It sounds maybe like I'm not answering the question, but you have to confront... 08:25 Ellen: Maybe I'm not. [chuckle]
08:26 Jennifer: Oh no, no, not you. I'm saying me 'cause I'm gonna say something that maybe sounds like I'm not answering it, but...
08:32 Ellen: Okay.
08:32 Jennifer: I think you have to kinda confront that you are using the frame of neediness to get the other person to take care of you. Right? So, "I feel so bad about myself, I feel so undesirable, I feel so depressed when we're not having sex, and so for the love, give it to me." Okay? So you can do that, you might even get some sex, but you're not gonna get a passionate marriage. You're not gonna get the experience of being on an adventure together where you try new things.
09:05 Jennifer: So you have to deal with the fact that marriage is not designed, in my opinion, and I see this, we kind of learn the idea that marriage is mutual need fulfillment, and that's the wrong model in my opinion. That it's not about, "You prop up my sense of self, and I'll prop up yours." Because that just doesn't work, it breaks down very quickly.
09:31 Ellen: Absolutely... [overlapping conversation]
09:33 Jennifer: Yeah, that's what's happening when you date, but it only lasts for those few months. Okay? [chuckle]
09:38 Ellen: Yeah. [chuckle]
09:38 Jennifer: Because it's a short timespan. In marriage, you really have to handle your sense of self. You have to sustain your sense of self. If you're approaching your spouse, if you can sustain your sense of self, you're approaching your spouse from the position of, "I desire you. I love you, I like you, I like being with you." And it's real. Not, "Do You Love Me? Do you desire me? Am I enough?" Because that's not... A lot of people when they say, "How was it?" They mean "How was I?" Right?
10:11 Ellen: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
10:12 Jennifer: And people know that... They instinctively know what's actually happening. Are you touching your spouse 'cause you want them to validate you sexually? Are you touching them because you really do desire them, and find them attractive, and you can stand on your own, and sustain your sense of self? And a lot of us don't even track that's what we're doing.
10:35 Ellen: I think that goes to say a lot to what you had spoken about in your first podcast that we had linked to this book club, where you had done the role play, where you stood in for the husband and spoke what he would say to his spouse in that sexless marriage, but it was what you're saying here. He came across as, "This is what I need. This is where I stand."
10:57 Jennifer: Yes.
10:58 Ellen: And, "This is what I'm looking for. I love you. And this is where I'm at." It was less of, "This is what I... I'm in need."
11:05 Jennifer: Exactly.
11:05 Ellen: It was more important for our marriage.
11:07 Jennifer: That's right. He's talking about what he wants from a marriage, what he really is standing up for, but he doesn't sound needy.
11:16 Ellen: Yes. Yeah.
11:17 Jennifer: It's not about, "Hey, you have to give it to me. Please, oh please, oh please." It's like he's sustaining his own sense of self in that conversation.
11:26 Ellen: Yeah, yeah. I'd wanted to dig into this question. I'm not the one who wrote it, but I wanted to give this person the opportunity to kind of hear out the full... I'm feeling satisfied with it. I don't know who wrote it, but if they have any additional questions, they're welcome to jump in. Otherwise, I wanna give time to more questions. I know, Ray, we were gonna tag team it. Do you have a second question to go? 11:55 Ray: I do. [chuckle]
12:00 Ray: So this is a honeymoon question. So, "As I've recently heard you and other LDS podcasters talk about how newlyweds can have a better honeymoon. Thank you, this conversation is sorely needed. However, I'm disappointed that it so often addresses only the new husband's likely transgressions, while ignoring the new wife's. This makes the conversation feel very one-sided and blaming. I would love to hear you tackle the other half of the problem with equal energy, to round out the conversation by talking just as bluntly to future wives about what they need to know and do, to make their first sexual experience a good one, both for themselves and for their husbands. [noise] Cinderella will wreck a honeymoon just as completely as the inattentive two-minute groom we talked about so often."
12:49 Jennifer: Sorry, you just kind of... I just missed that last sentence. You said, "Cinderella can wreck a honeymoon as quickly as" and then I... I think that's what you said.
12:57 Ray: Yeah, as completely as the inattentive two-minute groom we talk about so often.
13:03 Jennifer: Oh, two-minute groom, got it. Yeah, I mean, probably the reason why I focus on the men is in part because we are so male-focused in our notions of sexuality, and so lots of men come into marriage, and LDS men specifically, in a kind of unacknowledged entitled position. Right?
13:29 Jennifer: So it's kind of like, "I've... This is my prize for having remained virginal all this time, and this is... " And they have learned about sexuality in the frame of, "Women exist to gratify this urge within men." So very often, the couple is complicit in that framing, meaning they come by it honestly, but that's their understanding. And so, it often goes that the woman has a very unsatisfying experience, and they both are kind of participating in this idea that the sexuality is primarily about the man.
14:13 Jennifer: Okay so, "This person wants me to have equal energy." [chuckle] "It's challenging, I don't know if I can generate it or not." [chuckle] But I guess what I would say to a future woman is just everything I say in The Art of Desire course. Right? Which is that your sexuality is as important as the man's sexuality, and this is a partnership. Right? And that if you frame it in this idea that this is a gift you're giving to your future husband, you can say goodbye to positive sexual experiences, because that frame will kill it. 14:54 Jennifer: And so, even though it's the frame you've been taught, and you've also probably been taught the idea that... I'm assuming you all... Yeah, okay, good. I thought I'd lost you, Ray. The idea that your selflessness and your sacrifice is gonna be fundamental to the marriage being happy, and that you are partly responsible for your husband's happiness sexually and in the marriage... That sounds a little bit wrong for me to say it like that, but basically you kind of shoulder this responsibility of him being happy, especially sexually, that that framing is going to make you unhappy in the marriage, it will kill intimacy, and will be a part of you disliking sex soon enough.
15:39 Jennifer: So you must think of it as a shared experience. And I would probably be talking to women about how important it is for them to... If they are relatively naive coming into marriage, how important it is for them to take the time to understand their own capacity for arousal and orgasm, and to not make the focus be intercourse, but mutual arousal, mutual pleasure, and that this is a team sport, and that taking the time to be together in this process, which is... Intercourse and orgasm are not as important as being together in this process of creating something mutual, shared, and desirable by both of you, is extremely important and you ought not move into a passive position, even though you maybe have learned that's the proper way for a woman to be sexually.
16:38 Jennifer: That you are a co-constructor of this relationship, and if you take that position, it's a devaluation of yourself and will interfere with the marriage developing as a partnership. So yeah, I have way more to say on it than that, because I've just... That's kind of like my main passion. But yeah, but that's what I would say is right.
17:08 Ellen: Jennifer, I'd even jump in to say, on your third podcast that we posted, The Virtue, Passion, and Owning your Desire, you spoke a lot to that point of, "Are you ready as a woman to take on being part of the relationship equally?"
17:24 Jennifer: Yeah. Right.
17:25 Ellen: And step into that role. And I thought that was really important to pull out.
17:31 Jennifer: Yeah. Because a lot of people are... [noise]
17:36 Jennifer: Can you hear me alright? Suddenly, it sounded kinda glitchy.
17:37 Ellen: Yeah, I can. Could we make sure everybody's on mute?
17:41 Jennifer: Just got glitchy for a second there.
17:42 Ellen: Yeah, I think... Yeah.
17:44 Jennifer: Yeah, I think so. I think one of the things that we just posted today, a quote from one of the podcasts I did recently, was just that a lot of us are tempted to hide behind a partner. You know? To not really step up and be in an equal position, and a lot of times we talk about that, as the male oppresses the female, but I think what feminism hasn't articulated as clearly as it's talked about that dynamic of oppression is how... Like the upside of being Cinderella in a sense. Do you know that fantasy that someone's gonna caretake you, and protect you from the big bad world, and sort of you can just sort of hide in their shadow.
18:26 Ellen: There's comfort in that.
18:28 Jennifer: Yeah, there's comfort in it for many of us. And we're... So that's why we're complicit in creating an unequal marriage, is we want a caretaker more than we want a partner.
18:36 Ellen: Yeah, so I'd even go to say that there's familiarity in that.
18:40 Jennifer: Oh absolutely. It's... Right, you know? We grew up watching Cinderella.
18:43 Ellen: Exactly.
18:44 Jennifer: You know? [chuckle]
18:46 Jennifer: I mean, I was looking for somebody to ride in on a horse, for sure. You know? [chuckle]
18:50 Ellen: Literally a horse, a white horse.
18:52 Jennifer: Exactly. Exactly. And I remember my first year of marriage and I was actually in a PhD program, I was 29 years old. And my, just my IQ dropped in the first year. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I just started... I had earned all my own money for my mission, for college, I had lived independently for years. Okay? I get married and I start like, I don't know, just doing dumb things, like parking in a tow zone because I thought John had told me it was okay to park there.
19:22 Jennifer: It sounds stupid. I would never have done this in a million years if I had... I was just sort of moving into the frame that I knew, and even my husband was like, "What's going on? Why did you do that?" I'm like, "I don't know, I don't know." [laughter]
19:38 Ellen: I got married. Why is my head so... "
19:42 Jennifer: Exactly. And almost it's like... It's almost in your DNA or something. Like you're just moving into what you've known. And so you have to catch yourself, that you sometimes are dumbing yourself down 'cause you think that's the way you'll keep yourself desirable.
19:56 Ellen: Yeah, I think that's a very good point. It's this idea that that keeps you desirable, but in fact, what keeps you desirable is that ability to make choices and be. And your...
20:07 Jennifer: Yeah. To have an... To have a self in the marriage.
20:10 Ellen: An identity. Yes.
20:11 Jennifer: Absolutely. And any... Any man or woman for that matter, who needs a partner to be under them, for them to feel strong, is a weak person. Right?
20:22 Ellen: Yeah. And you made that point actually in another one of your podcasts recently.
20:25 Jennifer: Yeah and I... I honestly was married to somebody who was like, "Wait, what are you doing? Don't do... " In that meaning he needed me not to do that, he had no need for me to do that. And so it was helping me stay awake to my own kind of blind movement in that direction.
20:43 Ellen: Yeah, and sometimes it just happens, you do it. It's almost this innate... Yes, like you said...
20:50 Jennifer: A hundred percent.
20:50 Ellen: It's an innate reaction and then, someone else finds that, "Oh, okay, we'll do [noise]" It becomes a pattern.
20:57 Jennifer: Absolutely.
20:58 Ellen: But you gotta get yourself out of that pattern.
21:00 Jennifer: Absolutely, and... Yeah, I... I still can do things like that, where if I'm with an intimidating male, I'll go into "Nice girl" instinctively, and just all of a sudden realize I'm throwing all my strength away like an idiot, and so it's just what is easy to do.
21:17 Ellen: Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.
21:19 Ray: And perhaps that's actually another thing we don't do very well in preparing people to be married, is you've lived your whole life as an individual, and now you've gotta learn how to be in a relationship all the time with somebody. And if you've been on your own a long time, you're probably actually looking forward to being able to lean on a partner to help with... You know.
21:40 Jennifer: Yeah. Yeah. But "Lean on" might be a little different than the experience of partnering and sharing the burden, where "Lean on" is a little more of a dependency model, but the collaboration model is really where you have intimate partnerships. That, "How can I bring my strengths, and you bring your strengths to bear, and we can create something stronger and better together." But it's not dependency, in the kind of up-down way. Mm-hmm.
22:08 Ray: Yeah. And that was... That was not what I was implying, by the way, but yeah...
22:11 Jennifer: Yeah. Sure, sure. Yeah. I'm just a word Nazi, I have to say... [laughter] Because... Because words communicate meaning, so I'm like, "No, wrong meaning." But anyway. [chuckle]
22:20 Daniel: So maybe a slightly different perspective, I've worked with a lot of men who've been very patient, they've stopped the pursuing of sex, or taking that dominant role, and have allowed themselves, from maybe your podcasts or things that they've just learned naturally, to kinda back off and allow that space to be there. But then, something else that's happened is kind of what we're talking about, is [cough] Excuse me. I just choked.
22:51 Daniel: Is, the female has no desire to pursue desire. So months go by, six months will go by. In some cases, even years will go by
23:02 Ray: Or decades.
23:03 Daniel: where the husband is not bringing it up in a... Maybe occasionally, "Is it a good time tonight?" But then, the partner's just like, "No, I'm fine." Right? How... I realize that's a huge topic but, how would you go about addressing that? And what's the role... What does... Does the man just not pursue it anymore or what?
23:24 Jennifer: No, no. Definitely not. And I hope I can address this well 'cause I'm... I am, 100% I promise going to do a class on men's sexuality this year. [chuckle]
23:37 Daniel: Great.
23:37 Jennifer: Yeah, I keep promising this, but I actually am gonna do it so... [chuckle] Anyway. But I do hope I can talk quite a bit about this, because I think we've sort of socialized men either into the entitled position, or they... If they don't wanna be that, then they almost can't own desire at all. They see it as, "It's offensive that I want it." And, "This is just this hedonistic, bad part of me." And they can sometimes be partnered with a wife who kinda takes the moral high ground of not wanting sex, or whatever. And this, of course, gets very punctuated by... If porn has been in the picture at all, because you know, now you can kinda claim that you're the bad one because you want sex, and it can make it really hard to deal with the sexless-ness of the marriage.
24:22 Jennifer: So what I would be thinking about is, if you're the higher-desire person, whether male or female, and your spouse does not desire you, I think the first question I would want to deal with is, "Why?" Okay? Why don't they desire me? Is it about me? Or is it about them? Or both? Is it that I'm not desirable? And that I'm functioning in a way in my life, or in the marriage, or in the sexual relationship, that it is actually good judgment that they don't desire me?
24:53 Jennifer: And/or is there something going on in them that they don't want to deal with, or grow up, or handle around sexuality? And that's obviously it seems like a basic question, but it's one that people surprisingly don't ask themselves very much. Because as I was talking to somebody a couple of nights ago, I was saying, "Why not go ahead and just ask your wife why she doesn't desire you?" And the reason for him is he doesn't want to hear the answer.
25:23 Ellen: I was gonna say, that's a very scary question to ask.
25:26 Jennifer: Yes, exactly. And in part because he already knows the answer, and he doesn't wanna deal with his own neediness, and the ways that he takes advantage in the marriage, and the things that are actually there that he would need to deal with to be freely desired. I mean, that's the bummer about marriage and intimacy, is that your partner gets to know you. And so, the things that... Your limitations become anti-aphrodisiacs often.
26:02 Jennifer: And so if you're gonna really grow in a marriage and a partnership, you have to really look at, "How do I engage or deal in a way that makes me undesirable?" Sometimes people are undesirable, and I'll just speak in the stereotypical way for a moment about, you know, some men are undesirable because they're too apologetic about their sexuality.
26:20 Jennifer: Because they sort of devalue it also. And they want their wife to manage the question of their desirability. Or manage the question of the legitimacy of their sexuality. And so, when they are too anxious, or apologetic, or looking for reinforcement around their sexuality, it feels more like mothering or caretaking on the part of their spouse, and that's very undesirable. And so, it's a hard question for men, and for all of us, I think in some ways, of, "How do I stand up for something I want, without being a bully?" Right? "And be contained enough without being wimpy and apologetic for my sexuality?"
27:10 Jennifer: "And how do I find that middle ground of kind of owning that my sexuality is legitimate and being clear about my desirability?" Without somehow taking advantage or being too reticent around it. And I think the answer, it's not an easy one to give in just a podcast really, because you kind of have to work with people around what's actually going on. But I think you have to really look honestly and with a clear eye towards the issue of your desirability.
27:47 Jennifer: And your own comfort with your sexuality and your sexual desires. Because if you can be clear that you are choosable, and clear that what you want is a good thing, and doesn't harm your spouse or you, then you can stand up for it and deal with... Because it could be that your spouse doesn't want sex because she or he just doesn't wanna deal with their anxieties about sex. And maybe you've been pressured in the marriage to coddle those anxieties too much and too long. And it's creating resentment and low growth. Well then it would actually be a desirable position, even though a challenging one, to stand up more for the sexual relationship moving forward, like in that one podcast I did. 28:36 Ray: Okay. Alright.
28:36 Jennifer: So are there other follow-up questions about that, or thoughts? If anybody has them, I'm happy to...
28:44 Ray: I'm guessing here, but the person who asked the question, 'cause I've heard you talk about it, I've heard, I think, Natasha Helfer-Parker talk about it, Nate Bagley talk about it. And it does kinda sound pretty one-sided, it's, "Husband, you gotta set your agenda aside, you have to make it all about her. Don't be a jerk."
29:12 Jennifer: Yeah.
29:13 Ray: My experience was... And I know a lot of other men have, we've had a similar experience, is it's not that we wanted, it was, we weren't gonna just run over our wife and get what we wanted. 29:24 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:25 Ray: You know? And we wanted to know we...
29:26 Jennifer: You maybe didn't have... You didn't have a participant maybe from the get-go, some people. Yes, definitely.
29:32 Ray: And so, if your partner shows up without any clue at all about what they want or what they need...
29:40 Jennifer: Sure. Oh, yeah.
29:41 Ray: How do you navigate that?
29:42 Jennifer: That's... Absolutely, that's... Right, it can't be collaborative if one person isn't... Not showing up, if they're pulling for a passive position. And many people are and you know, women have been taught not to kinda claim their sexuality because it's anti-feminine. You know? And so a lot of people believe they're gonna show up and the man is gonna teach them about their sexuality, and really, How does he know? [chuckle] I mean, right? For the very people.
30:13 Ray: Exactly.
30:14 Jennifer: And also, how do you co-create something, unless you're both participants in this process? So yeah, it's true. Yeah.
30:23 Leann: I think the frustrating thing is that, and I was one of them, oftentimes women don't, they don't realize they have desire, and they don't even feel like there's anything for... They're not the one with the problem, it's the husband wanting it and I guess pressuring. But when I'm in this intimacy group and it breaks my heart to hear from the husbands, 'cause the wives aren't in the group, they have no desire to want to get better, as far as the sexual relationship.
30:56 Leann: So that's what breaks my heart, is these husbands want to, but the wives just shut it down. They don't wanna have anything to do with helping themselves, or how... You know? And that's what I get frustrated in, is how do you help these husbands stand up for what... It would be beautiful, and right, and good in this relationship, but the wives just want nothing to do with it.
31:21 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, and I mean, there's... Well, there's the part of me that's compassionate towards the wives, and then the part that would challenge the wives. Okay? So the compassionate part is, "This is how it's all set up." Okay? So desire is bad, sexual desire, any kind of desire. I grew up, the whole Young Women's Manual is about your selflessness, and how that makes you desirable, and that's the frame. Right? So it is a passive frame.
31:50 Jennifer: And that sexuality is a challenge to your desirability. So you wanna shut it down. I have lots of clients who had sexual feelings and thoughts, they'd watch Love Boat and masturbate, and [chuckle] so on and on. And then, they'd feel so guilty and bad, that they'd repent and shut it down and shut it down. You know?
32:10 Leann: Yes.
32:11 Jennifer: And like, as an act of righteousness and sacrifice would basically shut this whole thing down. Then they show up on their wedding night, and they're supposed to be a participant? I mean, based on what? So, meaning we culturally create this. Now, that said, because I have compassion for that, both... And men too, because for the men that maybe are too eager or whatever, they've also... They come by it honestly, they've been sort of taught this idea that women's sexuality exists for their benefit, and for their delight, and so on. So people come by it honestly.
32:45 Jennifer: I think, where I would be challenging of women is when they just don't want... You know, I talk about hiding in the shadow. A lot of us don't wanna own what our desires are, or cultivate them, or figure them out. Because we don't want the exposure of it. We want the safety of having somebody else caretake us. We want the belief, or the fantasy that this makes us more righteous, or more noble, or whatever. And we wanna sell that idea, because what we really know is, we don't wanna sort of grow up and take an adult position sexually.
33:16 Jennifer: And so, I think, the challenge is once you start... I had a lot of women whose husbands signed them up for the workshop or something, and they are mad, because... And legitimately so, because they feel like, "Look, you just want me to go get fixed, so that you will get everything that you want." Well then, sometimes they show up there, and then they realize, "No, that's not the approach she's taking. And I have this whole aspect of myself, that I have shut down, that it's felt so self-betraying."
33:47 Jennifer: And then, they suddenly realize, "Wait, I want to develop this part of me, I want to be whole again, I don't want to always be living in reference to my husband's sexuality." So they really just start to grow into it, and they start to figure out, and sort of deprogram these parts of themselves. There was other people that don't want to develop this part of themselves, because they are afraid... They're in a marriage where they're afraid, if they start to develop any of it, it will just get hijacked and used for the benefit of the husband, because the dynamic of the marriage has to be addressed, still.
34:19 Jennifer: But then, there's other people who just, like I said, don't really wanna grow up and develop. And they can hold the other... Their spouse hostage. And they can get the moral high ground, because he's looked at porn, or whatever it is. And it's cruel. You know? [chuckle] It is absolutely cruel. And people can definitely do that, because they just don't want to grow up, don't want to be fair, don't want to take on the full responsibility of sharing a life with somebody. A lot of us get married with the idea that, "You're gonna manage my sense of self and make me happy."
34:54 Jennifer: Men and women do this. Very few of us, if we really thought about what we are committing to, would even get married. Because what we're really committing to is, "I'm willing to basically deal with my limitations, and grow myself up for your benefit, given that you're willing to actually hook yourself to me. And I'm willing to really be a good friend to you, and do all the growth that that's gonna require of me." I mean, that's what you ultimately agree to, if you're gonna be happily married.
35:22 Ellen: So you're speaking a lot of collaboration. A collaboration alliance.
35:25 Jennifer: Yeah. Mm-hmm.
35:28 Ellen: Now, I understand you've spoken in the past of collaboration alliance versus collusive alliance?
35:33 Jennifer: Yeah, a collaborative alliance versus a collusive one, yes.
35:36 Ellen: What's your difference in that? It being a unilateral? Can you speak a little bit more of that?
35:41 Jennifer: Well, a collaborative alliance is, I think, the easiest way to say it. And I'm sure if David Schnarch were here, he would say it much more thoroughly. But basically, the idea that David Schnarch is talking about, is that a collaborative alliance is you are willing to do your part in a partnership towards a shared aim. Being good parents, be creating a good marriage in which two people thrive, creating a good sexual relationship in which two people thrive, that would be collaborative. And you do your part, whether or not your spouse is doing their part. You don't use the fact that your spouse may be having a bad day, and not doing their part, to get yourself off the hook around your part.
36:18 Ellen: Definitely.
36:19 Jennifer: That you're willing to stand up, and be a grown-up, and deal with things, even if your spouse is having a bad day. A collusive alliance is basically, where the worst in your spouse, and your worst in you... And everybody's in some version of a collusive alliance with their spouse. The happier people have less of one. Okay? [chuckle]
36:37 Jennifer: But a collusive alliance is the worst in you, hooks into the worst in me, and it justifies the worst in each of us. We use the worst in each other to justify the worst in ourselves. So it's like, you know people say to me all the time in therapy, "I wouldn't be such a jerk if he weren't such a... What a... " You know, like meaning... This is collusive alliance, that I don't have to deal with my sexuality because you're a jerk.
37:03 Jennifer: And so I use the fact that you're a jerk to keep justifying that I don't deal with my sexuality. But you can get really mean, and hostile, and nasty, 'cause you know I won't develop this part of myself. Right? So that's the way it dips... Reinforces. And I'm constantly in therapy being like, "Stop dealing with your spouse, deal with yourself. It's the only way this will move forward." I'm always saying that. 37:23 Ellen: Look in the mirror. [chuckle]
37:25 Jennifer: Exactly, get the beam out of your own eye. [laughter]
37:28 Daniel: Ellen or Ray, there is, I think, a few questions or comments in the comments section. So you don't have to do it at this moment, but when you have a second, follow up with that. 37:36 Ray: We'll have a look at that, thanks.
37:38 Ellen: Yeah.
37:40 Ray: When you've got a script for how to have that conversation with your kids…[noise] 37:48 Ellen: Ray, I think you're cutting out.
37:49 Jennifer: Yeah. Yeah, you just cut out there Ray. Can you say it again? How to get your kids to do that?
37:54 Ray: Yeah, I wanna know, if you ever have a script for how to address that with your kids. 'Cause that's the, kind of the bell. Right?
37:58 Jennifer: Well, when there are kids who are younger, what... 38:00 Ray: "'Cause you started it." "Well, you started it."
38:01 Jennifer: Well yeah, yeah, when my kids were younger, and this was a borrow, I think, from the IRIS book. But basically, they would have to sit on the couch, and they couldn't get off until they each owned what their role was in the problem. So...
38:12 Ray: Yes.
38:13 Jennifer: Yeah, that's one version of it, yeah. Another version is, like, put you both in the same boat, and until you can come up with the solution, neither one gets the positive thing. So you have to collaborate to get the positive thing. Right.
38:28 Ray: Right. Okay.
38:30 Ellen: So kind of back to a topic that we had been discussing about the woman really stepping into the role of being collaborative, and in equal partnership in the relationship. We have a comment in the chat box saying, "How do we change the church culture problems of the unclear functioning of women?" I've... So Nicole feel free... Oh.
38:54 Jennifer: Can you say that again? Say that to me...
38:55 Ellen: Nicole, feel free to jump in and clarify that. I don't know if I read it... "So how do we change that church culture problem of the unclear functioning women? Woman."
39:05 Nicole: Under-functioning.
39:05 Jennifer: Meaning that... Oh, under-functioning.
39:06 Ray: Under-functioning.
39:06 Jennifer: There, under-functioning.
39:07 Ellen: Oh, under-functioning...
39:07 Jennifer: Yeah, there we go.
39:08 Ellen: That is why. [chuckle]
39:09 Jennifer: Yeah, good.
39:10 Jennifer: So how do we change that culture? I mean, it's the women themselves often that are doing the teaching. To basically teach better and teach differently. I mean that like, you know, we can't necessarily go in and change or control what is in the curriculum, but we can change how we each talk to women and we can change what we share in Relief Society and so on, what we... So that's about the best we have. You can do podcasts. [chuckle]
39:41 Ellen: You can say really, it's really us, we can...
39:44 Jennifer: It's us.
39:45 Ellen: Change us, and us will change our relationships with others, and our others or relationships with others will change the others we interact with, and it will expand.
39:54 Jennifer: Yeah, absolutely, and I just tend... A lot of times we think the church is the leadership, and then...
40:00 Ellen: It comes down to that too, yeah.
40:00 Jennifer: We are the church. You have to think of it that way, in my opinion, and you just roll up your sleeves and have as much impact as you can, because I think the more you role model strength like that, the more you give people permission to relate to themselves, or to women in general, differently.
40:26 Ellen: So I'm ready to move on to another question that was posed. Ray, do you have any follow-up to the question that you had?
40:34 Ray: Nope.
40:34 Ellen: No? Alright. So the next one is a really interesting one, it says, "How is it best to navigate having sex during marriage struggles?" They go on to say, "When she's rude, or attacks the kids, or criticizes, or makes fun of me in front of the kids, I'm so repulsed, I don't feel like being around her at all. But then, eventually, within a few days or less, we both get the biological urge and want to enjoy each other, so we do."
41:01 Ellen: "And it's great, and we feel closer and better afterwards, but I worry she thinks everything is okay or resolved because we're having sex. When it's not. Perhaps that's how she feels as well. We are starting therapy... " Or, "We started therapy a few months ago, and that's helpful, though expensive. A chance to talk through things. However, in general, when we get a rare chance to be alone and talk away from the kids, we'd mostly rather have sex than talk about our problems."
41:26 Jennifer: Okay, well, that's the problem.
41:27 Ellen: "Is that a good approach?" [chuckle]
41:27 Jennifer: Wrong, no.
41:29 Ellen: "Give me advice in that respect, what we do when our problems are all so present?"
41:34 Jennifer: Well, it doesn't have to be one or the other, because you could say, "I really wanna have sex with you, but I think the way you talked to the kids today was horrible." Okay? And you don't have to necessarily put them right next to each other. But I wouldn't say one precludes the other necessarily. You can say, "I like you, you matter to me. I like having sex with you and I'm really concerned about how we're parenting the kids, and specifically how you are harsh with them, and then I come in and I coddle them." Or whatever it is. I don't think it has to... I think what maybe the person's asking is, "If I address this, it may very well kill... "
42:10 Ellen: I would say, absolutely yes.
42:11 Jennifer: "Our ability to have sex." Right? But then, I would say, if that's really true, if you can't deal with your problems and have sex at the same time, then you probably shouldn't be having sex. Because if dealing honestly with what's going on in the marriage means that you're gonna go through a period of time in which desire gets challenged, well I personally think you have a deeper responsibility to the well-being of the marriage, and your role as parents, than to whether or not you have the... How to say it? The placating experience of having sex. So I'm not here to say that necessarily you'll get one or the other, but if you know that you get one or the other, then I think you have to be really careful about how you're relating to sex, 'cause it has its costs.
43:05 Ellen: So if we go back to the original... Oh, go ahead.
43:06 Jennifer: Okay. No, I was just saying it has its cost if you keep kicking... You know, I talk in my marriage course about over-reactors, people that are freaking out all the time. But then there's also people that are under-reactors or they don't deal with problems as they arise. That's as toxic to a marriage. You then have people that look like they're doing great, because they have sex or they are low-conflict, but a huge storm is brewing, and oftentimes when those marriages rupture, they rupture permanently. Because they have no ability to... They have no ability to kinda handle the problems, because they have no practice in it. And so, under-reacting to your troubles, is really setting yourself up.
43:51 Ellen: Yeah, it's an avoidance technique.
43:53 Jennifer: Yeah.
43:54 Ellen: That's basically what they're doing.
43:55 Jennifer: And you know, of course the problems grow. They don't go away, they grow, they start getting out of your control when you don't deal with them.
44:03 Ellen: And they're certainly recognizing that, like they've said that they don't like that they're doing this, that they're concerned about this, they've started going to therapy, they recognize that's a very expensive way [chuckle] to talk. And... But they are...
44:21 Jennifer: Good luck if you're gonna go into... [chuckle]
44:23 Ellen: But they also recognize that they're physically attracted, and they have, as they say, the biological urge, and they want to pursue that as well. And so I see that as a good thing, as well, that they still have that, despite this... [overlapping conversation]
44:38 Jennifer: Yeah, well, and it doesn't mean that you can't have sex for sure, 'cause there's lots of couples that are dealing with their troubles, and they're still having sex.
44:45 Ellen: Yeah.
44:46 Jennifer: It's just another way of being together and sort of, you know, I think sometimes we have the idea that everything must be good in the relationship, and then sex is legitimized. It's just kind of a Mormon cultural idea we have. I don't see it that way, because I think a good sexual relationship can give you some of the sustenance to kinda keep dealing with the challenges. Part of why I've worked out things with my husband is 'cause I'm attracted to him. [chuckle] Okay?
45:12 Jennifer: And I want a good sexual relationship, but I want, you know... And so, that desire pushes you through the troubles. It gives you the energy to deal with the hard things. So I wouldn't necessarily say it should... You shouldn't be having sex, I would say if you're using it to get away from your troubles, then it's a problem.
45:32 Ellen: But using it for motivation to work through this?
45:35 Jennifer: Sure, absolutely. Now, I think what some people are afraid of is if they talk about hard things, then their spouse won't wanna have sex with them. So it's a kind of a kind of... People can be complicit in not dealing with things, the sad issue. But you certainly can use it as a resource, 100%.
45:54 Ellen: So their general question is, "How best to navigate having sex during marriage struggles?" It sounds like you're saying, of course don't cut it out, [chuckle] altogether.
46:04 Jennifer: Yeah.
46:05 Ellen: So... But don't use it as a way to avoid having those conversations.
46:09 Jennifer: Exactly. Exactly.
46:10 Ellen: Because there may be some fear around having those conversations, that it will reduce the amount of sex that you're having, but using the desire for each other as a motivation to work through those troubles, because you wanna get close together. Is that right?
46:26 Jennifer: Yes. Yeah, and I would say what often happens for couples is when they're right in the heat of the struggle, sometimes their desire goes down, but as they start to work things out, the sex gets way better. You know? It's like that, you feel gratitude, you see your partner as somebody who's willing to deal with things, you feel more aware of your separateness as a couple and through some of the struggle, and so the sex is more positive. So I wouldn't see it as one or the other, but I think if you want good sex, you want your relationship to keep growing and thriving, and that means dealing with hard things.
47:01 Ellen: Yeah, I can imagine that coming through difficulties and then coming to this place of convergence, where you're just together on something and you've almost... You've repaired something together.
47:15 Jennifer: Absolutely.
47:15 Ellen: It would make it even more powerful and even more meaningful.
47:19 Jennifer: Absolutely. Absolutely. So yeah, I think that's how couples continue to create novelty. In a long-term partnership there's only so much novelty you can generate. And I'm all for novelty, but it's still the same person, it's [chuckle] the same room, or whatever. 47:38 Ellen: That's so true. [laughter]
47:41 Jennifer: So you know, but I mean...
47:42 Ellen: I worry about that.
47:44 Jennifer: Yeah, sure. And I'm all for novelty. There's a lot of fun things you can do to create novelty, but I think what's at the core of a good intimate marriage is a growing marriage. It's a marriage that's growing, and you don't take the other person for granted. You recognize that they will challenge things in themselves, they'll deal with things honestly, you keep sort of becoming aware over and over again, that this is a separate person from you, who owes you nothing, but that will continue to grow and do better for your benefit and their own benefit, and that drives respect and desire. And so...
48:17 Ellen: I think that is a really key point, that I'll personally draw out, is they owe you nothing.
48:25 Jennifer: That's right.
48:25 Ellen: That's hard to swallow.
48:26 Jennifer: Yeah, I know.
48:27 Ellen: Because there's this sense of, "I've done this for you, you do this for me." Give-take. "You owe me" kind of idea...
48:36 Jennifer: Exactly.
48:36 Ellen: But to get away from that...
48:37 Jennifer: Yes.
48:38 Ellen: Feeling. That's hard. [laughter]
48:41 Jennifer: It's hard and it's the only way to do marriage, in my opinion.
48:44 Ellen: That's novel. [chuckle]
48:45 Jennifer: To do it from a passionate position, because as soon as you get it into, "I need this, you're obligated, you owe me." Right?
48:52 Ellen: Or even just the marriage contract idea of, "We... You married me, for good and for bad. This is bad, you are in it with me." This idea of, "You owe this for me, we're working on this." Making sure that you're not using that as a form of manipulation.
49:08 Jennifer: Yes.
49:09 Ellen: But a motivation to work together.
49:12 Jennifer: Yeah, which is not about precluding you from running your life, because you can say, "Look, here are the terms of my participation in this marriage, and if you don't wanna live by those terms, I can choose to exit." Okay? I know that's hard when you have a mortgage and kids, and all that, but you can define the terms of your participation, you can control your own choices. But I think as soon as we are in the idea that, "You owe me."
49:39 Jennifer: As a way to pressure and to... As a way to be in a marriage, you will kill desire. When it's more like, "Wow, this person chooses me day, after day, after day. That's amazing. This person has offered goodness to my life, and they don't have to. And they do. And that they do, it's a miracle actually." When you live in that frame, which is the only honest way to live in the world, to be honest. Who's owed anything? There's children starving in Africa, do you think that's what... They're getting what they deserve? You know what I mean?
50:13 Jennifer: No, but when you get good things it's good fortune. It's by grace, it's by... And so if you don't live in a gratitude-based frame, you're gonna have a hard time living with joy. And you have to live it, I think you have to live in that frame in marriage. Now again, I know people get like, "Wait a minute. Well, do you just mean you have to take whatever you get? The person's having affairs, you can't... "
50:34 Jennifer: No, I'm not saying you can't decide if somebody is bringing too little good, if somebody is trying to take advantage of that commitment you've made. That you may then have to make other choices, because living with them is not good for you. Right? Continuing to struggle with them is not good for you. But the idea that... But that's different than living in marriage from a frame of demand. And a lot of people want the safety of doing that.
51:04 Ellen: And I think there's this importance of, again as you've mentioned, this independence of self. You've mentioned in your other podcasts sometimes you do have to bring the conversation to the point of, "I'm willing to step away from this marriage."
51:19 Jennifer: Absolutely.
51:19 Ellen: If that's the case, "Because this is not good for either of us." And that's a very scary place to come to.
51:25 Jennifer: Oh yeah. But it's usually where people grow the most. It's when they realize, "I can't make this marriage happen." That for me is when people often make their biggest strides in their development, is when they stop trying to control whether or not their proud spouse chooses them, whether or not the marriage stays together. They're no longer controlling that, they're only controlling who they are, in the marriage.
51:48 Jennifer: When people really take that developmental step, that's when marriages really... Well, sometimes they fall apart at that point, because the other person won't step up. Or they really, really take a massive step forward. Because people are really operating, not from trying to obligate and control, but really a framing of choosing, and controlling themselves, and who they are in the marriage.
52:09 Ellen: Maybe I'm making a leap here but, Would you say that that's more a high-desire partner position to be in than a low-desire? To kind of...
52:19 Jennifer: To put the question of the marriage on the line, you're saying?
52:22 Ellen: Yeah, yeah.
52:25 Jennifer: Well, it depends on, "Why?"
52:25 Ellen: I don't know...
52:25 Jennifer: It would depend on "Why?" If somebody is in a marriage where their spouse just won't develop or deal with their sexuality, yes.
52:32 Ellen: That's where I'm... Yeah, that's where I'm looking. Right.
52:34 Jennifer: If somebody is in a low-desire position because their spouse is narcissistic, for example, or won't deal with the ways that they take too much in the marriage, and they keep trying to stand up to get that person to deal with who they are, because they do want a good sexual relationship, they just don't want sex in the current form. Okay? They're low-desire because of good judgment. Well, then they may be the one who's saying, "Look, I want good sex too, I just don't want what you're offering. It's all about you." And so, they may be the ones putting on... You know, calling it quits.
53:08 Ellen: Interesting.
53:10 Ray: I think, whenever the notion of, "Is sex a good enough reason to leave the marriage" comes up, there are a lot of people who are really quick to jump on that because they're afraid that if we normalize that, that's gonna be everybody's first choice. "I don't get what I want, I'm out."
53:29 Jennifer: Yeah, yeah.
53:30 Ray: And in my experience, it's really the opposite. It's when you're willing to actually walk away from... It takes a lot to be willing to walk away from what you have.
53:40 Jennifer: Absolutely.
53:40 Ray: I don't know that it's... That's anybody's first choice.
53:44 Jennifer: Well, and I think a lot of the time when people are saying, "Is sex enough reason?" We have it in the hedonistic frame, rather than if sex really isn't happening in a marriage, there's something bad going on. [chuckle] Okay? You know what I mean? Like, I mean...
53:58 Daniel: Yeah, it's not the sex. [chuckle]
54:00 Jennifer: Yeah, it's not the sex. Exactly, it's not the sex.
54:02 Daniel: Sorry, I don't mean to laugh, but...
54:04 Jennifer: No, but then you're right. The sex is an indicator of something much more profoundly important going on. And so, the sex is the canary in the coal mine.
54:14 Ellen: And I think that actually hits the point of the original question, the debate around sex not being neediness, or isn't sexy, but also wanting to talk about the importance of it.
54:25 Jennifer: Yeah.
54:27 Ellen: I think it goes back to that. I know that you've said it's not necessarily about the sex, but... It's the canary but, What killed the canary? [chuckle]
54:35 Jennifer: You know, exactly. It's exactly right. Why is the canary dead? Okay? Can we look at that? [laughter]
54:44 Jennifer: Exactly. Is there just too much noxious gas that the canary can't breathe? Or is the canary faking dead so that it doesn't have to, you know... [overlapping conversation]
54:54 Ellen: It's looking away. [laughter]
54:58 Jennifer: Yeah.
54:58 Ellen: Well, it is about three minutes to the hour, so I wanna respect your time. It has been a pleasure chatting with you, and being able to listen more. Our focus to three podcasts and collect people's questions and really just discuss with you. So I wanted to give you a couple minutes to close up, any closing thoughts you had as far as the discussions that we've had today. If there's any kind of ending thoughts you'd like to share, and then give you that au revoir and [chuckle] the opportunity to sign off, and...
55:38 Jennifer: Sure.
55:38 Ellen: Really one day invite you to come back, we'd love to have a follow-up at some point, and do this again.
55:45 Jennifer: Sure.
55:46 Ellen: But the time is yours.
55:48 Jennifer: I'm trying to think if I have any profound final thoughts. [laughter]
55:53 Ellen: You're probably thinking a lot actually. [chuckle]
55:57 Jennifer: Well, I guess maybe I would just say I respect in everybody that's here, the pursuit of sorting through these hard things, like marriage and intimate relationships are not easy. To achieve the beauty that relationships are capable of, takes a lot of courage. Courage to deal honestly with ourselves, to deal honestly with our spouse, to face hard things. Happy marriages are not for sissies. Okay?
56:30 Ray: Soundbite. [laughter]
56:39 Jennifer: So I really do...
56:41 Daniel: Jennifer?
56:41 Jennifer: Yeah, go ahead.
56:42 Daniel: My wife just wanted... Heard what you said and wants to put it on a t-shirt. Do we need to get a waiver or something? "Happy marriages aren't for sissies." [chuckle]
56:50 Jennifer: Aren't for sissies. Yeah, you could do that, just stick my name on it and my website... [laughter]
56:55 Daniel: You got it.
57:00 Jennifer: So yeah. So I respect it, I always respect it because I think it's the best in humans when people are willing to kind of face those hard things. And when I watch people go through it, it's hard. But it's really where all the beauty lies. So, there's divinity in all that process, even though it can feel like you're in hell sometimes.
57:25 Ellen: Well said.
57:25 Jennifer: Okay.
57:28 Ellen: Well, Jennifer thank you so much for your time.
57:31 Jennifer: You're welcome.
57:32 Ellen: Have a wonderful evening, and keep warm out there. [chuckle]
57:36 Jennifer: Thank you, I'll try.
57:37 Ellen: Please try to stay warm.
57:39 Jennifer: Okay, thanks everybody. Bye.
57:40 Ray: Thank you.
57:41 Ellen: Bye-bye. So, we're on. Yeah, go ahead Ray. You got it.
57:46 Ray: No.
57:46 Ellen: Well you got the book. [chuckle]
57:49 Ray: Okay. Let's go ahead and stop the recording at that point.
Mental and Spiritual Health Challenge for General Conference
Twice a year we have the wonderful privilege of hearing from our leaders to receive spiritual guidance and counsel. Each year the messages of these amazing men and women seem to have a greater impact on my life. Maybe you're like me and sometimes feel they prepared their message specifically for you. Conference is a spiritual feast that nourishes your soul when so many other responsibilities and life tax your soul.
Twice a year we have the wonderful privilege of hearing from our leaders to receive spiritual guidance and counsel at the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Each year the messages of these amazing men and women seem to have a greater impact on my life. Maybe you're like me and sometimes feel they prepared their message specifically for you. Conference is a spiritual feast that nourishes your soul when so many other responsibilities and life tax your soul.
However, if you are like me and many others, conference can also be anxiety-provoking and overwhelming. There are times a leader’s message doesn't seem to align with scriptural or spiritual guidance received in the course of seeking answers to prayers. Other times, the feelings of anxiety become overwhelming as you have spent the last weeks, months and even years doing all you can to be met with a message of "do more." Sometimes a speaker doesn't seem to understand the complexities of life with their overly simplified solutions, which then elicits the guilty, self-reflective, self-punishing idea that maybe you don't have enough faith.
Elder Holland warned about this risk;
"My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.” We should avoid that latter excessive expectation of ourselves and of others and, I might add, of those who are called to serve in the Church—which for Latter-day Saints means everyone, for we are all called to serve somewhere." —Be Ye Therefore Perfect—Eventually
Although I think most don't believe our leaders are infallible, this is this cultural assumption—that ALL things spoken in conference are "right", "true", "doctrine", or "scripture" and are meant as an infallible guide for your personal life. Unfortunately, this cultural belief feeds the toxic perfectionism spoken of by Elder Holland. Therefore, this conference I encourage you to get the most out of every message by taking the “Mental and Spiritual Health Challenge for General Conference.” Here it is:
1. Verbally remind yourself that God is working through imperfect people with their perceptions, bias, family culture and predispositions.
2. Verbally remind yourself that not everything—in fact, most things—spoken in conference are NOT doctrine, but rather personal experiences of imperfect people making sense of an infinite and eternal gospel.
Edited (10/5/19 12:30 pm) to include the following quotes from Elder Oaks Conference address October 5th, Saturday morning session:
At the same time it should be remembered that not every statement made by a Church leader, past or present, necessarily constitutes doctrine. It is commonly understood in the Church that a statement made by one leader on a single occasion often represents a personal, though well-considered, opinion, not meant to be official or binding for the whole Church. -Elder Todd Christofferson, "The Doctrine of Christ," April 2012 General Conference, Sunday Morning Session (1 Apr 2012)
There is an important principle that governs the doctrine of the Church. The doctrine is taught by all 15 members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve. It is not hidden in an obscure paragraph of one talk. True principles are taught frequently and by many. Our doctrine is not difficult to find. The leaders of the Church are honest but imperfect men. Remember the words of Moroni: “Condemn me not because of mine imperfection, neither my father … ; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.” (Mormon 9:31) Neil L. Anderson, "Trial of Your Faith," Ensign (Nov 2012)
3. Verbally remind yourself to conscientiously check in with your Father in Heaven if the message is meant for you and is something you should prioritize in your life.
4. Verbally acknowledge that even leaders say things that are confusing, unclear and even wrong. Trust your ongoing relationship with God and allow clarity to come from HIM.
5. Verbally acknowledge that if you come away from conference with the idea that you need to do more, be better, work harder, read more scriptures, and/or sacrifice more—it’s most likely the influence of toxic perfectionism and not the spirit of Christ. See Elder Hollands talk cautioning against “toxic perfectionism” here: “Be Ye Therefore Perfect — Eventually”
6. Verbally promise yourself that you will not assume a speaker’s words are more important or correct than your relationship and revelation from God.
7. Verbally acknowledge that emotions are NOT the same as spiritual confirmation or revelation.
8. Verbally remind yourself to be present, feeling and thinking about your own experience during conference.
The gospel is joyous. We should be rejoicing and feeling God’s love and learning how to emulate that love. His love is healing, not hurtful or depressing.
The Unintelligent Parent
The following is an excerpt from Relief Society Magazine: Guide Lessons For April 1927 Lesson IV Social Service (Fourth Week in April).
Emotional Problems of Childhood—Jane and Henrietta
Serious and difficult emotional problems are presented by the two adolescent girls, Jane and Henrietta. Both were the victims of unintelligent parents. The basis of these problems is not uncommon in adolescent development because of lack of understanding by their parents; one girl was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and the other was contemplating suicide. Both suffered these serious emotional upsets because of the lack of sex education and guidance.
It will be remembered from the introductory discussion of emotional problems that the individual has three dominant instincts or urges—the ego, or self; the herd, or social; and the sex or love instinct. The three instincts all seek expression, and if thwarted or frustrated cause emotional disturbances the individual expresses his ego urge by accomplishing certain ends and experiencing the joy and satisfaction of expression. He satisfies his social urge by gaining the confidence and approval of his family, playmates, and friends. In the studies of the emotional problems of childhood, it has been pointed out that the failure to gain normal expression or the failure to gain approval seriously affects the development of the child. His defeats, and unhappiness, and sense of failure deeply affect his emotional life, limiting his development, and making his conduct abnormal.
In our home and school life the tendency has been to ignore inquiry into the other important instinct, sex. The subject has been a taboo. Because sex has been recognized as a compelling life force, but its aspects have not been generally understood, the whole subject has taken on an atmosphere of morbid secrecy.
Sex education is the responsibility of the home. The first questions of the origin and development of life are asked in the home. The relation between parents, the relation between parents and their children, the attitude of brothers and sisters toward one another, and toward their friends, are all phases of sex relationships, and depend on wholesome; home guidance to lead the child to normal, healthful attitudes.
The method of sex education will not be the subject of this discussion, for the subject itself deserves special attention and study. The purpose of studying the problems of Jane and Henrietta is to observe the real dangers and pitfalls that endanger adolescents if, through lack of home guidance, they have wrong information concerning sex, and unwholesome attitudes because of their misconceptions.
Jane at nineteen was at the beginning of a mental breakdown she was suffering from what is known as an anxiety neurosis. This condition was the result of a secret worry that she had tried to crowd out of her conscious life. In spite of her effort to forget her worry, the unconscious mind kept harboring and remembering until she came near a breakdown All her anxiety, and nervousness, and weeping, and unhappiness, were the result of wrong sex information given her by her mother. She had at twelve, and again at sixteen met an experience not at all uncommon in childhood. Her mother had observed that she masturbated—practiced self-abuse—and had used the unintelligent method of correcting her by telling the child that she would go crazy if she did not stop the practice.
The mother filled the child's life with fear, shame and inferiority. The (girl felt herself unclean and unfit for friendships and love. The shame and self-reproach continued, for at no time was she given frank, sound, sex information.
Her other home guidance was also harmful. Her mother was most rigid and severe in her regulations concerning her friends and social life, and this close supervision intensified her feeling of weakness and impending dangers.
When she was given a frank explanation of the function of sex by the physician she consulted, her danger was past. Her doubts and fears disappeared as soon as the atmosphere of secrecy and accompanying feeling of shame were removed.
Our author states that this practice occurs frequently among children, and should call for attention but not anxiety. The hazard is not the effect on the mind or body, but the fears and anxieties aroused by the method of correction. Parents should not express horror or instill fears to meet this behavior difficulty. Sympathetic understanding, patient teaching, and frankness by the parents will lead the child more readily to overcome the practice, and will not undermine his confidence and self-esteem.
Henrietta at sixteen found life dull, and contemplated self-destruction. Her thinking then led her to consider finding pleasure and securing pretty clothes by pursuing a course already adopted by her sister. Her poverty, her lack of normal childhood amusement, made the course of abandoning her moral principles seem exciting and attractive.
It is not fair to pass judgment on Henrietta and girls in her position, for the attitude they develop. Youth is a time for amusements and gaieties, and if no wholesome recreation is afforded young persons, it is quite natural for them to seek it in thoughtless and unwise channels.
The developing sex impulse in adolescents needs to be better understood by parents. In homes where boys and girls meet frequently to play and dance and enjoy youth together, there is no great occasion for alarm. Where this harmless, natural association is denied, either by lack of a pleasant home or by too rigid puritanical standards, the frustrated impulse may lead to real difficulties.
Henrietta's difficulties were both the lack of frank instruction, and the lack of constructive direction. The importance of children gaining their information regarding matters of health, of the life processes, and the ideal of parenthood in a sane, natural way, cannot be over-emphasized. In homes where questions are evaded and the subject of sex physiology and development is left a mystery, the child's curiosity is not only stimulated but he develops a morbid attitude toward the whole subject. He then gains his information from sources such as his gang, and lurid magazines, and his entire conception of the part of sex in life becomes distorted. It becomes an unspeakable subject, one from which he gains an unwholesome pleasure in discussing and contemplating its unsavory aspects. The very mystery that his parents place upon the subject makes his attitude abnormal, morbid and unwholesome.
The child who receives frank answers to his early questions, and who has his own development explained to him in terms of ideals of parenthood is protected from this unpleasant and harmful speculation. Fore-armed with sound, accurate information from the parents whose sincerity he does not doubt, he will be able to dismiss the misinformation that he will later hear from his crowd or gang. He will also be spared the emotional upset when he finally realizes that his parents have deliberately given him false information.
Henrietta had further difficulty besides the lack of instruction. Her home had given her no opportunity for the outlet of her emotional interests. The release of this emotional energy is important to give the individual normal stable personality. The inherent craving of individuals for emotional satisfaction is termed the libido. If the libido finds expression for its great store of energy in harmless channels, the individual maintains a normal attitude towards life, and normal interests in the affairs of everyday living. If the libido finds no opportunity for release, that is, finds no emotional satisfaction in the daily associations, and in the regular scheme of living, the libido will find an outlet in some other channel, which may have undesirable effects on the person.
In terms of Henrietta her libido found no wholesome outlet. Her natural craving for emotional satisfaction was frustrated. Her parents did not realize how important these satisfactions are, until the effect of her barren emotional life was explained to them.
The libido can find expression and satisfaction in many channels. Affection and appreciation in the home are sources of emotional release. Games, parties, outdoor sports, recreation, new clothes, success in work, are all easily recognized as sources of emotional satisfaction, and releases of emotional energy.
Henrietta responded to the treatment prescribed, and her nearsighted plans of securing clothes and pleasures by sacrificing her standards was forgotten. She was not scolded, nor lectured, nor criticized. No attempt was made to change her attitude by discussing her responsibilities and duties. Her thwarted emotional life made an intellectual appeal futile.
The treatment outlined was agreeable work away from home, where she found pleasure in her work and in being with children. Her earnings made it possible for her to gain other small pleasures in the way of recreation. Her days that had been spent in pent up brooding were now changed to active happy ones.
It is apparent that wholesome activity, recreation and pleasant associations are normal releases of the emotional life. Associations should be varied. There is some danger of too strong attachment between parents and children or two children. A mother, especially a widowed one, might devote herself too entirely to her only son or daughter. Two friends of the opposite sex at. too early an age may make emotional ties that are upsetting when the necessity rises for separation. Two friends of the same sex may also become too dependent on each other for their later happiness.
There are types of individuals who do not mingle with groups readily or frequently. Such social expression as possible should be encouraged in these persons, but it must be remembered that the emotional energy can find expression in channels other than amusement. Creative work of any kind has been identified with emotional life. Any expression, whether through poetry, painting, music or other creative work, gives the person a real emotional satisfaction. This expression through creative effort, known as sublimation is the sex impulse released through other channels.
The program of sex education is based on frank information given by parents to children, and also on the direction of the emotional energy into channels of work, recreation, activity, and of its sublimation to satisfying, useful forms of expression.
Reference -- The Challenge Of Childhood by Ira S.Wile, pages 215-227
Questions and Problems
1. Why is frank sex information to children important?
2. Why should this information be given in the home ?
3. What is meant by the libido?
4. How can the libido find expression in normal channels?
5. What are normal emotional satisfactions for adolescents?
6. What are the dangers of lack of emotional expression?
7. What treatment was outlined for Henrietta?
8. What is meant by sublimation?
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1. The Relief Society magazine : Organ of the Relief Society of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://archive.org/stream/reliefsocietymag14reli#page/102
2. The Challenge Of Childhood. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://archive.org/stream/in.ernet.dli.2015.274695/2015.274695.The-Challenge#page/n227