Full Transcript:
0:00:00.7 Narrator: Welcome to Improving Intimacy, a podcast to help single and married Latter Day Saints strengthen their family connections and marriages. Daniel A. Burgess is the host of Improving Intimacy. Daniel's a marriage and family therapist, father, husband and author. Here's Daniel on this episode of Improving Intimacy.
[music]
0:00:27.0 Daniel A. Burgess: Welcome to another episode of Improving Intimacy. And today we're gonna be continuing the discussion about how to navigate and discuss pornography within the family, between your spouse and your children. On today's episode we have Brett and Shendi, and I look forward to exploring their adventure with this topic. And so, let's turn it over to you guys. Introduce yourself, let us know about some details of your family. What's your status in the church and what your goal is.
0:01:00.9 Brett: I'm Brett Pingel, me and Shendi have been married, twelve years?
0:01:06.5 Shendi: Yeah.
0:01:07.0 Brett: Twelve years now. Just hit 12 years in April. We have four kids, ages from almost 11 to just turned a year.
0:01:18.9 Shendi: Both mostly from Utah, and we're active in church.
0:01:22.6 DB: Good. How old are your children?
0:01:27.8 Brett: Ten, nine, seven, one.
0:01:31.7 DB: Ooh, got them tight together and then you've got the... How many boys, how many girls?
0:01:39.1 Brett: Two and two.
0:01:39.8 DB: Two and two. Two older, two younger?
0:01:42.9 Brett: Boy... Girl, boy, boy, girl.
0:01:46.6 DB: Oh, got it. Alright, great. So they're getting ready to get into their teenage years, are you excited about that?
0:01:52.3 Shendi: Don't remind me.
[laughter]
0:01:57.2 Brett: Not sure I'm ready for a teenager.
0:02:00.5 DB: Yeah, it's, I don't think we could prepare for that. Perfectly, at least. I put out on our Facebook group, Improving Intimacy, a request to find couples who are willing to talk about their journey in discussing pornography and and a few other related topics. You reached out and said that you've had this discussion between each other and you're learning how to navigate that with your children.
0:02:28.0 DB: You've been married for 12 years, and... Tell us a little about that journey. What was it like for you guys? Was it a difficult topic? Did it come naturally? What was your experience?
0:02:41.3 Brett: I think for us it came out pretty early, 'cause I've had my own issues and I guess you could say addiction to pornography that I've dealt with for many years since I was a teenager. I don't know or remember at what point it came out. I'm pretty sure it came out even in the dating process before we ever got married. I think Shendi was aware of it.
0:03:07.6 Shendi: I don't think I realized how much he was into it, not that he was viewing it every day.
0:03:15.7 DB: You're talking about during the dating phase, Shendi?
0:03:18.7 Shendi: Yeah, yeah. When we were dating, I know that he said that he wasn't viewing every day, but I knew that had some addiction to looking at it. And then we just never really discussed it while dating, just that we knew that it was there and that it wasn't... Other than that, it wasn't really discussed until I really, I think I really realized until after we were married. I think within our first year was when is when I'd noticed that he was looking at things.
0:03:49.0 DB: So you're aware of it during the dating. What kept... Shendi, what kept you from exploring it more with him? Was it not a concern to you, or did you feel like it was resolved? What kept you from pursuing that concern or potential concern there?
0:04:07.0 Shendi: There's a lot of addiction in my family. And so, for us, I think it was just kinda I know it's there, but I don't think my family ever really deals with their addiction, on my side. And so, for when I was, what? 17 to 20 years old, we were just dating on and off, I just followed my family's steps of not really ever dealing with addictions or talking about them, just that you know they're there, and that's about it.
0:04:38.8 Shendi: And so, he told me, and I was like, "Okay." And just I left it, and I didn't feel like it was gonna affect me. Until after we got married, then I realized it affected me, in a different way than my family's history of addiction ever affected me.
0:04:54.2 DB: So Brett, when you were dating, do you feel like... If you could put your addiction, if your usage of pornography on a scale of one to 10, one being really just occasional, barely existing, to 10, it's consuming you daily for hours, where would you place yourself?
0:05:14.7 Brett: When we were dating?
0:05:15.9 DB: Yeah, when you were dating.
0:05:17.9 Brett: Maybe a five.
0:05:19.0 DB: A five, okay. And equate that...
0:05:23.1 Brett: It's never been one... I personally have a hard... It's an addiction, but I have a hard time calling it addiction, 'cause it's never consuming.
0:05:32.3 DB: Okay. And it...
0:05:32.9 Brett: I've never felt like, "I have to look, I have to look, I have to look." You know? It's never... It's something that's always there and every now and then I flip through it.
0:05:47.2 DB: So it's impressive that you weren't caught during dating youth, it sounds like you felt impressed or you needed to tell your soon-to-be wife, that this was a problem or... How did that come about?
0:06:01.1 Shendi: Well, we've known each other since we were 15.
0:06:04.2 Brett: Yeah, so we've known each other for a long time, and...
0:06:08.9 Shendi: We were really good friends.
0:06:10.1 Brett: We've always been able to talk.
0:06:12.9 Brett: I think that's the biggest thing for us is we've always had really good communication, and I've always felt like even my darkest secrets, I've been able to tell her.
0:06:24.4 DB: Wow.
0:06:25.0 Brett: And so it was never anything like, "Well, I'm gonna tell you something and you're not gonna like it." Or anything like that. It was always, I guess conversation with us was always really fluid.
0:06:35.2 DB: That's excellent. That's, wow, that's an ability I really encourage a lot of couples to have before they get married. So it was present. If you don't mind, if you're comfortable with sharing, when you say it's a five, how consuming was that? Was that a few minutes a day, once a week? How would you, on average, say, qualify?
0:07:00.1 Brett: Probably once a week.
0:07:00.9 DB: Once a week, okay. And so when you shared it with Shendi and she reacted the way she did, like, "Okay." What were you thinking? Was it like, "Okay, I did my part."? Or what was your experience on your end?
0:07:17.3 Brett: I'm trying to remember back that far.
[chuckle]
0:07:19.2 DB: Yeah, I guess it is a while ago. Really, forgive me. I do like to explore this a little bit because I wanna give people a sense of where they were and what it was like, and I think you may not be surprised, but a lot of people may be resonating with this a lot, like, "Oh my goodness, I was able to be very open, share this information, and it seemed to be the last thing we talked about until we got married." So I kind of wanna provide that to the audience.
0:07:45.0 Brett: Yeah.
0:07:45.4 DB: So if you can, I realize it's 12, 13 years ago, but what do you recall? In fact...
0:07:52.1 Brett: I think for me, there was a level of relief that she wasn't appalled or judgmental towards me. She was really understanding, "Okay, that's... No, I don't necessarily like it, but it is what it is, and I still love you." And for me, it was really relieving that, I guess that it wasn't a deal breaker.
0:08:20.0 DB: That's wonderful. So you get married, and about how long into your marriage, Shendi, did it become an issue? Or did you start to notice signs that, "Okay, this is a problem."? A few months, a year, how long into the marriage?
0:08:36.8 Shendi: I'm just gonna say six months to a year, 'cause we had accidentally gotten pregnant six months into the marriage and my first pregnancy was rather rough, and so I think our sex life had dwindled a little bit.
0:08:55.3 DB: Okay.
0:08:55.7 Shendi: And then we didn't have smartphones or... We had a laptop. We didn't have the smartphones or anything. I think I was going across the laptop one day, trying to remember some website I was looking at, and I'd come across it then. And then I just kind of, I felt really sick to my stomach, and I wasn't sure how to approach it, and then as I looked more, I saw a little bit more and I decided, "All right, I knew this, but I need to approach him about this because he needs to know how I feel about what he's doing."
0:09:29.5 DB: Wow.
0:09:30.0 Shendi: And I think that's the first time I'd realized for me that, "Okay, just because they have an addiction, or just because they have, I guess a problem, it was in our marriage, I don't need to stay silent, I need to at least talk to him 'cause he needs to know how I feel."
0:09:44.8 DB: So what were you feeling? You said disgust or sick, what were you thinking?
0:09:51.4 Shendi: No, I didn't feel disgust towards him. At first, I think I felt really sick to my stomach. I felt kind of like that he was looking at these things instead of coming to me and being honest and saying, "Hey, I need some intimacy." Or, "I'm feeling a little neglected." Or whatever his feelings were at the time.
0:10:17.4 Shendi: I kind of felt, I guess emotionally cheated on mostly, like he was just kinda going somewhere else for something that I could easily or readily give him, but he would choose rather to go somewhere else, and so I felt in a way betrayed as well.
0:10:32.0 DB: Right, right. So how long did it take you to approach him on that? Was it immediate? Or did you wait some time, you pray over it? What was your process in bringing this up with Brett?
0:10:44.1 Shendi: I don't think I prayed about it at all. I think it was more... I think the first time I kind of approached him and I was just like, "Hey," I think about after a week, I was like, "I saw this. What's your deal?" I don't think the first time... I think the first time in our marriage I really was not as patient as he makes me out to be. I think I kind of approached it...
0:11:05.3 DB: Understandable.
0:11:06.2 Shendi: In a hot-headed manner, and I said, "You know, this is not okay, and we need to fix this." He apologized and we had a few words, and then after that, we didn't really discuss it again until I found it again, and then I was like, "Look, we really gonna fix this."
0:11:26.5 Shendi: I think it was within another month that I found more and I just said, "We need to figure this out, 'cause I feel like you're not trusting me with your problem, or you're not wanting to talk to me about when you need certain things or when you want certain things." I think within that first, what? Two months, we really had a lot of discussions about it.
0:11:49.3 Brett: Yeah.
0:11:50.0 DB: Well, that's... I'm loving what I'm hearing, because it sounds like... And I realize we're removed, what? 11 years from that incident. But the way you're even describing it, it seems like you did in fact have patience around it, It doesn't sound like you were attacking him or yelling at him. Or were you? Was there any kind of anger expressed in that fashion?
0:12:14.4 Shendi: I think I cried a lot.
0:12:16.2 DB: Okay.
0:12:16.4 Shendi: I don't think... Did I ever yell at you?
0:12:18.5 Brett: I don't think there was ever really any yelling. It never felt like she was mad.
0:12:24.8 Shendi: More hurt.
0:12:25.8 Brett: She was more hurt, betrayed, things like that, than she was anything else.
0:12:31.6 DB: So from... Brett, from your perspective, did you feel like she was inviting with the conversation? Or did you... 'Cause sometimes spouses will say, "Talk to me, I'm here to talk," but there's still this emotional experience like, "You better not say anything bad about this or that you're doing it again." And so on one hand it's, "Talk to me about it, but there better not be anything new," kind of experience. What was your end of that experience?
0:13:02.6 Brett: No, I never felt... I don't know, I guess... Everything for me, it was always really positive. Like I said, she never really came at me attacking, she never got mad. I could just tell how I hurt she was. And I guess there were probably points where I didn't feel like she really understood what I was going through.
0:13:25.0 Brett: We have had our issues when it comes to intimacy, where I think we've been on different pages in different wavelengths, but at the same time, I never felt I was being attacked either for the issues I was having.
0:13:36.9 DB: That's excellent. Brett, at this point, when you were caught or she found out, how would you compare that usage to prior to your marriage? Would you say it was more than what you were experiencing before the marriage, less or about the same?
0:13:55.6 Brett: I think for a while there, it got worse, prior to the point where it was two or three times a week. But still never where it consumed me, but it did get worse for a period of time.
0:14:08.1 DB: Your wife pointed out that there's intimacy issues. Is that what you would also point that towards? Or what do you think was driving that behavior?
0:14:17.6 Brett: I think the lack of intimacy.
0:14:20.5 DB: So how did you guys start to navigate? Now it's all out on the table, we know this. Shendi is saying, "Hey, talk to me, I keep finding this stuff." How did it proceed from there, where did you guys go with it?
0:14:36.8 Shendi: I think we decided that we were gonna set up boundaries for him, to help him, first off. I think we decided to... He couldn't... I don't know, this might sound rude towards him, but he couldn't look at the laptop after, or get on the computer after certain time of a day. We were able to block certain sites or we put a password and him would...
0:15:03.9 Shendi: So it might sound like I was parenting him, but we both discussed, this is probably the best way for him, was for me to be more in control over the things that he was able to or do not get onto with our computer. And then after we both felt like it calmed down a little bit, we decided we were just gonna discuss more...
0:15:22.2 Brett: We just have more conversations.
0:15:25.0 Shendi: More conversation about it, "Hey, I'm struggling really bad today," and I was like, "Okay, how can we help you?" Or, "Okay, let's remove the laptop for the day," or things like that. You think, yeah?
0:15:39.8 Brett: Yeah.
0:15:40.2 DB: Was that helpful to you, Brett?
0:15:43.3 Brett: I think so. I'd be lying if I didn't say there were times where it felt like I was being controlled or being parented, but at the same time, it was the best thing for me at the time to help us go through a difficult time.
0:16:00.5 DB: I'm glad you...
0:16:01.1 Shendi: And it wasn't...
0:16:02.1 DB: Go ahead.
0:16:03.7 Shendi: Alright, and it wasn't like I... I don't think, in my mind, it wasn't like I was saying, "Well, you can't get on this, this and this time." We would sit down and we would say, "Okay, what's a good time for you not to be on the laptop?" For him to express it. 'Cause like he said, I didn't want to feel like I was controlling him or parenting him. I was his wife, his spouse, I wasn't his mother or babysitter, I guess.
0:16:33.2 DB: I'm glad that you both are pointing this out, that's one of the biggest concerns I have when I work with couples in navigating porn issues, is one becomes the manager in the relationship, and it sounds like you guys took measures to prevent that while also holding some sort of accountability with each other. Is that fair to say?
0:16:54.4 Brett: Yeah.
0:16:54.6 Shendi: Yeah.
0:16:56.1 DB: So how long did this go on, this managing, did it work? And if it did work, how long? And if it didn't, what did you guys end up doing?
0:17:05.1 Shendi: I think it was up until after we had our second son, or our first son, our second child.
0:17:10.4 Brett: Yeah, our second child.
0:17:12.0 Shendi: So probably it was two, two and a half years.
0:17:14.9 Brett: Yeah.
0:17:15.5 DB: Two and a half. So tell me, what that maybe average daily experience was, were you taking the computer away from Brett, or? How did that work logistically?
0:17:26.9 Shendi: He would usually bring it to me. Or I would just take it and I would just put it away. Or we even had a password on it that he didn't know. I think when we did get smart phones, he did ask me and brought me his phone and said, "Please put a password on it." And so I think we just kinda both, I don't think one of us really... After a while, I don't think one of us really took control. I think he realized that I hurt my feelings, and so we both worked on it together. Would you agree, yeah?
0:18:00.6 Brett: Yeah.
0:18:01.5 DB: And so after two and a half years of doing this, what happened then? Did things change, improve, or?
0:18:11.4 Brett: I think that it changed just 'cause I was learning how to... I guess my frequency was diminishing and I was learning how to deal with it better. I was getting to the point where I didn't need as much, I guess babysitting is the best way to put it.
[chuckle]
0:18:30.8 DB: Sure, sure.
0:18:31.5 Shendi: Well, I think our communication even got more better in those two years, because it was something that we were talking about more, and he was open and willing to let me express myself when I did catch other things or... He was willing to just sit there and he was willing to listen, and I was willing to listen to him, and I think we worked more on our communication. Then over time, I think we worked on our intimacy too afterwards, after we communicated more, if that makes sense?
0:19:06.0 DB: Yeah, absolutely, it does. Would you be willing to recall or share how one of those interchanges worked with you? You're bringing it up, how did those discussions work? I'm really liking what I'm hearing in that you listen to each other. That's a very difficult thing for people to do. Especially if you're finding pornography or another incident. How did you learn how to handle that, I guess maturely and as adults?
0:19:36.7 Shendi: I don't know... I don't know if there was ever anything that we learned to do. It's just kind of been, that's always been our relationship. I've always been comfortable talking to Shendi, and she's always been a very understanding person. I mean, I don't know, I guess is not much to say in how we learned, the communication has always just been there, for me.
0:20:06.0 Shendi: I think... I think for me the communication has always been there, but I think for me, it was kind of a lack of... What's the right word? Understanding, or lack of empathy. I don't know. I would find myself sometimes...
0:20:24.4 DB: A lack of empathy from you or from him?
0:20:27.4 Shendi: For him, for his struggles. I think I was not very sensitive towards any of his struggles. Even his daily struggles with work or school, and I found that I was more less empathetic, I guess that's the right way of putting it. And so when I would find those problems, I knew that I should talk about it with him, I knew that I should share my feelings, but I think I was growing increasingly more frustrated, just 'cause I didn't see results. So basically I wanted them.
0:21:02.3 Shendi: And so what I would do is I would... I would... Every time I would say my prayers or my personal prayers, I would just, "Help me to love my husband." And it wasn't that I didn't love him, it was that I needed to learn how to love him in the way that I guess God brought him, not just as my husband, but as my friend and a son of God. And so I would honestly, I would say a prayer, "Help me to love my husband." Then it was in, "Love him in a different way."
0:21:35.2 DB: Tell me more about that different way? What was the different way that you were discovering?
0:21:41.2 Shendi: Well, it was, I loved him and I appreciated him, but I don't think I quite wholeheartedly... I don't know, it's hard to explain. I knew who he was, and I knew that he was my best friend and that I loved him and I wanted the best for him, but I think I would just kind of get irritated.
0:22:07.0 Shendi: I was like, "Okay, well, you're struggling, let's move on. Let's move on." 'Cause it's kinda how I was, I was raised to, "You're struggling, alright you've said it, now move on." And I was like, well, you know, I don't think God ever looked at us and it's like, "Really? Okay, another prayer about your struggle, let's move on." And I'm like, that's not very...
0:22:29.3 Shendi: In the long term, I didn't feel like that was the most sympathetic answer. All of us wanna be heard and all of us wanna be understood, even if it's the same exact thing over and over again. So I felt like I needed to love him in a eternal perspective. Is that the right way how to say it? I don't know.
0:22:48.2 DB: I think you're getting me a little emotional here. The way you're describing this is, Shendi, is the message that I hope a lot of people hear. This is key. It is hard to describe that empathy. It's one thing to say, "I'm your friend, I'm here to talk about it," it's a completely different thing to be able to say, "I want to understand."
0:23:12.0 DB: And the analogy you gave was Heavenly Father doesn't say, "Okay, get on with... Move on." Right" He takes time to understand. I don't know if that necessarily means you need to go into all the nitty gritty and the details of what you're viewing, but... Brett, did you experience that from Shendi on your end? Did you feel like, "Oh my goodness, I'm able to talk about this even more." I know you have an open communication with her, but did you feel that empathy start to be increased in the relationship?
0:23:46.2 Brett: I did, and it's something that we've talked about. I think she's still working on it, even still today. Because there was a point in our relationship where it was like... And not just with my issue with pornography, but like she said, every day where I'd come home and I'd be really upset from work, and she just kind of be like, "Okay, well, you're home now, move on, deal with it."
0:24:08.6 Shendi: Not that I would say that to your face.
[chuckle]
0:24:11.9 Brett: That was kinda the vibe that I would get.
0:24:15.9 DB: Yeah, yeah.
0:24:19.7 Brett: And through our discussions, I've definitely seen a change recently. And over the years, really, not just recently, but there has been a change and I have seen her try to be more understanding and know where I'm coming from, and just wanting to see me be better, in every sense of the word.
0:24:44.6 DB: Was there a point in your relationship, and it sounds like maybe not, but I don't wanna assume it, that Shendi, maybe you said, "Okay, again, this is happening and I can't have this anymore. I'm done."? Was that an experience that you had or considered?
0:25:05.5 Shendi: I think there was a point about, was it four years ago? Where he had lost his job. And so he became quite set back in his old ways, I guess, where he was just struggling, and it was the same conversation or the same maybe argument that we had. And then I would find the porn again, and that would just add on to it.
0:25:31.5 Shendi: And I think we'd hit quite a low point, and I just said, "If this doesn't, you know, if this doesn't get fixed or if we can't discuss this like we used to, then I'm gonna have to be done." And I think it wasn't just necessarily the porn, but I think it was everything else, and then that one just kinda added to it.
0:25:51.4 DB: Yeah. It sounds like it was a really stressful time in your life, and you both were kind of burnt out.
0:26:00.8 Shendi: Yeah.
0:26:00.9 DB: How long ago was that? How many years ago?
0:26:04.5 Brett: That was back in 2013.
0:26:09.0 DB: Okay. About five... What is that now? [chuckle] We're in 2019.
0:26:12.2 Brett: Six years ago.
0:26:13.2 DB: Yeah. Wow.
0:26:15.6 Brett: We had moved to Nevada.
0:26:16.8 Shendi: We just have had a new baby.
0:26:18.6 Brett: Just have had a new baby.
0:26:20.1 DB: Oh my goodness.
0:26:20.4 Brett: You know, I'd been in a job for three months and lost it.
0:26:25.9 DB: This is what we often interview for intake. When we have new clients come in, we check for all these major life events. This is usually why people are coming in, is you had like the big three or four; a move, life-changing event, a baby, loss of job. This was huge, a lot of stress, which...
0:26:48.2 Shendi: Yeah.
0:26:48.2 Brett: Yeah, all at the same time. [chuckle]
0:26:51.5 DB: No wonder. What was nice here though is, I like... Shendi, what you said was, "We need to be able to talk about this like we did before." A lot of couples don't have that experience to fall back on, and so when you hit this major point in your life, in your marriage, if you didn't have those positive experiences, do you... We all hope to think that we would be just as encouraging, but do you feel like if you didn't have those positive experiences to fall back on, you would have been as willing?
0:27:22.5 Shendi: I'm not sure. I mean, we were able to talk once before. And I had always knew that I needed somebody who I really knew before I could marry just because of my personality and things that had happened in my past, I really needed a good friend. And I needed him to be a friend first, before I married him.
0:27:47.8 Shendi: I think if we hadn't have been, I don't think we would have maybe had a strong of a relationship. I think I would have maybe cut off our relationship and not talk to him like I do now.
0:28:02.0 DB: You mean during the dating phase, is that what you mean?
0:28:06.4 Shendi: Yeah. Yeah.
0:28:07.2 DB: Oh, yeah.
0:28:08.5 Shendi: I think because we are friends for a really long time and we learn how to communicate, and then we learn how to communicate even more in our marriage, that helped us later on when we had that big problem. Because I feel like if you don't know how to communicate to yourself and you don't know how to express your feelings, but then your spouse doesn't reciprocate listening or expressing their feelings as well, I think it just leads to shutting off and feeling like maybe the other person doesn't understand or doesn't want to understand.
0:28:45.9 Shendi: And so I think where I already knew that he wanted to understand my feelings and cared about my feelings, that I think it was easier for us to fall back on to what we used to do, where we used to talk a lot.
0:28:58.1 DB: Yeah, that's wonderful. My goodness. You mentioned also that having these discussions helped improve your intimacy. Is that... Did I hear you guys correctly?
0:29:09.4 Shendi: Yeah.
0:29:10.2 DB: How did that help? Being able to... I mean, I don't wanna make the assumption again, just being able to talk openly helps that experience. But here you are dealing with pornography, and what a lot of couples experience is because pornography is mixed into it, it actually makes the intimacy more difficult. How did these discussions allow for it to improve?
0:29:31.9 Brett: I guess having the understanding that I wasn't necessarily choosing the pornography over her. I knew I was able to talk really things with her and really talk about where it was all coming from, and trying to get to a point where she knew that it wasn't me necessarily choosing it over her. I think that's where it improved our intimacy, our ability to talk and things like that.
0:30:04.7 DB: What about you, Shendi? What was it like for you? How did that help improve your side of the intimacy?
0:30:15.5 Shendi: I think that... 'Cause I always kinda had the issues of low self-esteem, like I said before, things that happened to me as a child, and so I think I had a lot of intimacy issues and a hard time for me to realize that maybe he actually did love me or want me. And so when he would communicate to me, "I want you. I need you," or send little text back and forth, I think it helped me realize, "Okay, yeah, he does want me."
0:30:49.8 Shendi: And he was able to communicate that with me more, like he would talk to me more about it, instead of just coming up and hugging on me and kissing me and then he's like, "Okay, let's do this." It was more of a, "Okay. He wants me for more than just having sex," or things like that. So for him to communicate with me to be like, "I do love you, and I do want you," more than just to satisfy the need of wanting to look at pornography, I guess. It was he actually did want me, and it wasn't, pornography wasn't a substitute.
0:31:24.3 DB: You felt that from him?
0:31:27.0 Shendi: Yeah. I felt like, for a long I felt like pornography was a substitute for me. And so in my mind it was he was cheating on me, in my mind, because he was substituting the pornography for me, and then when he would communicate, "I want you and I need you," or "Hey, look, I'm struggling with... I'm really tempted to look at pornography."
0:31:49.2 Shendi: And he would tell me that and it'd be like, "Oh okay, he's not... It's not that he... That we're not having sex right now, it's that he, he's actually struggling with something and he's willing to talk to me about that struggle. And it's not that he's trying to replace me." 'Cause if he was replacing me, I feel like that he would not want to discuss it with me.
0:32:08.4 DB: Yes, yes, yes.
0:32:09.8 Shendi: If it makes sense?
0:32:10.7 DB: Right. Wow, that's a huge paradigm shift to be able to start... To believe his words, "He's flirting with me, he's really wanting me, he's craving me," and believing his words and embracing that. That's a beautiful step forward. Now, these experiences, how have they helped shape your teaching your kids? They're about to enter into their teenage years, got a couple of years on the oldest one there. How has that shaped your conversations with the children?
0:32:43.8 Brett: I think they've allowed us to be a lot more open with our children. I feel, especially in LDS culture, I feel like sex has become very taboo. It's not something that you should ever discuss.
0:33:00.9 Shendi: And talk to your parents. [chuckle]
0:33:02.9 Brett: And so I think these experiences between me and Shendi have really allowed us to be open with our children.
0:33:08.6 DB: And not so shameful towards them.
0:33:11.8 Brett: Yeah. I feel like they can come and tell us, "Hey, I saw a naked person," and they wouldn't feel like we would come down on 'em, shame 'em, things like that. And so I feel like there's just a lot of openness.
0:33:29.4 DB: So how do you handle that with a 10-year-old? What does that open conversation look like? What kind of words do you use or how do you gauge your language with your children on those topics? "I saw a naked person." What do you say next?
0:33:42.9 Shendi: Well, we had an incident, what was it, two years ago, where a friend of our daughter had shown her something on YouTube. I checked the iPads and stuff after they're done playing with them, just so, keep an eye out, 'cause I know that they're happening at such a young age. And I come across some stuff, and I...
0:34:06.7 Shendi: So I just, I went up to her and I mean, just feel be as honest, I don't wanna skirt around it because it's there, and I need to be as honest with her as I possibly can. And so I said, "Is there something you wanna tell me?" And she said, "No," and I said, "Alright." I said, "Well," I said, "I found this."
0:34:26.9 Shendi: And what 10-year-old is honestly wants to say, "Well, I found stuff." And so I said, "I found some things on the iPad that were inappropriate and you probably should not have seen," and I said, "What happened?" I was trying not to shame her or make her feel guilty, or make her feel like she can't come to me. And she just said, "Well, my friend wanted to look up... " What was it? "How babies were made," or whatever.
0:34:58.5 DB: Oh yeah, yeah.
0:35:00.6 Shendi: And I said, "Well, we already have that discussion." And she goes, "Yeah, but she wanted to show me some other things." I said, "Okay." I said, "Well, when she showed you those things, how did that make you feel?" And she goes, "Well, it kinda made me feel, yuck, or sick in my stomach." And I said, "Okay."
0:35:14.6 Shendi: I said, "Well, why didn't you come talk to me?" And she goes, "Well, I was a little scared. And then after she left, I didn't think about it." And I said, "Okay." I said, "Well, sometimes you just forget things, but that's okay." She said, "So... " So we talked about how she felt, and then we talked about in the future, if something like this happens, what can she do or who she'd talk to, who are her safe people, I guess.
0:35:43.9 Shendi: And we said, "Some of these things might make you feel a certain way," and I said, "and that's okay and it's normal." I said, "The only... " What I told her is, "The only problem is, is when you're looking at it all the time." I said, "Or when you feel like you need to look at it." I said, "Then that's kind of a problem. Because I don't want you to feel like... "
0:36:00.8 DB: Or keep it a secret.
0:36:01.4 Shendi: Yeah, and I said, "I don't want you to feel like that you can't come talk to me, but you wanna feel like you wanna talk to your dad and talk to me." And just because it was our daughter, I didn't wanna exclude my husband, and I want her to feel like she could talk to both of us, not just mum.
0:36:21.1 DB: Oh wow.
0:36:21.7 Shendi: And so we did it with both of us sitting there. We sat her down, the both of us and we said, "We know that how this works, we know how babies are made, and if you feel uncomfortable about of anything, come talk to Mum and Dad. And if you feel uncomfortable talking to dad, you can talk to me or... " I wanted her to know that we are both there, not just one of us, just because she was female like her mum.
0:36:46.0 DB: Yeah, you've identified it as safe, and I like that word. Even when I have kids come in to the office, that's one of the very first discussions that I have with their parents there, is... Parents bringing them in because of exposure to pornography or whatnot. We identify immediately safe people. We don't just have this discussion around sex or naked people with any person. Even though you may view me as a therapist, this is not sacred or shameful... Excuse me, secret, not... It is sacred.
0:37:17.5 DB: It's not secret. We don't hold those secrets from the safe people, and we identify as... I really like that you did that, but also acknowledge that there may be still discomfort around that, "If you're not comfortable talking to Dad about it, still come talk to me." Have you seen her... Has there been episodes since then where she was able to follow through with those discussions?
0:37:39.8 Shendi: No, I don't think she's ever... I don't think so.
0:37:44.1 Brett: Yeah, I agree. We haven't had to address that issue again yet.
0:37:48.8 DB: Oh good. [chuckle] That's good.
0:37:51.2 Shendi: Yes. [chuckle]
0:37:54.5 DB: So in general, how does your conversations around... It sounds like you did talk to her about how babies are made. Is this an ongoing discussion? Do you freely talk about sexuality in the home? How do you continue to set that atmosphere within your home?
0:38:11.1 Brett: I think, just 'cause especially the day and age we're in, we try to have some kind of discussion, especially with our daughter, with her starting to hit the puberty age, I think we try to sit down to every...
0:38:30.1 Shendi: We sit down with the kids, I think general every couple of months, and we do have a discussion on, "If somebody touches you here, if somebody touches you there." What do we call it?
0:38:41.7 Brett: Stop touch.
0:38:42.6 Shendi: Stop touch or don't touch.
0:38:44.4 DB: Oh. Love that.
0:38:48.5 Shendi: What's the other phrase they usually use that we didn't? "Because sometimes stop touch kinda feels good, so it's not a good touch or bad touch, it's stop touch or don't touch." And so we try every couple of months, we try to have a family home evening based on, "Okay, if you see this," or "Can you see that?" And we try not to go into...
0:39:10.7 Brett: Too much detail, but enough for they to understand. Yeah.
0:39:16.7 DB: How do you feel the other kids are picking up? Is this just for the older kids, or you do this even with the seven year old and the one year old? I guess the one year old really isn't picking up too much.
0:39:25.3 Brett: Our seven year old just kinda giggles at it. It's kinda the same with our nine year old. I don't think they're at to the point where they really understand yet.
0:39:33.6 Shendi: Well, our nine year old has some... We're currently in that process of trying to get us tested for autism and ADHD and stuff.
0:39:41.0 DB: Oh wow. Yeah.
0:39:41.9 Shendi: So when we had our baby a year ago, we were waiting for the question for the boys to ask. And they never really did until maybe about six months ago, our seven year old was just like, "Well, how are babies made?" I said, "Alright." I said, "Well... " We just basically gave him the basic talk. I didn't say, "Well, Mummy and Daddy love each other and when they get together... " And it's like, "Well, you have the penis and the vagina, and you have to... "
0:40:11.3 Shendi: Tried to explain it to him as best we can, "You gotta put them together. And God gave in certain ways, and that's how they make a baby." And he was just like, "Oh, okay," and he didn't mention it again. But then when I tried to explain to my nine year old, he just...
0:40:26.3 Brett: He busted up laughing.
0:40:27.7 Shendi: Yeah, he stopped for a second and he just busted up. He goes, "That's silly," and then he was just done.
0:40:35.3 DB: Interesting. That's a typical reaction from a kid whether there's autism or not. So it's impressive that you're still engaging with that conversation and setting that tone for the family. What would you, from your experiences, would you advise other parents?
0:41:00.5 DB: Anything that you have learned that, "Oh, my goodness, this is not the best way to handle it."? Or how you would do it differently? What do you feel would be the most important thing to take away from what you're sharing today?
0:41:11.4 Brett: I think for me, the most important thing...
0:41:14.3 Shendi: Don't attack your children.
0:41:15.8 Brett: Yeah. Whether it's between spouses or dealing with children, is to be open, to be understanding, and never make someone feel shamed. And that's been the biggest thing with Shendi I've learned, is that she's never shamed me for my addiction. She's never shamed me for looking. She's always wanted to, I think understand why I look, why I felt the need.
0:41:48.8 Brett: And I think we were able to pass it down to our kids. Our 10 year old going on 11 year old were to come to us tonight and say, "Okay, this is what I did." I think we'd be able to sit down and have an open conversation where she didn't feel judged by us. She didn't feel shamed by us. She didn't feel like she was the worst person on earth, but she knew that she was loved and still cared for no matter what. I think that's the best we can give your kids is not attacking them for looking at pornography or anything else.
0:42:25.1 DB: I'm curious, Brett, do you think there would be a point in your children's life that if your 10 year old, or I guess any one of your kids, was struggling with this, would you share with them your personal experiences with this?
0:42:41.2 Brett: Absolutely.
0:42:43.3 DB: I really value that. I think that's something that...
0:42:47.5 Brett: I think...
0:42:48.0 DB: Go ahead.
0:42:49.5 Brett: I guess if there's anything good that can come out of my pornography addiction would be to share my own experiences and why, and take from my personal experiences to help my kids, or any of my kids.
0:43:06.2 DB: I love that. I think that's important for us to do. I think we're so hesitant to even share our own personal experiences around this. I don't know if it's a fear of triggering our kids or somehow letting them know that, "Hey, it's okay because I had the problem." But the reality is, I think our youth need to see more great people like yourself that, "Hey, this is a reality," and we can still be great Latter-day Saints if we handle it in this way, and are supportive with our spouse in this way.
0:43:37.3 DB: And so I really praise you both for handling it in the way that you have. And I think the key for me here was hearing the friendship that occurred prior to marriage. I realize not a lot of relationships or some relationships don't have that blessing of having such a good relationship before.
0:43:56.8 DB: Which is kind of ironic, that's what we want to do. We want to marry our best friends. To be able to... It seems like a no-brainer. But I think it actually isn't as common as is... I hope this isn't me just being nay-saying, but I don't see that a lot. A true friendship, to be able to say, "I know who you are. I know, your heart."
0:44:19.2 DB: And Shendi, you even said, even with that though, you established some boundaries, and that's completely healthy and appropriate in a relationship, even a good friendship like that, like you have. And then it continues to develop.
0:44:31.1 Shendi: I definitely got lucky.
0:44:31.5 DB: What's that?
0:44:32.0 Shendi: I said I definitely got lucky. [chuckle]
0:44:35.1 DB: Wow, that's beautiful. I think this is a good lesson to hear for me, and I hope the listeners are getting what they needed out of this. Any final thoughts?
0:44:46.8 Shendi: I don't think so.
0:44:47.6 Brett: No, we're good.
0:44:49.7 DB: I think we covered a majority of your married life here.
[chuckle]
0:44:55.5 Shendi: Yeah. Well, I think it's the same thing, it's not just a male problem, it can be a female problem too. And I think sometimes the first impulse is to lash out, and even if you do lash out, just be quick to say, "I'm sorry." Sometimes in a moment of anger, you say something that you shouldn't or you acted the way you shouldn't. And try to be open and honest with each other.
0:45:21.0 Shendi: Even if it takes a few days to finally communicate your whole feelings, or a couple of weeks even. I think it's just, that was our biggest thing, and I think that's the big thing that helped us the most, is communicating. And even if we struggle with communication, we were at least trying to communicate.
0:45:41.3 Brett: Yeah. That's the biggest thing for me is talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. Even if at some point it feels really uncomfortable, just keep talking, because that's, ultimately learning that communication is what's gonna keep moving forward.
0:46:00.3 DB: I appreciate that insight from both of you. I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me here today, and wish you continued success in your navigating this with you, and each of you and your family. Thank you.
0:46:14.6 Shendi: Thank you.
0:46:14.9 Brett: Thank you.
