Pornography

He Restoreth My Soul Chapter Two

A review and response to the book "He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Addiction Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ" by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD (Neurosurgeon).

This response addresses chapter two, "What Is Addiction?" pgs. 7–12.

Ambiguous, Opinion and Tangential

It would be reasonable to expect that a medical doctor specializing in neurosurgery, in a chapter called, "what is addiction?" would include a well-informed, formulated, medically-sound definition and explanation of addiction. But the reader is void of any such clarity. Instead, Hilton interjects ambiguity, opinion and tangential reasoning, which has little to no relevance to addiction or porn as an addictive behavior. The inadequacy of this chapter is embarrassing, let alone completely baffling for a medical doctor to have authored.

Defining Pornography

Hilton presumptuously and arbitrarily defines pornography as, "anything that induces an inappropriate sexual interest for that person."

This statement is potentially one of the most blatant evidences of Hilton's ignorance and inexperience on the topics of addiction and pornography. Nonetheless, his lack of experience aside, as a trained medical professional, I am confused as to how he can assert this as a "functional definition." It lacks complete functionality. As mentioned in chapter one's response, he leverages familiar terminology within the LDS culture but fails to deliver substance. This is far from a functional definition.

First, "anything that induces an inappropriate sexual interest" is completely subjective, cultural, individual and familial. Who defines "inappropriate"? The bishop? A therapist? Parents? Society?

For example, a 19-year-old woman meets with me regarding her confusion regarding "inappropriate" sexual thoughts and behavior. For the last three years she had been concerned with particular thoughts and behavior, which she at first thought were normal and "appropriate." However, after talking with her bishop a few years ago, he expressed a heighten concern and took "preventive" measures to prevent the behavior from escalating.

Although the young woman wasn't spiritually concerned and was only talking with her bishop because she felt it was the right thing to do, the bishop’s response made her feel she was committing a serious sin. Now, three years later she is experiencing anxiety and spiritual confusion. What complicates this situation more is how her new bishop at college has responded to the behavior. The young woman said the bishop "was not concerned in the least" with her thoughts and behavior. In fact, he emphasized that it was normal and not something to be concerned about.

In another example, one young man sought treatment for his "pornography addiction" and "inappropriate sexual interest." This young man at 14 experienced a life transition when his parent remarried and the step parent moved in with a 16-year-old daughter. In his words, she was beautiful and he was experiencing "inappropriate sexual interest." At an age when his erections are unpredictable and frequent, it was difficult for him to keep his mind "pure." He had no desire to be inappropriate, and he didn't act out any feelings; in fact, he ended up locking himself in his room most of the time to avoid any potential "thoughts." Based off Hilton's definition, this young man is experiencing porn.

Many adolescence and adults believe they are experiencing pornography based on the subjective definitions of other people. One couple had an agreement to not go to either the beach or the gym. The wife expressed concern that her husband seeing other women in bikinis would trigger inappropriate thoughts. The husband had the same concern for his wife going to the gym and seeing men lifting without a shirt.

Second, Hilton fails to understand the contradictory nature of his opening paragraph when he further states, "Each person knows in his own heart what is a temptation for him, and that is the true test." What?! That is your functioning definition of pornography?! He just made a highly subjective statement of "anything that induces an inappropriate sexual interest" then leaves it up to the individual to determine what is inappropriate. Hilton's profound lack of understanding human nature, cultural influences and family dynamics on an individual is glaring. As you will discover, this lack of understanding feeds into every aspect of his book.

Third, it’s no surprise Hilton’s "functioning definition of pornography" is incoherent and unscientific because there is NO functioning definition of pornography.

If you ask a thousand people to define pornography, you'll get a thousand different answers. It is the only treated "illness" that has no specific definition of the problem or recovery. Mark Kim Malan, Ph.D. addressed this significant problem in A New Taxonomy: Scientific Misuse of the Term "Pornography", the following are extracts from his paper.

"Since the term ‘pornography’ has no agreed upon scientific definition, and since it has evolved into a term associated with pejorative bias, what terminology can scientists use to replace the term ‘pornography with a more accurate unbiased variable?

Efforts to answer this question led to examining not only the many various definitions of the term ‘pornography’, but also when it is used as various parts of speech. Such usage effectively expands and multiplies its definitions. Usually the term is used as a noun to define an object, for example when a photograph is called pornography. But also, it is sometimes used with an adjective to describe an object, usually in a pejorative way. An example would be the term ‘political pornography.’ A third approach is using the term to express individual subjective interpretation of an object. In this case pornography is modified into an adjective to describe another noun. The statement, ‘The Edsel, was simply a “pornographic automobile design”,’ would qualify as such an expression."

Dr. Mark Kim Malan continues to explain in his paper,

"Historically the term ‘pornography’ has an unreliable history of usefulness as a scientific term. Instead, it is a social construct of the human mind. Its social use is vague, inaccurate and is often co-opted for use as rhetoric by those who use it to further their social or political agendas. Over time the term has taken on negative connotations, and is now, also used as a pejorative term, in expressions of disapproval. The term ‘pornography’ is like using the term ‘lemon’ to describe an automobile. It describes a negative quality of an object in the minds of many people.

Sexual scientists look ridiculous, at best, and unethical at worst, when we refer to therapeutic depictions of healthy sexual behavior as ‘healthy pornography’. To the public, who colloquially views the term as a pejorative expression, the term ‘healthy pornography’ becomes an oxymoron. To the public, it is a contradiction in terms. It is like hearing the term ‘healthy poison’.

The term ‘pornography’ has socially evolved over time into a negative term. It has become ‘sexy stuff’ with bad press. Now is the time for scientists to break a bad habit of using this socially biased, non-scientific term. As scientists we create problems for ourselves when we adopt unscientific terminology that has culturally evolved, and is loaded with cultural or moralistic bias. We handicap the social effectiveness of our research when we use such terms.

The term ‘pornography’ is not going to go away. The public, politicians, moralists and the press will continue to use it to promote their agendas. Replacing the term ‘pornography’ with ‘sexually explicit material’ is a step in the right direction, but still the problem remains of who decides what is ‘sexually explicit’. This term, like ‘pornography’ is a subjective interpretation of an object, or group of objects.

As a solution, I am proposing this taxonomy of objects and subjective human response, for use in naming, and specifically defining objects as scientific variables. Instead of using the term ‘pornography’, I suggest naming objects and the human subjective responses to them in a more specific and standardized way, using this taxonomy as a guide.

When others use the term ‘pornography’ in dialog with us, we can simply respond by stating facts: ‘The term “pornography” is not scientific. There is no agreed upon scientific definition. It is more scientifically accurate to talk about specific objects and how individuals subjectively respond to them’. It is our responsibility to teach the public to be accurate and think in scientific terms."

Defining Addiction – Wait what just Happened?

The reader is left to fill in a void as wide as the Atlantic as Hilton transition from a "functional definition" of pornography to a "structural definition" of addiction. Is he suggesting any and all pornography is a form of addiction? What is he saying? This is HUGE! Am I an addict?!

Nonetheless, Hilton fails again at any reasonable or coherent attempt to define "addiction." Instead, he quotes a "structural definition" of addiction, from what appears to be a random article in a journal published in 1979! "Addiction represents a pathological, yet powerful, form of learning and memory."  (Memory deficits associated with senescence: a neurophysiological and behavioral study in the rat)

First, this is in no way a structural definition of addiction. At best, it’s an outdated hypothesis describing the potential effects of hard drug use.

Second, literally no clinician refers to, defines or explains "addiction" in this way. Furthermore, this is completely tangential. Hilton is making a false assumption and unsupported conclusion that hard drug use is the same as porn use.

Third, Hilton confuses and uses "process (behavior) addictions," compulsion, chemical addiction and sin interchangeably.

"Applying this definition (structural) to pornography, addiction is simply a repetitive behavior which damages the person and others in his life and which the person is unable to stop." (pg. 6)

Aside from this being a poor and problematic definition of addiction, this more closely describes a process/behavior addiction. Or rather, an unhealthy habit. His statement, "addiction is simply a repetitive behavior which damages … " suggests habit and is also confusing in the context of the chapter and book. Is the action "simply a repetitive behavior" that causes damage? Or is it,

"The impaired thinking alters the belief system, and the acting out becomes the drug that reinforces the impaired beliefs … . [the] Brain chemicals and the adversary synergistically act in an unholy alliance of soul-searing destruction." (pg. 11)

This definition, also problematic and not how medical or professionals refer to chemical addiction, is more closely aligned with substance abuse.

Also, take note of the unnecessary use of the adversary in this definition. This is a foreshadowing of the frequent misuses of the gospel to elicit fear. Hilton solidifies his ignorance regarding human behavior and the gospel with each similar statement. What value does he think he is providing by emphasizing "the adversary synergistically act in an unholy alliance of soul-searing destruction"?

Sin and the adversary's power is a function of our agency, not a biological impairment. This narrative of Satan and brain chemicals isn't unique to Hilton. It’s a popular pop-psychology idea adopted by inexperienced therapists and treatment organizations. For the purpose of drawing in the "religious" element of addiction, this topic is so convoluted and pervasive that I will need to address it throughout the various chapters. In short, this is a perfect example of men wresting the scriptures, mingling science, religion and the concepts of men. It’s damaging and destructive; ironically this misuse causes much unneeded "soul-searing destruction."

For example, a young man sat in my office with a blank look on his face. This kid was known as a model youth, charismatic, loving of the gospel and serving fully in his callings; however, as he sat and described the horrific despair and soul-crushing fear he possessed, one would have thought he committed the unpardonable sin, or murder. In his words, he was "evil." Why? Because he was "addicted" to pornography. This young man was on the verge of losing all hope. He is not alone; this is not an exception.

Although his porn use was habitual, it wasn't an addiction — far from it. But according to Hilton and his bishop, both untrained to provide this type of counseling, had nonetheless convinced this young man he was in danger of losing his salvation and being controlled/possessed by the adversary. After working with this young man, although his porn use was still being addressed, he returned to the joyful and hopeful teen he once was. By unlearning concepts like Hilton's statement, this teen is now on a path to recovery.

Habits, compulsion, chemical addiction and sin are sometimes overlapped. But they are NOT the same, these behaviors will be addressed why its critical to understand the difference for successful treatment. Hilton's failure and even neglect to define or adequately explain addiction is abysmal. Not a single reference to scientific literature, diagnostics manuals or research. He doesn't provide any clarity or insight in this chapter on "addiction". The reader is left to believe, whether they have had one "inappropriate" sexual thought or many, are addicts like those using hard drugs.

What does the medical field actually say about porn "addiction"? 

Hilton's beliefs are not only wrong scientifically, he is going against the teachings of our leaders. Elder Dallin H. Oaks has said,

"We recognize these different levels, we also recognize that not everyone who uses pornography willfully is addicted to it. In fact, most young men and young women who struggle with pornography are not addicted. That is a very important distinction to make—not just for the parents, spouses, and leaders who desire to help but also for those who struggle with this problem." (Recovering from the Trap of Pornography)

Elder Oaks embraced a more scientific and correct view of (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction). Hilton on the other hand doesn't believe in such varying degrees of use.

As for the scientific definitions, neither of the two official medical classifications and diagnostic manuals, the ICD-11 (International Classification of Disease, used as a coding manual in healthcare) or the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM 5 or the DSM-IV-TR) contain a diagnosis for porn or sexual addiction.

This is a critical fact that Hilton neglects to address in this chapter. Its very possibly why he avoided the topic at all.

The most recent addition to the ICD-11 allows for a classification of "Compulsive sexual behavior disorder." This is a critical distinction from "addiction."

"Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder is characterized by a persistent pattern of failure to control intense, repetitive sexual impulses or urges resulting in repetitive sexual behaviour. Symptoms may include repetitive sexual activities becoming a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities and responsibilities; numerous unsuccessful efforts to significantly reduce repetitive sexual behaviour; and continued repetitive sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences or deriving little or no satisfaction from it. The pattern of failure to control intense, sexual impulses or urges and resulting repetitive sexual behaviour is manifested over an extended period of time (e.g., 6 months or more), and causes marked distress or significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviours is not sufficient to meet this requirement." 6C72 Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder

Take note of the very specific language used in this classification, particularly to the last sentence: "Distress that is entirely related to moral judgments and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges, or behaviours is not sufficient to meet this requirement." Hilton's entire book is basing addiction on "moral judgement and disapproval about sexual impulses, urges or behaviours ... " An article about the ICD-11 explains compulsive sexual behavior disorder:

"Concerns about overpathologizing sexual behaviours are explicitly addressed in the diagnostic guidelines proposed for the disorder. Individuals with high levels of sexual interest and behaviour (e.g., due to a high sex drive) who do not exhibit impaired control over their sexual behaviour and significant distress or impairment in functioning should not be diagnosed with compulsive sexual behaviour disorder. The diagnosis should also not be assigned to describe high levels of sexual interest and behaviour (e.g., masturbation) that are common among adolescents, even when this is associated with distress.

The proposed diagnostic guidelines also emphasize that compulsive sexual behaviour disorder should not be diagnosed based on psychological distress related to moral judgments or disapproval about sexual impulses, urges or behaviours that would otherwise not be considered indicative of psychopathology. Sexual behaviours that are egodystonic can cause psychological distress; however, psychological distress due to sexual behaviour by itself does not warrant a diagnosis of compulsive sexual behaviour disorder.

Careful attention must be paid to the evaluation of individuals who self‐identify as having the disorder (e.g., calling themselves “sex addicts” or “porn addicts”). Upon examination, such individuals may not actually exhibit the clinical characteristics of the disorder, although they might still be treated for other mental health problems (e.g., anxiety, depression). Additionally, individuals often experience feelings such as shame and guilt in relationship to their sexual behaviour2, but these experiences are not reliably indicative of an underlying disorder." (Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in the ICD‐11)

The diagnostics manuals have written the diagnosis in this way for two reasons. First, there is little to NO evidence that porn/sex is an addiction. Second, writers of the ICD particularly have identified a growing trend of self-diagnosis and clinicians misdiagnosing patients. Any medical practitioner understands the great risks in misdiagnosis individuals, but this concept seems completely lost on Hilton.

In chapter six "It is a Drug," Hilton argues that porn/sex are not only an addiction but are exactly like a drug. I'll address those specific studies he quotes and his failure to understand the research. Even when the authors of the research specifically say its not like a drug.

Currently, there is an active scientific discussion about whether compulsive sexual behaviour disorder can constitute the manifestation of a behavioural addiction. For ICD‐11, a relatively conservative position has been recommended, recognizing that we do not yet have definitive information on whether the processes involved in the development and maintenance of the disorder are equivalent to those observed in substance use disorders.. (Compulsive sexual behaviour disorder in the ICD‐11)

(Additional information about CSBD: Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder in ICD-11)

A Special Form of Insanity and Circular Reasoning

Hilton, without defining addiction or a meaningful criteria for pornography has effectively pathologized each reader. Dooming each reader to a terminal mental illness, he then moves directly into a section he calls "A Special Form of Insanity," in which he leads the reader to believe they are experiencing yet another mental disorder as a result of their "addiction" and "sinful" behavior. But when you don't think Hilton could be any more reckless in his misdiagnosis and labeling individuals insane, he categorically judges addiction as the "very definition of selfishness, the ultimate contracture of perspective."

In words that can only be spoken by someone who hasn't worked with addiction, Hilton boils this complicated and complex issue down to a "basic problem in addiction is rooted in perspective. Pride, stemming from a lack of gratitude, allows the person to entertain desires that selfishly disregard the consequences visited upon not only the addicted one, but also upon his loved ones." Furthermore he believes "willpower" is the means to sobriety.

A few years back, a bunch of friends of mine were praising an individual for his financial prowess. They were impressed with his insights into and strategies for "playing the market" and improving wealth. Because of my background in finance, my friends thought I would also be impressed with this individual’s perspectives. Although this individual knew I had a career in finance and a strong knowledge of the market, his confidence preceded him. Not five minutes into his dialog, it was clear he didn't actually know what he was talking about. He used the right lingo but out of order. There were nuances in his communication that would sound impressive to someone without a financial background but complete garbage to someone trained in the field. Sure enough, he was attempting to set up a ponzi scheme of sorts, which would have wrecked my friends’ financial futures.

Hilton confidence precedes him too; he uses all the correct lingo, but confuses basic terminology and is dangerously reductive, which can harm the reader. He plays a dangerous game of circular reasoning, leading the reader to believe that if they are denying, they are addicted; it’s because they are sinning and experiencing a form of insanity. The solution is willpower through the atonement and to give up being selfish. I cannot image the lives this chapter alone has wrecked.

Finally, and again, in a tone of irony that is carried throughout the book, the only "expert" he draws on in this "addiction" chapter is Patrick Carnes who famously self-promoted as, "the acknowledged expert in a field that until recently didn’t exist," who made his living and fame off diagnosing individuals with a non-existent illness. Hilton follows up in the next chapter "The Money Trail."

See also:

He Restoreth My Soul Introduction

See also:

He Restoreth My Soul Chapter One

He Restoreth My Soul: Introduction

A review and response to the book "He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography Addiction Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ" by Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD (Neurosurgeon).

This response addresses the Introduction to "He Restoreth My Soul", pgs. ix–xv.

General Thoughts and Impressions

While reading Hilton's book, the voice of Lemony Snicket would frequently enter my mind,

“Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make — bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake — if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble. Making assumptions simply means believing things are a certain way with little or no evidence that shows you are correct, and you can see at once how this can lead to terrible trouble.”

As a clinician, father and husband with a profound desire to solve the "porn problem," I have spent my career and free time consuming every case study, research article, book, program and literature addressing porn and sex addiction both in the church and academia. Each study Hilton refers to in this book I have dissected and reread numerous times prior to reading his book. Not only am I well versed in the research, I routinely work with clients within the faith who struggle with out-of-control sexual behavior and pornography. Although this is a complicated emotional and spiritual issue and each individual is different, I am familiar what works and what doesn't work. Furthermore, I am aware of paradigms and treatment interventions that appear to work in the short term but have damaging long-term consequences.

Therefore, it is perplexing to me how Hilton, a medical doctor, has published a book full of assumptions and confirmations biases, especially considering such an important topic. I have no desire to question his integrity. In fact, I assume the best in that he has the desire to solve the "porn problem" too. However, his assumptions, conclusions and frequent use (and interpretation) of research are often off the mark, unsupported and sometimes hysteria that I can't help but wonder what he was thinking and how he thought this would be helpful. For someone not trained in medical science, regardless of the field of study, I could easily give a pass for authoring a book like "He restoreth My Soul." But Hilton is a medical doctor and uses his credentials on the book and throughout as a means to authoritatively back his statements.

Using his credentials adds weight to both his statements and a necessary backing to those statements. Using one's credentials, whether intending to act in that role or not, carries with it an important responsibility to accurately represent that profession and professional responsibility. Although each of are not excused from due diligence, the misuse of credentials can have lasting and harmful consequences. For example, when working with clients who dismiss sound therapeutic guidance and interventions, referencing the "science" from the neurosurgeon’s book "He Restoreth My Soul."

Furthermore, although I don't recall Hilton specifically stating that his book is a manual for leaders in the church, he has interwoven the LDS 12-step Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) throughout the book and frequently appeals to scriptural authority making it that "He Restoreth My Soul" has become a go-to book for bishops supporting their ward members. Again, this results in leadership dismissing sound therapeutic counsel for the "science" from a neurosurgeon’s book. Whether he intended it or not, Hilton has interfered with the health of a client.

If he simply published as a concerned member in the faith, providing his opinion, without any reference to his credentials, that might be one thing. But he's asserting authority and making scientifically false statements that ARE wrong and potentially damaging.

Due to the significant number of claims, statements and assumptions and popularity of this book, this review will address each chapter in its respective blog posts. The purpose of this review(s) has at least three goals: 1) provide hope, clarity and healing to those struggling with porn and out-of-control or undesired sexual behavior, 2) correct misinformation that prevents healing, 3) provide readers of "He Restoreth My Soul" a meaningful response to Hiltons assumptions.

Introduction

Within his introduction, Hilton states his purpose for writing "He Restoreth My Soul" as a "response to what I regard as the primary threat to our peace as individuals, families, Church members, and as a society, culture, nation, and world." (pg. ix)

It's important for me to point out and give Hilton credit for stating this as his opinion, "what I regard" and emphasizing in the following sentence that these thoughts are his alone and not of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. However, even with that "disclaimer," he establishes the premise of his book, which draws heavily on literature, research and scripture. His opinion is given as an absolute, not a thesis or hypothesis.

Ironically, Hilton emphasizes later in his introduction, "knowledge is power," though he seems to neglect essential facts. The very premise of his book is based entirely on opinion and not fact or knowledge. His opinion that pornography is the "primary threat to our peace as individuals, families, Church members, and as a society, culture, nation, and world." His belief that it's the primary threat is not only unsupported but oversimplifies the problem and prevents meaningful solutions.

His "regard as the primary threat" functions as the filter and lens through which he interprets every study, literature and personal experience. In science, this is referred to as confirmation bias.

"Confirmation bias, the tendency to process information by looking for, or interpreting, information that is consistent with one’s existing beliefs. This biased approach to decision making is largely unintentional and often results in ignoring inconsistent information. Existing beliefs can include one’s expectations in a given situation and predictions about a particular outcome. People are especially likely to process information to support their own beliefs when the issue is highly important or self-relevant." Britannica

Hilton acknowledges his confirmation bias by stating, "I began writing some thoughts after searching the current medical literature on the chemical aspects of sexual addictions and then focused on pornography addiction." He then further acknowledges his very limited and isolated experience with "addiction" was during a mandatory psychiatry rotation in a substance abuse clinic while a medical student.

Hilton is clearly stating here that 1) his confirmation bias led him to only read "chemical aspects of sexual addictions," and 2) those findings led him to adapt those findings or focus on porn addiction. Further, his limited experience wasn't as a trained therapist in psychiatry, but as a medical student in a substance abuse clinic addressing severe substance abuse. Despite his limited and filtered knowledge and experience with addiction, he concludes that "rat models of Parkinson's disease, which is a defect in one component of the dopaminergic system of the brain, just as addiction is an imbalance in another dopaminergic system."

He jumps to conclusions and absolutes are not only evidence of Hilton’s confirmation bias but are also misleading, incomplete, and wrong. Also notice how he draws on his limited experience studying rats with Parkinson's disease to alert the reader, "which is ONE component of the dopaminergic system."  He compares and oversimplifies Parkinson to ONE component. Then he states absolutely, "just as addiction is an imbalance is an imbalance" of a DIFFERENT dopaminergic system. He not only concludes that dopamine deficiency is cause of addiction, but uses something scary like Parkinson's to heighten the reader's attention. (I'll address the fallacies of the dopamine claims in my review of chapter 2 "What is Addiction?")

The introduction is riddled with misinformation, scientifically and therapeutically erroneous statements. He also perpetuates unhealthy dynamics in relationships by warning for women in the church to be aware of these dangers so they can "be discerning in dating and eventually choosing a marriage partner." I can't tell you how many men have said women have left a dating relationship because the men have said they have looked at porn. Good men have resulted to hiding, lying or justifying their behavior because they are afraid the girl they are dating or their wife will leave them and view them as an addict.

Hilton in the "What Can We Do?" portion of the introduction reinforces these assumptions and absolutes, unhealthy and potentially dangerous suggestions. I will address each of these at length in the following reviews. But a few of the most troubling and uninformed suggestions I will mention here:

"Treat pornography and sexual addiction as a full addiction, and not from a behavioral/spiritual perspective alone." 

This suggestion is an example of Hilton’s profound lack (or isolated) experience and knowledge on the topic of addiction and sexual behavior. As I will point out in forthcoming reviews, his definition of addiction is nonsensical first of all. But treating pornography as a "full addiction" could be compared to requiring brain surgery every time someone has a headache.

"Disclosure of each incident of viewing or sexually acting out is essential to obtain both repentance and recovery." 

If one can't share with their spouse what they have viewed or sexual acting out, I assure you, the problem isn't pornography. As for confessing to a bishop of "each incident," this is not only ridiculous, but there is no support for this in church policy or doctrine. It also perpetuates the problem. Clients have routinely reported, "Oh well, I backslid. Since I have to tell the bishop I might as well make the most of this." This comment also sets the bishop up as something he is NOT. He is not a therapist; he is not an intervention specialist. Disclosing each incident is also not repentance; it's not measuring success or failure. Furthermore, how is an "incident" defined? By the bishop, by the individual, by the individual's spouse?

"Recognizing that many married men are secretly addicted, and have support groups ready to help them emerge from addiction." 

Yes. Hilton is absolutely correct. At least with the "secretly." But not because of the lack of resources or support groups. Rather, because they are sick and tired of being told they are addicts. "Of course, that's what an addict would say." Right? Wrong. Most individuals who have a "porn addiction" are aware of it. They don't deny it. But they hide it because of how their support community reacts to them.

As I mentioned, there are many errors in the introduction. I never discourage someone from reading, but I would strongly caution the reader of "He Restoreth My Soul" to be wise and question these bold assumptions. I encourage the reader to question my review also, just as I encourage you to challenge Hilton. Challenge me. Look of the research in its full context and expand your experience and resources.

Chapter 1: "Out of the Mouth of the Lion"

Anonymous Questions

Anonymous Questions

Whenever I am invited to speak or present a workshop, I provide the participants an opportunity to ask anonymous questions. It has been a valuable experience to hear the weighty, raw and real concerns of those who are struggling for answers. After presenting for five years now, the questions appear to have similar themes. Also, it is very clear that these concerns are not unique and many would value from the answers.

I have chosen to leave the questions exactly as written/asked. I believe it's important to read the emotion in the way it was asked. Therefore, I have decided to share those responses and have included below, in what will eventually function as a table of contents, sorted alphabetically by topic.

When a question has been answered, I will link the question to its blog post.

The Slides from the Authentic Living in Christ Presentation YSA / MSA Fireside can be found here: Authentic Slides

__________________________________________

Addiction” — Pornography And Sexual-Related Issues

Q:
Why does the church's ARP program assume that men are addicts and women are "related to addicts"? It is SO difficult to find a women's support group.
A: ARP Fails Women Support Groups

Q: What is your advice to females who have watched pornography or masturbate?
A: This is actually two different questions. 1. LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography 2. Coming soon.

Q: If someone has watched pornography or masturbated in the past, do you feel they are obligated to tell their future spouse? Does it depend on how long ago it was?
A: Transparency In All Things

Q: I used porn years ago to numb problems and feelings and am now in a much better place. I try to be open about this in relationships with girls. Some take it well but most do not. It's difficult to be vulnerable not knowing how they will respond, so I am less likely to pursue relationships. What should I do?
A: 1. Female Struggles with Porn and Masturbation 2. ARP Fails Women Support Groups 3. LDS Women — Overcoming Pornography

Communication

Q: How do I keep communication alive when two partners hold opposing viewpoints on things (with the potential to constantly disagree with each other)?
A: Marital Myth of Communication

Q: What kind of marriage partnerships have you seen that are the the happiest? Give some examples of how they work through times of disagreement or misunderstanding.
A: 1) Happiest Marriages 2) Marital Myth of Communication

Dating / Marring Outside Of Faith

Q: I am a 40+ women and still single. I have a hard time finding quality prospect who wants to be married. How to find joy without ignoring my faith and reality?
A: 1) Marrying Outside of Faith 2) Marital Myth of Communication 3) Happiest Marriages

Q: I met a man who is generous, grateful, patient and compassionate but knew nothing about my faith, which is important for me. Is happiness possible with such a person who does not believe in Christ?
A: 1) Marrying Outside of Faith 2) Marital Myth of Communication 3) Happiest Marriages

Q: Would different faiths work out in a marriage?
A: 1) Marrying Outside of Faith 2) Marital Myth of Communication 3) Happiest Marriages

Divorce / Break up

Q: When do you suggest that a problematic/troubled partnership separate? Or keep them together?
A: Coming soon.

Q: How do you successfully break up with someone that you see no potential with?
A: Coming soon.

Q: When does being separated or divorced with kids and get easier?
A: Coming soon.

Q: I’m separated and divorce is taking a while. Is it bad to start dating or start talking to a guy?
A: Coming soon.

Emotional Abuse

Q: My husband gets jealous about Facebook likes, emojis, and comments I get from other men who are just friends. How do you recommend dealing with such situations?
A: Jealousy and Social Media

Family Systems


Q: How does one work through one's own childhood/parental negative behavior patterns influenced by one's own upbringing which manifest later in dating/marriage relationships?
A: Coming soon.

Homosexuality

Q:
How can queer members of the church live authentically while still trying to be a part of the church?
A: Coming soon.

Marital Sex

Q: What would you do if you had a sick spouse you loved but was unable to perform sex due to illness?
A: Sex and Illness

Mental Health

Q:
How to date someone who has medicated but chronic depression, anxiety, and panic attacks?
A: Coming soon.

Q: Is it better for certain people with mental instability, like psychopathy, sociopath, narcissism, to stay unmarried?
A: Coming soon.

Q: When is the best time to tell your new boyfriend or if you are dating about your diagnosis?
I'm scared to date because I have mental health issues such as depression and bipolar disorder. How can I over come this? Or some tips on what to do.
A: Coming soon.

Q: I am having a tough time maintaining close companionship with the Spirit with all this uncontrollable chaos around me. How can I strive to feel the Spirit when I cannot control some of my circumstances?
A: Coming soon.

Q: How do you stand strong on stigma of mental health?
A: Coming soon.

Q: What if you're not okay with your past? What do you do?
A: Coming soon.

Personality Types in Relationships

Q: How do you make things work between an unlikely pair in which each partner's Myers Briggs letters are completely the opposite? (the second letter, iNtuitive vs Sensing, make it hard to understand each other's view points.)
A: Coming soon.

Q: How to make "the wrong" partnerships "right"?
A: Coming soon.

Single

Q: Is it unrighteous to enjoy being single?
A: 1) Coming soon. 2) Subdivisions in the Celestial Kingdom

Self-Care

Q: Is making my little brother a priority over ward activities because of a fear of social instances okay?
A: Coming soon.

Transparency in All Things

Anonymous Question Series:

Q: If someone has watched pornography or masturbated in the past, do you feel they are obligated to tell their future spouse? Does it depend on how long ago it was?

There are three concepts in this question that need to be answered: 1) transparency in relationships, 2) stigma/shame of sexual sins/behaviors, 3) masturbation, is it really that bad? 

The main focus in this question is transparency and stigma/shame of sexual sins/behaviors. I will address the third concept in a separate post.

A: 

The quick answer: yes, and if you can't/don't, you should not get married.

Transparency In Relationships

"Where there is respect, there is also transparency, which is a key element of happy marriages. There are no secrets about relevant matters in marriages based on mutual respect and transparency. Husbands and wives make all decisions about finances together and both have access to all information." —Elder L. Whitney Clayton, Marriage: Watch and Learn

I understand the above quote is specifically addressing social media in marriage, which I will address more specifically in my forthcoming post on, "Jealousy and Social Media." Once published, I will put a link to it here.

Nonetheless, this quote is absolutely applicable to premarital relationships, especially if you are engaged. How do you ever expect to be transparent or desire your partner to be transparent if you yourself keep secrets?

The Myth

Let's dispel a myth right now. I have searched all over for a source, a reference, or the origin of one of the most ridiculous myths and traditions in our faith. But I cannot find an original source nor anything that supports it. That is, if you have "repented" of something, you don't need to divulge it to your future spouse (or current spouse). I cannot emphasize how naive, controlling, and dangerous this concept is.

There are women who say, "If it is in the past, I don't want to know about it, I don't need to know about it." For some reason, I've only heard women express this idea, but please realize that this is a rejection of your partner. Not wanting to share and not wanting to know is anything but love. Many excuse it as "true love" and "embracing the atonement" when they don't "dig up the past." These individuals believe it is a rejection of the atonement to bring up the past. When women desire to learn about their loved one, the men often respond defensively, "Why do you keep wanting to know about the things I've repented about?"

This is a huge RED FLAG, and if it wasn't so common, I would tell you to turn and run as fast as you can. Unfortunately, it is far too common of a conversation, which means it's a tradition and myth that good people truly believe. It can be worked through and properly understood, but transparency is an absolute must! Without exception!

Clarity And Perspective

It boggles my mind that we still speak as though pornography is some type of sin of "perdition," unrecoverable and mentally damaging — a sin that turns beautiful, intelligent, amazing individuals into social pariahs. The social and self shame around this topic is unjustified. I assure you, nearly 100% of individuals, male and female have viewed pornography and 80–95% of people have masturbated. In today's information age, it is impossible to not view and even engage in pornography.

Additionally, there is a real problem with even the word "pornography." It's a nonsensical, abstract word. Let me give you a real life example. A wife demands her spouse repent to the bishop because he saw breasts in the movie "Titanic." The bishop, whom the husband will potentially confess to, went on a date with his wife to see "Deadpool." One can argue the bishop and his wife are in serious violation themselves. This is the problem; who gets to define pornography?

Recently, I was interacting with a anti-porn advocate who uses her spouse's "short comings" as a platform for her "trauma." Yet, she has a plethora of highly sensual books and movies on her own Facebook "Likes" page. Some could easily be considered "harlequin"-type material. When that was pointed out, she defended it saying there was no "nudity" in those types of entertainment. That statement wasn't entirely true, but it's an example of the double standard and confusion around the concept of pornography.

"Historically the term 'pornography' has an unreliable history of usefulness as a scientific term. Instead, it is a social construct of the human mind. Its social use is vague, inaccurate and is often co-opted for use as rhetoric by those who use it to further their social or political agendas. Over time the term has taken on negative connotations, and is now, also used as a pejorative term in expressions of disapproval. The term "pornography" is like using the term "lemon" to describe an automobile. It describes a negative quality of an object in the minds of many people.

... Now is the time for scientists to break a bad habit of using this socially biased, non-scientific term. As scientists we create problems for ourselves when we adopt unscientific terminology that has culturally evolved, and is loaded with cultural or moralistic bias. We handicap the social effectiveness of our research when we use such terms." —Mark Kim Malan, Ph.D., A New Taxonomy: Scientific Misuse of the Term "Pornography"

As I pointed out in my previous post, problematic sexual behavior is an ambiguous terminology socially defined by white middle class christian males. (See also ARP Fails Women Support Groups)

Fortunately, Elder Oaks has addressed this topic well in an Ensign article October 2015 where he embraced a more scientific and correct view. He said there are four types of pornography use: (1) inadvertent exposure, (2) occasional use, (3) intensive use, and (4) compulsive use (addiction). The Church is making great progress in defining the "problem" and eliminating the shame.

Stigma/Shame Of Sexual Sins/Behaviors

From a "doctrinal" and spiritual perspective. Our culture has traditionally lumped ALL "porn" into the same level of severity and seriousness. In spite of logic and the infinite atonement, we conceptually view — even 5 minutes of pornography — as a sexual "sin next to murder," which is not accurate.

"Corianton’s sin was a composite of several elements, specifically sexual immorality by a priesthood leader that caused him to abandon his ministry and therefore neglect the spiritual needs of his flock, thereby leading them into apostasy. In effect, Corianton metaphorically “murdered” the testimonies of those he was commissioned to bring unto Christ when he was lured away by Isabel (cf. Alma 36:14).

This understanding of Corianton’s particular situation is strengthened by of the fact that in Alma 39:5, Alma speaks of “these things” (plural) being “an abomination in the sight of the Lord.” Apparently, “these things” included not only Corianton committing sexual sin, but purposefully neglecting “the ministry wherewith [he] wast entrusted” (v. 4). Perhaps, then, “the more serious infraction was the resulting spiritual damage inflicted upon others who had witnessed Corianton’s sinful actions.” —Michael R. Ash and B. W. Jorgensen, "Knowhy #147"

Let me be clear, the prevalence of a sin or behavior doesn't make it right (just because everyone is doing it). However, we treat pornography and masturbation with such rejection, that emotionally we loath ourselves and others for engaging in it. In the great words of Elder Uchtdorf, "STOP IT."

Doing it Right

We must stop it; stop being ashamed and own it. The fact that people view it with such seriousness makes this a landmark conversation in the relationship. My suggestion is to go into a relationship with the assumption that the other has engaged in these behaviors. As the relationship matures, it will provide appropriate opportunities to discuss the history and severity of the behaviors.

Every relationship is different and there is no fast and set rule on when to divulge your past. You cannot control your partner’s responses, but you can begin to view yourself in the loving context of the atonement. Their response is a reflection of their spiritual and emotional maturity. In fact, your sharing and their response can be an excellent indicator of their marriage readiness.